Monthly Archives: June 2014
Sound familiar? How often do these words actually mean what they say? Why do these phrases seem to be the default answers when we are upset? Come on, I know I’m not the only one who attempts to use them as quick copouts to avoid revealing the answer. Isn’t it just easier to say one of the automatic responses than expose our emotions, our vulnerability, or how needy we really are underneath the facade? Hurry, flip the autopilot switch before you reach the point of no return and fall to pieces!
So, what could be the real answer to “What’s wrong?” or “What’s the matter?”
A possible answer could be something insignificant like I forgot something on the grocery list. OK, so in this instance, I just feel ridiculous for forgetting whatever it was especially if it was on the list and after spending a crazy amount of time in the store. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that I’m embarrassed; however, this could also be the final straw that broke the camel’s back.
Or, it could be that I simply had a rough day at work. My days can vary. One day I could be managing/programming the company’s internal webpage which is not even remotely related to mechanical engineering, but I do enjoy it. The next day I could be working on two quotes and taking care of two jobs (calculations, drawings, paperwork, etc.). Some days just make me feel frazzled because customers are calling in, things are due, and of course everyone else is out of the office! I know I should learn to step back and breathe. Believe me, I used to be a lot worse when it came to work-related stress. Even though I’ve learned how to let some things go, I can still have my rough days.
It could also be more complex like someone saying something and because of a combination of the way it was said and how I took it, now I feel very insecure and hurt. Maybe it’s one scenario or maybe it’s just adding one more thing to the list of things that could be bugging me. Suddenly, all those annoying little things, which might have been manageable individually, are now wrecking havoc in my head.
So, how could this play out in conversation and how could you get passed the brick wall that has been erected in an attempt to save yourself from possible rejection? The dialogue of the automated response conversation can happen any number of ways. Here’s one version that might help me.
At the end of one of those long days…
Me: (you and I make eye contact and I look away quickly, eyes beginning to water) Maybe he won’t notice. After all, I’m fine, right?
Him: (with concern) Honey, what’s wrong?
Me: (on the verge of tears – the dam won’t hold for long) I shake my head as if to say, “Nothing,” but don’t utter a word.
Him: Baby, I can see it all over your face. Now, what’s the matter?
Me: (a tear travels silently down my cheek) He actually cares about me – I can hear it in his voice. I can’t hide because he can see right through me. Breaking down, I reply, “I don’t know!” (insecurities kick in) It doesn’t matter. He’s just going to think I’m being foolish. My heart feels heavy. Why can’t I be strong enough? Why am I so needy? I feel so childish, raw, and vulnerable. What happened to the strong, independent woman? Damn, I guess I left her at work.
Me, cont.: (glancing up at him, mind buzzing with irrational, fear-induced rambling – no, not fear of him or anything he’ll do, but fear of rejection and fear of not being worth the trouble) Please don’t leave me! I need you…to be my rock, to pick up the pieces, to take control for a little while. (He hasn’t moved yet. He’s just patiently watching me.)
Him: (His hand reaches out to caress my face.) Do you need a spanking?
Me: (not looking at him) I nod.
Him: Sweetheart, come here. I’ve got you. Let me take care of you. (He reaches for my hand and gently pulls me facedown over his lap.) It’s OK. I’m here. (His hand caresses my bottom.) This isn’t a punishment – it’s because I love you and I want to help you. We will deal with this together.
Me: (whispered) I love you, too.
With his hand and maybe some implements, he slowly tears down the wall, watches me relax, and whispers sweet encouragement. He is there to pick up the pieces. When it’s over, I’ll feel loved, cared for, protected, and cherished. Maybe now, we can talk about what was bothering me, significant or not. I no longer fear being rejected. For the time being, the weight of the world is no longer resting on my shoulders. Soon, I’ll be able to stand strong and take on the world again.
Q: But wait, did you ever answer? What was such a big deal?
A: (shrugs with a shy smile) I don’t know…maybe I just needed to cry…
OK, so this is a follow-up to last week’s post about the Magnum Infinity ice cream.
I did end up buying a box mostly because I absolutely love chocolate but also because I wanted to simply indulge my curiosity and see what’s in the box (yes, I know the picture on the front shows what should be in it – just bear with me). I brought it home and waited until after dinner for my dessert like a good girl (ha!). So, what did I see when I opened the box?
