Monthly Archives: May 2014

And the answer is…

“All of the above.”  I’d like to thank those of you who participated in the little poll from the previous post.  I was honestly just messing around with it to see if it would even work.  If anyone has other suggestions about a free and easy to use poll thing-y (yes, I’m very technical here), please let me know!  I have some ideas for its use in the future especially if I ever have time to sit down and let the creative juices flow (no, not that other kind).

Anyway, we had some relatives over on Memorial Day, and before everyone left, we decided to play a dart game called Killers (I know, what a great name for a game!).  I guess I should note that of those of us who were playing, I’m the one who has played darts the least amount of time; therefore, my life expectancy in the game wasn’t very high.  We continued to play rounds knocking/striking each other off the board until it was just my fiancé and myself.  We were at the point where he could win with a single dart and I could win with two.  He would throw his three darts and miss, then I would throw my three darts and also miss.  It was honestly starting to get quite boring…that is until he decided to whisper something in my ear as he passed.  “You’ll get 25 per strike.”  (Yikes! We all know what that means.)  Well, I already had one strike on him and still had to get two more to win the game, but he only needed one.  I have to hand it to him – he certainly knew how to make the game more interesting!

During my next turn, I nailed the second strike. LOL, “So, that’s 50,” I thought as I passed him with a smile.  He returned the smile but didn’t make any headway in winning.  A few rounds later, I did it (75)!  He couldn’t beat me (at least not yet 😉 hehe)! I knew he wouldn’t do anything that drastic in front of relatives, so I just smiled sweetly at him.  After we walked everyone out to the driveway and bid our farewells, my Love and I went back in to take showers.

By this time, it was actually getting pretty late and we were both definitely tired, so we relaxed and snuggled a little.  Then, I turned to look at him and asked, “Does that mean I get a raincheck?”

He replied, “Nope!” and hopped out of bed looking for the new wooden paddle.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I rolled over exposing my backside.  He started first with both cheeks and then he would alternate either side or both randomly.  I knew he couldn’t be hitting very hard, but I could definitely feel the burn and the building deeper ache.  It didn’t take long before he decided to stop and move on to other activities.  I was certainly more than ready when he entered me roughly from behind and set a hard, fast pace.  Believe me, I could tell the paddle had been back there, but everything just felt so good!

After the fireworks, I went to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror.  I was a lovely shade of dark red splashed with some minor bruising.  I rubbed a little and could definitely feel the deeper ache that reminds you what just happened was real.  My fiancé looked up from the bed and I gave him a goofy, embarrassed smiled since he caught me looking. Then, I went back to bed where we cuddled until we drifted off to sleep.  It was a good end to a long day.

As a follow-up note – the next day, I learned how not to plop down onto my chair at work. ;-P

New Paddle meet Bare Bottom. Bare Bottom meet New Paddle.

Why, it’s so…er…nice to personally meet you, New Paddle.  Now that we have been properly introduced, I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my bottom for the achy-ness I’ve been feeling today!

🙂 Yep, on Monday night, I received my first real spanking with the new paddle from Cane-iac and now I have all the lovely after effects to prove it.  So, the big question…

Why was I paddled?
It’s a new implement! Have to break it in sometime!
I won a game of darts called Killer!
Do I really need a reason?
All of the above.
  
pollcode.com free polls 

Please tune in next time to find out!

Me = Excited!

Wow, my last post made it onto Chross’s “Spankings of the Week” List!  I’m almost at 2,000 views in less than 2 days which is pretty big for me since I only just started blogging again.  Pretty exciting!  My thanks go out to Chross and to everyone who has taken the time to stop by!  Hope to see you all again!

Want to know what else is exciting?  My fiancé is in the process of making our very first handmade paddle (3/4″ thk. x 3 1/2″ wide x 20″ long)!  He still has to sand it down some more, stain it, and seal it.  I’m pretty sure I’ll want to tone down the sassiness when he’s holding that in his hand!  I’ll post a photo of it when he’s finished.

In the mean time and to add to the weekend’s excitement, I also received two new implements (one wooden and one leather) from Cane-iac in the mail! Needless to say, I am currently sitting on a slightly sore bottom today, but I’m definitely game for more playtime with our new toys!

Enjoy the rest of your Memorial Day weekend, Everyone!

Oh, the irony!

