The wonders of lurking…

I’ve been aimlessly wandering through blogland recently. I’ll click on a link, usually through Bonnie’s MBS blog, and read about someone else’s experiences. I might stick around for a few minutes reading recent posts and then I’ll click on the next one and repeat the process. So, what am I doing? What am I looking for? I guess I’m just trying to gain perspective. I want to see what might or what might not be working for other couples in TTWD. I’m looking for things I might want to discuss, but maybe most of all…I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not alone in how I think, how I feel, and what I want.

I’m finding that not only do a lot of us share this desire to be spanked, but we also share a lot of other things that come with TTWD. We have the same relationship caveats, the same fears, doubts, and confusion regarding roles and expectations. I see the lulls in relationships where nothing happens and the highs where everything is perfect. I see the fear and doubt bubble up into an overwhelming sense of being lost when things are confusing – am I doing something wrong? is it enough? maybe I’m expecting too much?

Each person feels at fault when things don’t go as expected, when you both aren’t on the same page. It’s amazing that the feelings are the same whether you are the Top or the bottom – only the perspective is different. It’s all there – fear, doubt, loss of self-confidence, not being enough, general confusion. It seems that relationships in TTWD are indeed stronger and more open, but with the extreme highs, we can also experience extreme lows. It all sounds like a terrifying roller coaster of trust. So, the questions are…what do you want? Can we compromise when we don’t agree? Is it worth it?

How will you know any of those answers if you don’t communicate?

I know it’s easier said than done. I’m not writing/typing this for all of you because I magically know all the answers. I’m actually talking about this for me because I don’t have all the answers. I still don’t know what exactly it is that I want, I’m not sure what it is that I need, and I have no idea what the difference is between what I want vs. what I need or how to communicate any of it effectively.

It all works so seamlessly in my fantasies, but even I’m not the same person in my fantasies as I am in reality. Role playing doesn’t work for me because I have never been able to act like someone I’m not. I’m not the college student with bad behavior problems, I’m not the secretary who makes an abundance of typos, and I’m not the naughty wife who pays bills late or flirts with random guys. Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I know I am far from being perfect.

At home, I can think things to death before coming up with an answer. I am the type of person who will drop everything to help someone else. I lack self-confidence in many things I do. I’m shy about what I want and unsure about what I need. I fear the unknown and too much change makes me nervous. At work, it’s another story. I project confidence and do what’s needed to get the job done. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll ask someone. If they don’t know, then I’ll research and discuss any issues with the customer.

How can I be these two very different people? I don’t even know when the switch occurs. When I get home, the change isn’t immediate, but it definitely leaves me feeling lost and confused. I just don’t know what to expect.

Am I submissive? I know I act like I am, but it really depends on the situation. Do I want him to be the only one in control? Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I want to have fun. Sometimes I want to be punished (for what I have no clue). Mostly I want him to know what I want and to be able to give it to me.

About Jay

I am an independent, levelheaded young woman who enjoys being spanked.

Posted on July 30, 2014, in Acceptance, Communication, Life, Wanting It All and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I think it's very common to have a home and work personality. It's practically a necessity, and it's one of the many reasons why I couldn't cut it working in an office; I couldn't switch back and forth and put on a professional front. What I felt was what people saw, and it wasn't always so put together. But you do it because you have to, and you have the strength to do so. When you get home and the front is no longer necessary, the feelings probably pour back in full force because they've been stifled all day.

    It sounds to me like you're struggling to label yourself a particular way, when in reality, we are a blend of many things. And our needs vary according to who we are from day to day.

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  2. Erica – You're right…when the home personality finally takes over, I'm overwhelmed as all the feelings rush in, and at that point I just want someone else to tell me what to do and to take care of me. But, what's really confusing me is that I have NEVER felt that way before. This is foreign to me. I've always had everything planned out. I know what I want to get done and when/how to get it done. I have always been in control. Why is it any different now? It's not like we've made a conscious decision to slip into some predefined roles. Yet somehow, that's what's happened on my end which is why I feel so freaking confused. I have a shirt that says, “I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here.” Funny that I bought that shirt about ten years ago, but it is totally how I feel right now.

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  3. Funny, I was wandering around, clicked on a link at MBS, and found myself here!

    I do think that there is something comforting about seeing that other people have their ups and downs too. It's always a nice feeling to discover that others share in many of the same experiences and feelings.

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  4. lil – I'm glad you stopped by! Yes, it is definitely comforting to know that we are not completely alone in our experiences and feelings especially during the down times.

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  5. Jay I used to have the same personality spilt. When I was working (out now due to health issues) I was the boss. Now that we've committed to DD I want Jordan to control more and more and set boundries. It sometimes feels like its never enough:/

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  6. Lilyanna, yes, and I don't like feeling that I need more because it sometimes makes my fiancé feel like he's not enough when that isn't it at all. He does try but he is new to all of this so I know he doesn't really understand it yet.

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