Ta-da! Yep, now, I’m definitely thinking chocolate covered, elongated…something all right, but ice cream isn’t it! Plus, look, it’s even in a golden wrapper (which still screams condom to me)!
Since my kinky mind has completely overruled all vanilla thoughts and after I nibbled and licked my way passed the delicious triple chocolate ice cream, I’m left with the flat wooden stick…which so conveniently resembles what exactly? A miniature paddle!
Time for a recap: Trojan Magnum, KY Intense (or His and Her) color scheme, golden condom wrapper, and a paddle – I personally think someone knew what they were doing.
(laughing) What? I can’t help what my kinky brain will notice next! Hope everyone is having a good week! 🙂
Yep, that’s what I thought every time I sat down today. Even walking has provided a pretty good reminder of what transpired. The man I love decided to make sure that last night was all about taking care of me and my needs.
He didn’t use his paddle last night. Nope, instead, he used every other implement we have – the Cane-iac paddle, the Cane-iac double strap, a plastic hairbrush, both ends of a long-handle wooden spoon, and his hand. I spent the first part of the evening over his knee. While in that position, I noticed I could see an upside down view of us in a mirror that we have propped up against the wall in our game room. My first thought was, “Why on earth does he find that view sexy?!” Then, my eyes started to take in everything else…I watched him mix spanking with gentle rubbing. I watched when he leaned over for a closer look to make sure that I was physically OK. My next thought was, “Wow, I really love and trust this man.”
Eventually, he slid out from underneath me and I bent back over the tall padded stool. He randomly worked his way through our arsenal of implements. I’m sure I felt everything multiple times – I mean he would switch back and forth among them creating a variety of sensations. It certainly felt like this was our longest, hardest, and most thorough scene since starting TTWD. I didn’t cry (I actually haven’t yet), but it was still just what I needed. When he decided I’d had enough, he left the room to retrieve my Hitachi wand and the smaller of my two dildos (LOL, not the one that smells like grapes). I took the wand from him and put it to good use while he used the dildo to stimulate that oh-so exciting internal spot until I reached that blissful release.
I really didn’t feel the depth of the soreness until I stood upright again. Yikes! There’s no broken skin or anything, but I definitely have marks. 🙂 My love rubbed some lotion on me and held me for a while as I drifted off to sleep. I know I started out on my stomach last night, but every time I rolled over I remember wincing and smiling.
I am one lucky woman. But, do you think I’m finally sated? Even with a sore derrière, I still crave more! Maybe not as hard, but sheesh, I crave everything about it. Is this an addiction? Quite possibly. That or I must be crazy… Oh well, at least I’ll die happy! ;-P
My fiancé and I were having a discussion back on June 2nd and our age difference came up as one of the topics. I don’t really remember the details but I have no doubt that we were probably picking on each other. I am almost nine years younger that he is. Our birthdays are 13 days apart, which means we are both Ares – no wonder we can both be so freaking stubborn sometimes! Anyway, I just about watched lightning strike his lightbulb (you know, the invisible one that hovers above your head) as he came up with the idea that I should receive nine strokes every day for the rest of our lives. He smiled at the thought of his brilliant idea and I giggled watching his expressions play across his handsome face.
The next morning I wrote him a note that simply said, “You know I’ll hold you to at least that!” Due to temporary insanity (or that’s what I’m blaming it on anyway), I also added, “Hmm…you know I kinda want my set of nine to come from your paddle I think. Most likely not all at full force ’cause that will probably be too much, but I want them from yours because it’s the first paddle that you made me! :-)”
After he read the note, I asked him, “What happens if we miss a set of nine?”
He replied, “That’s OK. They rollover!” To which I cracked up.
Would you know it, after fifteen days (not including today), he has only missed one set of nine! As for actually using the paddle he made, he is thankfully very aware of whether or not I can handle it and will change to a different implement as the need arises. There have been a couple of days where I happened to still be sore from the previous night’s activities, so he simply adjusts accordingly.
We are usually in the kitchen when he decides, “I want my nine!” because I’m being sassy or giving him attitude or just because he feels like it. One of us will go retrieve the paddle from the bedroom closet and then I’ll bend over until my elbows are resting on one of our tall stools. On a normal day (and over jeans) with his paddle, I can take the first 4-5 pretty well, the next 3-4 I’m a bit more reluctant to not pull away and am definitely squeezing my eyes shut, and by the 9th my knees are just about to buckle. Every now and then, using his budding Top logic, he will decide I need “one more to grow on,” and I’ll agree. Afterward, he’ll hug me and say, “Good job, baby,” and I’ll melt.