Last night, my fiancé decided to have a frank discussion about the possibility of the police being called so that if it ever happened we wouldn’t be caught completely off guard.  We live on private lane and our closest neighbor is about 100 ft away, so I assumed it would be pretty unlikely that it would ever happen while we were at home.  I mean definitely more likely at a hotel or if we ever had to live in an apartment, but almost certainly not at our brick, single-family home. …Well, ironically, the sheriff department showed up on our street at 10:45pm!
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We had just finished seriously discussing what could happen should any officers of the law ever get called to investigate our personal activities.  After that riveting discussion, I wasn’t really in the mood to play, so we went to take quick showers and get ready for bed.  I slipped into bed just before he came into the bedroom with the intent to drift off to sleep.
Then, the love of my life walked in and had apparently decided that I needed a long and hard spanking with the faux leather side of a paddle. Did I deserve it? Yes, I definitely had to admit it that I did.  I had been moping around all evening because we didn’t get a chance to play the previous night and then we had that stressful, mood-killing discussion only half an hour ago.  So, yes, I deserved it and I was willing to accept that I needed it to relieve some tension.
He told me turn over so that I was facedown, bottom up on the bed.  For the first time ever, he started pretty hard and fast.  It wasn’t long before I was wiggling, shutting my eyes, and squeezing the stuffing out of the nearest pillow.  It felt like he was a man on a mission and the only objective involved was to see how fast my rear end could feel the burn. At some point, he whispered in my ear, “It’s ok to say, ‘ouch,’ honey.” I’ve never been very verbal before but the whispered sound, “Ah,” and some strained groaning definitely escaped my lips several times before it was over.
The experience was certainly intense, but I wasn’t regretting any of it – the pain, the acceptance, the letting go.  It was exactly what I needed.  He was in complete control and I didn’t have a care in the world.  I could focus on being in the moment. Once he decided it was over, we moved on to more feel-good activities and I was more than ready.  The reconnection we had and relief I felt was amazing.
Just as we were finishing up, my cell phone went off.  I got up to answer it.  My mom was on the other end.  Apparently, there were a few officers parked along the street by our house.  She and my dad had just finished speaking with them, and they said that they were responding to a domestic violence call.  Uh-oh!  My parents told the numbers on the four houses down the street and sent them to the dead end where they assumed was the source of the disturbance.  At that point, I hung up the phone and we got dressed in case the officers decided came back to ask us any questions since we still weren’t sure who called them and which house they were actually looking for.

Sure enough, we walked outside to a couple more deputies wandering back to their vehicles across our front yard.  Apparently, they were just taking a look around the wooded area on my land in case the there was someone lurking around.  That’s when we found out that there was a domestic dispute at the end of the road…something about too much to drink and the woman’s boyfriend slapped her.  Now, I am in no way condoning any non-consensual activity like the situation for which the sheriff’s department was called and I do believe they should be called, but I was and am still definitely relieved they were not called out here because some neighbors somehow managed to hear our very consensual activities.

After breathing a sigh of relief, neither of us could believe the irony!  We just had a discussion about the possibility of officers showing up, and then just as we are finishing up the spanking activities, the sheriff’s department appears on our street for a domestic violence call.  What kind of coincidence is that?!

At Peace

Wednesday night after one of those long days, my lover and I wandered into our bedroom deciding that we no longer wanted to spend time doing normal evening activities.  Upon entering, I stripped out of my clothes and went to the bottom of the bed.  I got on my knees on the long pleather-top bench we have there and leaned over the end of the bed.  My lover came up beside me and asked, “Have you been naughty today?”  My answer to his question would usually tell him if I want to be spanked or not, regardless if I was actually naughty or not.  
Instead of saying, “Yes,” and pretending that I had done something to warrant a spanking, I whispered, “No, I just want a spanking.”  He bent down to retrieve my soft leather belt from my jeans…oh, I love the sound the belt makes when he pulls it through the belt loops.  I turned my head towards him and smiled.  He doubled up the belt and landed the first strike.  It wasn’t that hard, but I really didn’t need hard just yet.  He let it fly a few more times – each time varying his technique and where it landed.  We are both new to this and he doesn’t want to hurt me, but does want to give me what I need.  So when he hit a particular spot or put the right amount of power behind it, I would just nod and smile to assure him that he was definitely going in the right direction.
After a couple of minutes with the belt, he decided to switch to a smooth pingpong paddle (yes, this paddle was an impulse buy from a couple of weeks before).  With this, he tried out different combinations of strength and speed.  I had told him that I like harder hits when they are a little spaced out to produce more of an ache, or I like lighter, rapid fire swats which produce more of a stinging burn – I don’t like extremely hard and rapid fire.  He was doing wonderfully.  I found myself presenting my bottom and enjoying every minute.  He would occasionally ask if something was too hard and check-in with me.  Of course he didn’t have to but his concern let’s me know how much he cares about me. 
At some point, he put the pingpong paddle down and started to use his hand.  The combination of sting and thud that his hand can produce was absolutely perfect.  After a particularly hard spank, he decided to change his question from “is that too hard?” to something along the lines of “can I keep going?”  For me, the questions have different implications and lead me to different mindsets.  “Is that too hard?” implies that the next swat will either be softer or harder based on what I say which is topping from the bottom, therefore I am somewhat in control.  I like giving him control so that I don’t have to think and can just enjoy the submissive feelings. His other question allows me to say, “Yes, keep going,” and he will decide how hard or soft and vary all aspects of play on his own.
For us, spanking almost always comes before lovemaking.  So far, our way of switching from spanking to sex is that he will ask if I’m ready or I will just grab a condom which is usually within reach.  The only problem I have with these scenarios is again – I am mostly in control. I really don’t care for being in control at this point because honestly, I never really know when I want to stop playing and move on…I just usually figure it’s getting late, we have to work tomorrow, maybe he’s getting tired, etc., so my own mental distractions tend to cause me to want to stop.  On this night, I grabbed the condom like normal, but instead of him taking it from me and moving on, he kept spanking!  In fact, what’s this? He was also spanking harder!  Oh my! He’s giving me what I wanted – what I needed!  I was no longer in control, he was.  I could let go and just feel.  I could get lost in the sensations and that’s exactly what was happening and it felt absolutely wonderful.  He stopped when my mind and body relaxed.  He slid the condom from my hand and passionately entered me from behind.  His rough carpenter’s hands grabbed my backside and everything just mixed so well with the pain and pleasure.  I felt him reach his peak and slide out of me.  He told me to get my Hitachi wand and proceeded to bring me to my own climax with the combination of well-placed vibrations and his well-tuned-to-me fingers.
After cleaning up, we climbed back into bed and he held me in his arms. I felt at peace.

What do you do for a living?

I took Friday off from work and I’ve been pretty out of it the last few days because I’m trying to fight off this cold or sinus infection.  Since I was starting to feel better, I was back at work yesterday and today but still couldn’t concentrate for more than a couple of hours at a time.  I would end up getting coffee or checking my phone a lot and then I’d sit back down and try to get something done.  Well, today it was much of the same (honestly, when is it not?), so I decided to entertain myself for a few minutes and think of every word that we use regularly at work that would under normal (not work) circumstances cause fits of laughter, elicit dirty jokes, and allow the ever imaginative mind to wander to more interesting activities (anything can be more interesting than sitting at a damn desk all day).  
So without further ado, here’s my list of work-related buzzwords.  I’ll remind you that I am a mechanical engineer. 🙂
  1. Lubrication (Usually too much friction is not a good thing.)
  2. Friction (Use lubrication.)
  3. Penetration (Oh yeah? Where are you going to put that?)
  4. Balls 
  5. Nuts and Bolts
  6. Studs (No, you aren’t a muffin, so quit looking at me like that.)
  7. Screw (Screw who?)
  8. Erection (Yep, that was pretty hard to get up.)
  9. Nipple (Imagine a male engineer explaining what a nipple is to a female engineer.  LMAO)
  10. Rod (Spare the rod? Nah…)
  11. Coupling
  12. Clamp
  13. Pressure (Just put a little more pressure right here.)
  14. Male/Female Fittings (Yes, the male end fits into the female end.)
  15. Vibration (Hmmmm….)
  16. Heat Transfer (Boy, it’s getting hot in here!)
  17. Impact Stress (For me, impact relieves stress.)
  18. Shaft
  19. Plug (Yes, I’d lube that up too before putting it in there.)
  20. Holes (We have holes for screws, bolts, shafts, and rods.  Just insert yours here.)
  21. Ruler (You can use it to measure but I can think of other uses for it.)
  22. Bottom (Oh, where’d that ruler go?)
  23. Bending Moment (Be careful where you choose to have that moment!  Especially since he just found that ruler!)
  24. Pump Suction Head (Right…need I explain?)
  25. Drive Shaft 
  26. Strap it down (Sure)
  27. Tie it down (Sounds like fun!)
  28. Spreader Bar (What? Did you say just say spreader bar? Damn, I’ve been wanting to try one, but I’m definitely not that limber!)

Let’s just say it’s a good thing we can’t read each other’s minds at work.  Some days I don’t know how we ever getting any thing done at all!  Feel free to add what comes to your mind when reading my list, or post your own workday buzzword list!  It certainly made my workday more entertaining.