On days when all I get are the nine and a little bit of aftercare (because life gets busy or one of us is too tired), those couple of minutes out of the day mean the world to me. I know I’m insatiable – there’s no denying it, and to some I am absolutely spoiled being able to play even for a couple of minutes almost every day, but I can’t help it. I need it. Thank you for putting up with me, my love.
Edit – Oh, and here’s a photo of his paddle…all 3/4″ thk. x 3 1/2″ wide x 20″ long of it.
Yikes! Yep, temporary insanity. Definitely can’t handle too much of this thing.
So, speaking of wanting it all, there is a twelve-chapter story on Literotica that I really got into at the end of last year. It’s appropriately titled Wanting It All by LB Grant. This well-written story touches on many facets of BDSM and TTWD. Some scenes appealed to me and others definitely stretched my limits. However, LB has the ability to keep you engaged and connected with each of the characters even through harder, more intense scenes.
Throughout the story, there is never a dull moment even in-between the scenes. She uses this normally uneventful space to allow for a natural progression in the storyline and to create connections among the various characters. Before you know it, you are suddenly emotionally invested. You want – no, you need everything to magically work out for everyone involved.
This story shows why open communication is so important in relationships. It shows why some secrets and personal desires are meant to be shared especially with someone you love and trust. It clearly shows the importance of safewords and the difference between consent and abuse – although it could be argued that you cannot make things right by two wrongs (cheating + borderline consent/non-consent punishment normally does not = happily ever after). Even so, the story is certainly intriguing.
Personally, there were two things that really appealed to me – 1) Every character has a chance to examine his/her own faults and how each had a hand in how they got to where they are today. Each person looks back on his/her experiences and learns from them. 2) At some point, two of the Doms (as well as the women themselves) realize that they actually have no desire to change the women they love from who they are. The women are strong-willed, opinionated, and independent, but sometimes they need a strong, level-headed man to take them in hand and give them what they desire. They all learn that they don’t want to lose the playful banter and sassiness that easily go back and forth during normal every day activities, but sometimes, especially in the bedroom, they want to play. In other words, they “want it all.”
Overall, I recommend giving this story a try. Just remember some scenes are a little tough to get through (try to skim/skip over them if they are too much for you) because I promise it does get better and some scenes at the end are very good learning experiences for everyone.
All scenes are M/F. Some scenes I would classify as somewhat hardcore, especially for some. Almost all scenes include bondage, some non-consent/reluctance, some anal play, minor ageplay, one gynecological doctor scene, Domination/submission, power exchange, domestic discipline, etc.
The first chapter starts off with a pretty heavy scene where the main character, Brianna, is in the middle of cheating on her husband with her ex-boyfriend. It very quickly goes from consensual spanking play to non-consensual sex. Now, normally stories that begin like this, I do not get into because it’s just not my cup o’ tea, but I decided to stick with it and kept reading.
Over the next couple chapters, Brianna is found out by her husband who takes her to be punished at a local dungeon where he just so happens to know the owner (look who else is keeping secrets?!).
Once her husband leaves, Brianna is coerced (mostly through guilt) into signing an agreement to proceed with being punished. So, it starts. Intermixed with phases of her punishment, you begin to understand why Brianna did what she did. You are also introduced to her husband’s past and find out how secretive everyone has been up to this point.
As secrets are revealed and pasts are analyzed, more characters get involved and suddenly it’s considerably more complicated than a single couple’s marital problems. Emotions run high, inner demons are fought, limits are pushed, and trust must be rebuilt. After the climax of the story (which is chalk full of emotional turmoil for both the characters and the reader – that’s the only warning you’ll get from me), you get to see love and trust begin anew and you will bear witness to an experienced dom gently introducing a newbie to the scene. You’ll be exposed to a softer, loving side of D/s which is exactly what we all need to wind down.
As one crazy weekend of Wanting It All comes to a close, I for one cannot wait until the next story comes out where we actually get a taste of Having It All.
I’d like to openly thank LB Grant for the exciting ride that she has provided us with so far!
Please bear with me while I follow this line of Q&A-type thinking. This is more or less a conversation between the love of my life and myself that we actually haven’t had. No, I’m not crazy…or maybe no crazier than the next person, and if we’re both/all crazy, then I consider myself in excellent company. 🙂 Also, I apologize in advance for foregoing some things, like quotation marks and such.