Communication, Communication, Communication

So I thought I would open with a couple of what men think versus what women think dialogues that I came across recently on the Internet.
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Here’s the first one found @ http://web.mit.edu/adorai/www/hesaidshesaid.html

He said, she said: A dialogue (in stereotype)
by Dave Barry, slightly modified by the Car Talk guys


A guy named Roger is driving his girlfriend, Gloria, home from dinner one night, when Gloria says, “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” There is silence in the car. To Gloria, it seems like a very loud silence. 

Gloria (thinking): Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. 

Roger (thinking): Gosh. Six months. 

Gloria (thinking): But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are…I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? 

Roger (thinking): So that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa, I am way overdue for an oil change here. 

Gloria (thinking): He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. 

Roger (thinking): And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600! 

Gloria (thinking): He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. 

Roger (thinking): They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs. 

Gloria (thinking): Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy. 

Roger (thinking): Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their… 

Gloria (aloud): Roger? 

Roger (startled): What? 

Gloria (her eyes filling with tears): Please don’t torture yourself like this. Maybe I should never have…Oh God, I feel so… 

Roger: What? 

Gloria (sobbing): I’m such a fool. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse. 

Roger: There’s no horse? 

Gloria: You think I’m a fool, don’t you? 

Roger (relieved finally to know the right answer): No. 

Gloria: It’s just that…It’s that I…I need some time. 

Roger (after a 15-second pause during which he is thinking as fast as he can, trying to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.): Yes. 

Gloria (deeply moved, touching his hand): Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? 

Roger: What way? 

Gloria: That way about time. 

Roger: Oh. Yes. 

Gloria (gazing deeply into Roger’s eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.): Thank you, Roger. 

Roger: Thank you

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed and cries until dawn. Roger goes back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he could ever understand what. He figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. 

The next day Gloria calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering every possible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions. 

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Gloria’s, pauses just before serving, frowns, and says, “Norm, did Gloria ever own a horse?”

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The second one I found @ http://weknowmemes.com/2011/10/his-her-diary-on-the-same-day/

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While these stereotypical men’s versus women’s reactions/responses/assumptions seem hilarious to those from afar, they do convey two very important messages.

1) Communication is a major part of any relationship.
2) Try not to assume anything.  If in doubt, ask. 

Because we are all individuals and we all think differently, it is very important to keep open lines of communication.  Whether you are discussing this month’s bills or debating on which sexual fantasy you would like to try next, being willing and able to openly discuss and adjust is all part of keeping a healthy relationship going.

Prior to my current relationship, true communication had always been difficult for me particularly when it involved discussing my wants and desires or even talking about something that bothered me.  It’s not that I can’t communicate – I can and have always been able to converse well into the night about any other subject, give a speech in front of a ton of people, and even talk about someone else’s fantasies, but at any point when the conversation turned to my personal desires, I would tend to get embarrassed and clam up.  It’s not that I had nothing to say or didn’t have my own fantasies, on the contrary, my mind would be racing through several scenarios that would turn me on, but none of those thoughts ever actually made it out of my mouth.  Instead, I would just shrug my shoulders and say nothing.

Nowadays, I have become much more open and honest in my relationship and a lot of that is because of my fiancé.  The fact that he didn’t go running for the hills when I first mentioned spanking was certainly a big help. 🙂 All the communication thereafter has been helping us build a stronger and more trusting relationship.  It also opens the door to explore new things.  That’s not to say we aren’t still working on communicating, after all it is an on-going thing, but it is getting easier.   

It’s probably worth noting (especially for others who have trouble communicating) that before I started blogging, I actually used a notebook to write down journal-like entries addressed directly to my fiancé.  The purpose of the notebook was to let him know how I felt about what we were trying.  For me, it was easier to write it down later and hand him the notebook rather than have a spur of the moment conversation.  Then, he could ask questions and it would be a way for us to open an easy dialogue.

Since trying this method of communication, I’ve noticed an improvement with communicating verbally so that now I feel more confident about expressing my wants/desires/fantasies.  LOL, I’ll probably always feel a little embarrassed but it is certainly a marked improvement.  🙂  After all, if I don’t tell him what I want, how on earth is he supposed to know?  Now the only problem is figuring out what it is that I actually want!

Acceptance – "It’s ok, I’ve got you."

When you think of acceptance, usually what comes to mind is the act of either being accepted by others or you accepting others who may or may not be different from yourself.  


As kids, many of us went through an adolescent period of trying to fit in…of being accepted by our peers.  Now, if your peers didn’t like who you were, then you would feel judged and hurt.  In order to make life easier on yourself, you would start to adjust to what everyone would consider the “norm” even if that meant hiding or changing something about yourself.   The desire to simply be accepted overran being true to who you were.