What do you want?
That is a question I have heard fairly often. Simple enough, right? What do you want to eat, what do you want to do, what do you want out of life? Apparently, I am a pretty indecisive person because most of the time I just don’t know the answers to any of that. My response is usually in the form of an indifferent, indecisive shrug of the shoulders and a glance at the floor. Let me guess – it looks like I don’t care, right? So of course, you feel frustrated, confused, impatient?
Now, you may think I’m purposefully being unhelpful or defiant in not answering. Perhaps I’m just being a woman or maybe it’s my time of the month? But how do you think I really feel when I can’t provide you with an answer? Embarrassed, shy, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, vulnerable. Okay, so I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers in life.
Let’s try narrowing the topic…what do you want out of being spanked? Is that specific enough for you, Jay? Can you answer that?
What? Why are we still talking about me?
Aha! And, that is the root of our problem. You clam up when we try to talk about what you want/desire/need. Why is it so hard for you to talk about the real you? What’s the matter?
I don’t know.
All right then, what do you know?
I know I like walking in the park, going to the movies, and playing video games. I know I’m in love with you, and I know I trust you. I know I enjoy thinking about being spanked, writing about being spanked, and actually being spanked.
What do I want out of being spanked? I want to hand over control to you. I do not want to make any decisions. I do not want to think. I want to let go. I want you to love me and take care of me when I am weak and vulnerable. I want to be accepted as I am, flaws and all. I want to release, to cry if the need arises. Sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I don’t. I want to be held and comforted. I want to feel that you’ve got me and be reassured that you aren’t going anywhere. I want to feel like I’m worthwhile.
What do I want out of life? I don’t want to be rich, but I’d like to live comfortably. I don’t want to forget to pause and enjoy the moment every once in a while. I want us to always be open with each other. I want us to not only be lovers but also best friends. I want to experience life together and grow old with you, hand-in-hand.
What do I want to do? I want to do a lot of things, however, time and money are not always on my side.
What do I want to eat? A chicken strip combo from Bojangle’s (too bad the nearest one is 276 miles away)
So, what do I want? I want it all. Is that too much to ask? Maybe now you know why I’m so indecisive.
Heck, even in my mind, I sound too needy. Am I being too hard on myself? How do I know if I’m worth it? You’d swear that I had parents, an ex, or some crazy event that royally messed with my self-image, but I didn’t…this is all me.
Just to clarify again. My fiancé and I haven’t actually had this conversation to this extent and we are doing just fine. 🙂 He did ask the initial question the other day and so it’s taken me a while to think about it. Unfortunately, I’ve done all the communicating in my own head, but never fear, my love will read this and I’m sure we will talk about it soon.
In the mean time, feel free to comment and/or provide your own answer to any of the questions presented in this post.
So, after two days of feeling down in the dumps, I’m finally feeling a lot better.
On Tuesday, I was really upset about all the stresses from everyday life…we are having a temporary financial setback , my parents are moving into a new double-wide that we just moved onto my land, work is constantly up and down, and I rejoined our community band (which was ultimately why we couldn’t handle my mood that evening).
So what’s the problem?
Our financial situation is okay, but I really don’t like living paycheck-to-paycheck. This month is really tough, so I’ve tried to cut out any extra spending to make sure nothing is paid late. Financial stuff always stresses me out more than anything else. We can pull ourselves out of this and it will get better because we are learning as we go. This lull is only temporary.
My parents are moving quite literally 100 ft from where they currently are, but that does not make helping them move again any easier. I own almost three acres of land. My fiancé and I live in the middle of the land, my sister will remain in the Northeast corner and my parents are moving to the Southeast corner. We are all within shouting distance of each other but now have our own places. Hopefully with this move, everyone will have that certain amount of independence they need yet should anything happen we are all right here to help out. But, this will be the 5th move in 4 years for my family! I think we are all tired of moving furniture around but (fingers-crossed) this will hopefully be the last move for a while.