As adults who now have adult desires, many of us have gone through similar circumstances again, especially if you are into something considered a little different or kinky, e.g. having the desire to spank or be spanked.  But, even as grown men and women who understand the importance of tolerance and acceptance, why are so many of us still afraid or embarrassed to express that kinky want, desire, and/or need?  Sometimes I think it’s because of the other part of acceptance that isn’t always thought about.  

Acceptance isn’t only about being accepted by someone else or you accepting someone else.  It is also about you accepting who you are.  This simple act of acceptance is what I love about this community.  Here, we can accept others for who they are and allow people to be open about what they want without judging.  This empowers others to accept themselves which in turn builds self-confidence and leads to better communication in all surrounding relationships.


I came across the following story and thought it applied well with this topic.  I enjoyed it because it focuses more on the inner turmoil from the range of emotions (fear, doubt, resistance) and the emotional release thereafter that one can experience around that first (or any) spanking. The story is called Her First Spanking” by darkenhorse .

Her First Spanking” by darkenhorse 

Suddenly I’m not sure if I’ve made the right choice. A wave of fear washes over me and I’m about to get up and tell him to forget about the whole thing when his hand moves to my back, pushing gently but firmly and keeping me in position over his knee. 

“It’s ok, I’ve got you.” 

It should be illegal to have a voice that sexy. That was my first thought on meeting Mr Matthew Holder four and a half years ago. Actually that’s a lie, my first thought was ‘What an arrogant, pompous ass!’. To be fair to him I had arrived in the middle of a rant against the state of British tennis, a sore topic for a man who once dreamed of Grand Slam finals. I later discovered him to be one of the humblest, kindest men I’ve ever met and the love of my life, a far cry from my first impression but at least I was right about the voice. 

I still can’t quite believe my luck. It’s hard to comprehend how I, indecisive, disorganised and ever so slightly loopy, managed to ensnare this beautiful man, but I guess the world works in mysterious ways. Two and half years into marriage and I’m still crazy in love with him, to the point where it’s almost embarassing and as far I can tell he feels the same about me. Wonders will never cease. 

However, there is one rotten apple in our basket of bliss. 

The sex is ok. Just ok. 

Now, I know you can’t have everything in life but I just don’t understand it. It’s not like he’s awful or inexperienced or anything and he usually makes sure that I cum, but it’s like something’s missing. It’s almost as though he’s holding himself back. If I’m honest so am I but I’d hoped that I would be able to please him without needing to express the part of me that I try so hard to pretend doesn’t even exist. I love him too much to risk losing him because of something stupid like a fantasy. 

That used to be my mantra anyway. I don’t really know how I got to this point, I think the champagne cocktails Matt kept ordering for me last night may have had something to do with it. It was my birthday and he took me out on the town to celebrate, stating that I deserved a bit of glamour and fun. There was plenty of both up until the moment he started asking about my fantasies. I’d been sober every other time we’d had this conversation and I’d managed to fob him off with some creative bullshit about candles and rose petals. I thought I’d convinced him until I saw the look in his eyes, clear as day even through my champagne induced haze. He was using my inebriation to get his own way and if I hadn’t been so impressed by his plotting I might have been angry. 

As it was I simply assured him that I knew his game and that no matter how drunk he got me I wasn’t going to tell him anything about the spanking thing. 

Yes, bring me all your secrets everybody, I’m unbreakable. Except when a little tipsy and confused, in which instance I crack like an egg. So much for my pride. 

I don’t really remember much about the rest of the night, but I do know that, unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. After a long morning in bed recovering and lots of tea and nurofen, Matt brought up my drunken confession. I tried to brush it of as a joke but he just stared me down and eventually I quietened. 

“It’s ok. Look at me. Do I look like someone who’s freaking out because his wife’s confessed she’s a little kinky?” 

I rolled my eyes but then couldn’t resist sneaking a peak at him. He actually looked radiant, can you say that about men? He looked calm and excited all at once and in a split second it occurred to me that this might turn out to be a good thing. A moment later my self doubt was back but I felt brave enough to at least talk about it and maybe even be a little honest. 

“No, but you’re so nice you would probably be ok with anything I said and I couldn’t bear it if you did something just because you thought I would like it” I was proud at how mature I sounded and expected him to be blown away by my clear thinking logic and selflessness. 

“Ok, first of all what the hell is wrong with wanting to do something just because it would make my wife happy, and secondly, how do you know you’d be the only one enjoying it?” 

Pardon the cliche, but my jaw literally fell open.  

His eyes twinkled knowingly at my reaction but he carried on regardless. “How do you know it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping you’d say? You have to stop making assumptions about me and what I think, you know me pretty well but sometimes you can hit completely off the mark.” 