Work…I have this love-hate relationship with being a mechanical engineer. In college, I loved the hands-on experience, working in the machine shop, working with robots, etc. I love building stuff, I love trial-and-error projects, and I love puzzles. A lot of my loves do fit into being an engineer, but it’s kind of hard to see any of that when you are behind a desk staring at the computer all day long. I’ll do a material take-off, send it to purchasing for a material quote, get it back and forward to another engineer for labor pricing, and then I get everything back and write up a quote to send to the customer. And, I do it all over again – different project, different customer, same routine. If a quote comes back as a job, then things can get interesting. I’ll run calculations to verify our quote, draw up the tank/vessel and send both off to customer for approval. Here begins the process of revisions which can either be very smooth…or multiple revisions, tons of back and forth communication (explaining why we can’t do that because that f@#%ing square will not fit in that round opening or why this has to look like this because it’s what you said you wanted in the quoting phase!), and lots of waiting later, we can finally start cutting material to start fabrication. Then, I’ll get a call from the guys in the back, “You didn’t cut out this circle piece that’s shown on the drawing.” “Have you looked at cut sketch #2?”…”Oh, there it is!” …yep. Now, I know I’m not perfect and have made my share of mistakes or forgotten something, but you just scared the sh!t out of me because you didn’t look at the sketches I sent. Oh well, at least mistakes like not looking properly are always good for a laugh after the fact.
R—town Band (local community band) – I’ve always been in music. I started out on piano for almost 3 years, then I joined band in middle school and I’ve continued playing to this day with the longest gap being about 2 years. Including the gap, that’s 15 years of playing the clarinet. Am I particularly good at that? Not really. I’d say I might be just ahead of the average, but believe me when I say there are a TON of people out there who make me look like I only just learned how to hold the damn instrument let alone where to put my fingers and produce sound. So, why do I keep going back especially if lack of confidence in my ability to play stresses me out? It’s because of the people. I get to see old friends and meet new people. We are from all walks of life. In school, that meant you could be a jock, emo, geek, athlete, or someone who wasn’t part of any group. You could be shy, outgoing, happy, depressed, serious, or humorous. Hell, you could even be blind (yep, we marched a blind person on field and in parades) or missing a limb (one of our trumpet players only had one arm)! Today, in our community band, we have engineers, professors, school teachers, post office staff, housewives, college students, retirees, etc. So what’s your point? The point is…when you walk through those doors, you become a band member. It doesn’t matter where you came from or how you got here. You are not alone, you are one of us. Now, don’t get me wrong. You, an individual instrument, can produce beautiful music alone, but when a group of various instruments come together, amazing things happen.
No, this isn’t my band, it is actually Ohio State Marching Band. I watch this and feel an amazing amount of pride in my fellow band members because I know what it takes to put on a show like this.
The band community reminds me of a mostly vanilla version of the spanko community. We are from all walks of life and we accept each other. …Also, (laughing) most Tops could pull off playing in the percussion line – the gong, the bass drums, or the bongos.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand, how did we get to the bottom of the problem and balance the emotional turmoil I’ve been feeling? Well, my fiancé decided I needed to change my perspective which is most easily accomplished by going OTK and enjoying the upside down view for a while. Then when I got up, everything was right-side up again! Viola! See how easy that was? If only!
Actually, it was only slightly more complicated than that (sarcasm). After two evenings full of two different wooden paddles (yep, both the 1/2″ thk. and the 3/4″ thk.) and one leather double strap, I finally feel mostly right-side up again. On Wednesday evening, I got around 45 with the 1/2″ paddle, 15+ with the 3/4″ paddle, and who knows how many with the strap. Apparently, I can’t count well in my head while being spanked – I’m just too busy trying the accept and let go. Did it hurt? Most definitely and I did feel a bit better afterward and was a little sore on Thursday morning. But, it didn’t take long for my mood to plummet again. Granted, I blamed a very tiny portion of that on my fiancé. After receiving my first set of 9 with the 3/4″ he asked, “Why do you look so depressed? You know your mood affects my mood.”
I answered, “Yes, and your mood affects mine because you started it!”
To which he replied, “Well, I’ll finish it.” And so he did after much more paddling and strapping. It was intense and I’m still not sure if I wanted him to stop, but I gave up control and when he decided to stop, I felt relaxed and sleepy.
This morning, I woke up in a much better mood and a bit more sore than yesterday, but I didn’t have the urge to go right back to bed. I’ve also had a good day at work even without all the usual work day buzzwords. 🙂
Edit: My day just got even better! The wonderful Erica Scott is the reason my stats are on the rise! Thank you very much for the shout-out, Erica! You’ve helped make my day!♥