My mind was so thrown by this new development that self-censure went out the proverbial window, “You mean you want to spank me?!”, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted him to say yes or no. Luckily I didn’t have too much time to ponder. 

“And much more besides.” 

Well, this was a turn up for the books! 

After even more tea and a long, agonisingly frank discussion about the finer details of our mutual desires and fantasies, I suddenly found myself bent over Matt’s knee with my knickers round my ankles and my arse naked and exposed. I was a little shocked at how simultaneously embarassed and turned on I was, I didn’t know whether to laugh or start humping his leg, but in the end I just lay there, waiting to see what would happen next. 

As I waited my mind went into overdrive. Would he regret this afterwards? Would I regret it? How much would it hurt? Was I just being ridiculous, did I really want to be spanked for God’s sake, I wasn’t a child! Would he know when to stop? Would I want him to? 

I was suddenly overwhelmed by all my fears and doubts and I went to stand up. It wasn’t too late, we could still brush the whole thing off and get back to our happy, normal, safe life and everything would be ok. 

“It’s ok, I’ve got you.” 

While still the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard (bar perhaps Johnny Depp) there was a strength and confidence in it that I would have sworn wasn’t there before and somehow it did feel ok. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I trusted him with my heart, but the warmth and comfort coming from his hand on my back, the hard, solid feel of his legs beneath my body and the calm assurance and control in his voice gave me the courage to trust him with my body and maybe even with my soul. 

My acceptance must have shown itself in the release of tension in my body as Matt reacted as though I’d spoken my thoughts out loud. 

“Well done, you know I’ve got you. Just relax and open yourself up to me. I promise I won’t go further than you can take, you just have to trust me.” 

“I do trust you” 

“Good, now I’m going to start slowly and build up so be prepared. You may cry out if you need to and in fact I want you to, I don’t want you to try and hide your emotions, ok?” 

“Ok” 

“I want you to think of a word and if you really want me to stop for any reason I want you to say it. You will be punished if you use it prematurely but equally you will be punished if you don’t say it when you should. Do you understand?” 

“I understand.”, I had no idea what he meant by ‘punished’ but my pussy was certainly intrigued and I couldn’t stop the frisson of excitement his words caused from making me shiver with desire. I forced my mind back to the serious issue of a safe word. I’d read about such things but had never really believed that I’d ever have to come up with one myself. I knew it had to be memorable and completely innocuous so as not to be misunderstood, but I also wanted it to be meaningful and unique to us. 

“Break point.” 

It was almost too obvious but I knew he would get the double meaning. 

“Good.” 

There was a pause in which my heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest, and then I felt the palm of his hand make contact with my ass for the first time. It was surprisingly real. I’m not entirely sure what I’d imagined but somehow the difference between fantasy and reality is the physicality of it, every sense alive with excitement and expectancy. 

As promised he build up the spanks steadily, increasing the speed and intensity until I was gasping with every hit. It didn’t hurt exactly, at least not at first. It more like an overload of sensation, and the intimacy of the moment almost overwhelmed me. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable that I was surprised to realise that I was close to using my safe word. I had assumed that it would be the pain that would be my weakness, but I enjoyed the physical sensations of the spankings. The emotions it brought up in me were much harder to take. 

As it went on the feelings of self doubt and fear seemed to bubble up inside me and I couldn’t keep them down. I was shaking as the spanks got harder and harder. I welcomed the pain but I feared the emotions, I daren’t let them free or he would see it all and that would be too much to bear. So I kept my mouth shut and tried my hardest to fight it, to fight the serenity of release that was beckoning me. I had wanted this for so long but now I was here I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t understood how much it would cost me or how much I would risk and I wished I could take it all back. 

I fought and fought and fought until I had nothing left to give and I broke. If I could have spoken I would have said my safe word, but I couldn’t get my mouth to work. There was nothing left for me to do except to wait for the rejection that I knew would come. 

Through all of my inner turmoil the spanks continued and now that I’d stopped fighting it I embraced the rhythm, the steady beat of his hand on my arse. I let myself sink into it and I found a peace that I’m not sure I’d ever felt before. I seemed to float on a sea of sensation and I allowed myself a moment of calm before the inevitable storm. 

Suddenly it stopped. It took me a second to realise that something had changed. Keeping me on his lap Matt tilted my head up towards him, allowing my body to shift round slightly. I tried to avoid his eyes, unwilling to share this one last part of myself. As usual though his patience won out and I couldn’t resist looking up at him. I have never felt so exposed, so known. I waited for the blow, the cutting remark or mocking word that would slice through my heart like a knife, not knowing how I would ever recover from this and swearing never to drink again, I clearly needed to be sober to keep myself safe. 

“I love you.” 

What? I must have looked confused as Matt chuckled gently. “Why is it always so hard for you to believe? I’d think you had a hard childhood but your parents are wonderful and I know they always told you they loved you.” 

“They did.” 

“Do you know what, I thinks it’s because you don’t love yourself.” 

“What? What are you talking about?” love myself, what on earth did he mean? I’m not arrogant, I know my own failings. 

“You don’t think anyone could see you, really see you, see into your very soul, see you at your must vulnerable, when you hate yourself the most and still love you. But I do. I see you, all of you and I love it. I love you.” 

I’m not usually good at emotional moments, I do my best to diffuse them with humour, but looking up at him from his lap, his hand resting comfortingly on my bare ass, I just couldn’t do it. 

My voice broke as I replied, “Thank you, thank you so much. I love you too. And I’m sorry.” Suddenly all the emotion that I couldn’t release during the spanking broke free and Matt pulled me up into his arms, holding me close. I felt exposed, and vulnerable and known and my ass was going to be sore for a few days but I was loved and that made it all ok. I held on tighter as I imagined what my life would be like if I hadn’t met him, and I sobbed into his chest. 

“It’s ok, I’ve got you.” 

And he did, he had all of me, for as long as he wanted.

Darkenhorse. “Her First Spanking.” Literotica.com. Literotica, 22 July 2010. Web. 07 May 2014. .

"Why do any of us blog anymore?"

This post is in response to Erica Scott‘s post “Rant: Yes, I’m frustrated.”  At first, I had planned on just commenting, but then my comment turned into ~500 words so instead of taking up a ton of room in her comment section, I decided to just post and link back to it instead. 🙂

First, let’s answer the question, “Why did you start blogging?” 
I tried for years to keep a private journal, but it never failed to fail – I would write for maybe a week and then abruptly stop. Why? Because in my mind, why on earth would I need to write down my own thoughts as if I wasn’t the one having them? I know what I think so why would I need to write it down?  It isn’t doing me any good.  Now granted, I really do understand that it really does help some people.  To those people, journaling is a way to get out negative feelings and document important things in one’s life.  For me, it just never worked.  When I started my first very vanilla, every-day-life blog, all of my friends at the time new about it and had his or her own so we had our own private online community where we could talk, complain, ask questions, and gain perspective by offering opinions.  We could share our experiences which allowed us to learn and grow by opening our minds to other ideas.  It allowed us to gain perspective.  But in the end, comments started to dwindle, life started happening (for me, college was kicking into high gear and the beginning of a career was on the horizon), and slowly posts/updates started to fade.  That blog lasted eight years.
So, back to Erica’s question, “Why do any of us blog anymore?”  I just started my non-vanilla blog a couple of days ago.  I blog for the exact same reasons I started blogging ten years ago – to share experiences, hear other opinions, and gain perspective.  Sure, some will join us and some will bid us farewell.  The world will keep spinning and life goes on with a heavy heart on some days and skip in our steps the next.  C’est la vie!

As for comments, I could definitely imagine new posts getting lost very easily if one is following a ton of blogs, especially if everyone decides to update in one day – that could be a very happy nightmare (YAY, people are posting!  OMG, I have more than a hundred to read before work tomorrow!?).  I’ve been lurking around four blogs in particular since about March.  At first, I didn’t want to comment because I was spending a ton of time catching up so it seemed pointless to comment on non-current posts (though I definitely thought about it).  Now, that I have 1) more or less caught up and 2) a blog and a [nick]name of my own I feel more comfortable delurking.  I did notice it was mentioned that some lurkers seem to get the feeling that they aren’t welcome to add thoughts because everyone seems to know each other already…well, I read through a ton of posts and through the ton-of-posts’ comments, but I personally never felt excluded or offended in any way.  Had I happened upon these posts when they were being posted, I feel I would have delurked a lot sooner.  Alas, I cannot change the past, so moving forward, I intend to comment as the urge arises.  

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more welcomed and accepted by a group of people I haven’t even chatted with/e-mailed/met/etc. 🙂

"Tell me what you’re thinking…"

I pulled the following excerpt from a story called “First Punishment” by verogenous which was posted on Literotica.com.  In this excerpt, we never actually get to the “first punishment” that is mentioned in the title, but this introduction really spoke volumes to me when I first came across it, so I just thought I’d share it…
—–

Since I was about 18 or so I have known I am sexually turned on by spanking and dominance. I accidentally ran across a “spanking magazine” and read a story about a young woman being spanked and made love to by her “Dom”. It turned me on so much I read that story over and over again until I almost had it memorized. By the time I met my husband and married him I had done as much reading as I could at that time (1982) on the subject and found many other forms of spanking and dominance had also turned me on. Somehow I just knew this little kink of mine was not a good thing and most people would never understand, so I had decided very early on, I would just have to keep this little dirty secret to myself. And I did until… 

One night about 6 months after we were married we were lying in bed talking after spending a long time making love and he pulled me close to him, looked me in the eye “Tell me what you’re thinking” 

This was a normal routine for us, since we were young and still learning I guess he had insecurities too that needed to be addressed, thus asking me on a regular basis my thoughts. As usual with me I was afraid to actually admit that I had been thinking sex would have been a whole lot better had he of taken me over his lap and spanked me slowly and sensually until my bottom was red all over and hot to the touch. Instead I answered that question as I always had 

“Nothing, just enjoying the afterglow.”  

At this point he would smile and hug me close to him and we would usually go to sleep, me lying on his chest and his body wrapped around mine.  

This night however; was not going to be the same for either of us again. He sighs heavily 
“Are you sure that’s what’s on your mind “little one”? 

Those words made my stomach flutter and my sex starting twitching and began to get really hot. I looked at him, studying his expression, his deep blue eyes staring a hole through me, yet he was slightly grinning at me. I looked at him for a long time before finally asking,
“What would make you ask me that again?”  

He sighed again and pulled me even closer to him and whispered in my ear.
“I think I know a naughty little girl who may need her ass spanked for not being honest with me.” 

I was so stunned at his words, I actually jumped off the bed and stood there, literally shaking and starring at him, I couldn’t talk, my mouth was dry and my throat was totally constricted. His eyes began to sparkle and he broke out into a huge smile as he reached under the bed and pulled out my “collection” of books, magazines and pictures I had cut out of magazines of different spanking implements. I was so totally shocked, I felt my knees knocking and my legs become too weak to hold me up, I fell to the floor onto my knees, leaning back on my heels, I can feel the embarrassment flood throughout my body as my whole body to the top of my head blushed profusely. The whole time asking myself how in the hell he found the box, it had been hidden back in our guest room closet where I keep the extra blankets and junk I don’t want anyone to see. My hubby had been quite busy it seems and had actually taken the time to read my material and do a little research of his own. He had decided when the time was right he would let me know, as always with this man, he took his time and made sure whatever it is he’s involving himself in he needs to be sure he understands and knows what he’s doing. He reached over and wiped the stray lock of hair that had fallen over my eye, wrapped it around my ear and moved to the floor where I was kneeling and sat beside me, holding me tightly to his chest and then begins to speak. He turned my face so that I was looking into his eyes.  

“Baby doll” (That’s my nickname he has always used for me) “Why didn’t you tell me you were into spanking and D/s?”  

I was still unable to speak and leaned my head on his shoulder. He pulls me back and makes me look directly into his eyes; I see nothing but love and a whole lot of lust. Anyway, to make a long story short, I finally did open up and told him how turned on I get from spanking and dominance. He in turn opened up to me, letting me know he had never given it any thought until he stumbled across my “secret box”. He expressed a sincere desire to indulge both of us in this little kink of mine and had come up with all sorts of ideas he would like to try as well. We began our little journey that night as he pulled us both up off the floor together and sat down on the bed, slowly turned me over his lap and ever so lovingly spanked me until I was begging him to make love to me again. Needless to say, that night we slept maybe two hours and nine months later our first beautiful little boy came into this world.

Verogenous. “First Punishment.” Literotica.com. Literotica, 15 Nov. 2005. Web. 06 May 2014. .
—–

Before I started being more open with my fiancé, we would have moments in bed just after making love where the dialogue for the beginning of this story could have been ours verbatim.  Why didn’t I ever say anything?  Because I was embarrassed!  Because I hadn’t accepted that part of me.  Because I wasn’t really sure of what I wanted, though spanking was certainly the predominating item on a very short list.  How could I say “I want you to spank me…no, not those silly love pats.  I mean really spank me.”  Or, maybe I was wrong? Maybe I just thought I wanted it.  Maybe it should just stay a fantasy.

Eventually, we did talk about it after I casually brought it up a few times.  My fiancé has been a big help in getting me to be more open.  He even realizes that spanking is a part of me – it is more than just a fantasy.  He accepts me for who I am and now our communication is improving and our lovemaking has increased greatly.  Even though this did take him by surprise and he was a little hesitant, we are helping each other work through our reservations and becoming stronger as a couple.