Author Archives: Jay
It seems I’ve come down with a sinus infection and a severe inner ear infection (very painful) so I’m taking a break from my storytelling to let everyone know that Livia Grant’s Protecting It All was released last Saturday.
This is the fourth book in the Passion Series. This book focuses on bringing Brianna’s ex-boyfriend Jake Davenport to justice. We saw how he terrorized Brianna physically and how he could scare the hell out of Tiffany emotionally without even touching her. Now, we dive into his House of Pain and get to see Lukus and his security team at Titan Security rally to take Davenport down. Can they get him before he has the chance to hurt anyone else we care about?
This is a fictional story continued from last week’s post.
My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can’t help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home…not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.
I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to…because you are right – I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt – my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.
In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.
Those moments where I can’t look at you…aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me…because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now…why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.
I have no doubt that I will be that person again…maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.
You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing…only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?
You often ask me what’s wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don’t want to sound like I’m always nagging and complaining. I don’t want you to get defensive. I don’t want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don’t like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don’t think we can control others…you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.
I don’t want to look back with regret and say, “That’s the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That’s the day we found us again. That’s when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”
I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don’t feel like it, I don’t know, or I’m afraid.”
So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do…I’ll type up a blog entry, then you’ll read it and we’ll talk about it.
From the corner, I call out, “Honey?”
“May I go publish a blog post? I think it’ll help me gather my thoughts.”
After a pause, “Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories.”
As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. “Before you go, why don’t you bend over so I can make sure you’re sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type.”
Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.
He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.
The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.
…to be continued.
Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I’m feeling.
I used to write stories of events that actually haven’t happened outside of my head. These were usually stories of things that I might have liked to have happened…for instance, if I wanted a conversation to go a certain way between Tom and myself, then I would make up a dialogue and scene to go with it. After reading it, Tom would understand where I’m coming from a little better and then we could have a conversation about it. This is one of those stories.
“Come with me.” Your expression tells me I shouldn’t argue, and you hold out your hand expectantly.
I’m not exactly sure what to think. Slowly, I reach out and you take my hand. You turn and you pull me toward our bedroom. You take me to the bench at the end of our bed and sit down before pulling me over your lap. Lots of emotions are running through my head – anxiety, excitement, slight confusion, and yes, even a little fear.
You rest your left hand on my waist and your other hand starts caressing my bottom. “I think it’s time for a change. You haven’t had quality time over my knee in a while, so I’m going to change that.”
“Umm…” You pop my bottom hard three times, but they don’t really make much of an impression as my jeans are still on.
“All I want to hear from you right now is, ‘Yes, Sir.’”
“Yes, Sir,” I reply quietly.
“Stand up for a minute.” You unbuckle my belt and undo the button on my jeans. Then, you slide them down to my ankles and tip me back over.
You start spanking in a light and playful manner at first. A couple of minutes go by before you say, “I know you miss this.” I nod even though it wasn’t a question. “Lift up a bit, My Love.” He slides my panties down and massages my cheeks. “You aren’t even pink, yet. Let’s try to fix that.”
You start spanking again but harder this time. Another minute or two passes.
“You don’t blog or talk about this as much anymore. Why do you think that is?”
I just shrug my shoulders. The next volley comes hard and fast from your strong hand. “Yes, you do know.”
You pause to grab something behind you. I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling that I’m about to find out. Smack! “Oh!” It’s definitely made of wood.
Smack! “I think you’re afraid, but I’m just not sure what you are afraid of… Are you afraid of me?”
Smack “No! Ow!”
Smack! “Then, what are you afraid of?”
Smack! “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.” You pause and I can tell you are wondering if you are hurting me now.
Rubbing my lower back, you ask, “Does that mean you don’t trust me anymore? That you don’t trust me not to hurt you?”
“I do trust you…I just feel that it’s been so long since we’ve played that maybe my pain tolerance isn’t what it was and you may not remember that I’ll need a warm up. Also, I don’t always want to put any expectations on either of us when it comes to playing. And, I really don’t know how to tell you exactly what I want when I’m not sure myself.”
You start rubbing my bottom again which is starting to feel really good. “I guess it’s just become easier to not say anything whether it’s online, in a journal, or when we’re talking. I know I don’t want this to become repetitive to where either of us get bored….and I don’t want it to always be predictable.”
“Like this?” My rear is met with a quick few swats.
“Mhm… Sometimes I would like a spanking to be for fun or be more serious or be for naughty reasons. Sometimes I’d like more of a warm-up and/or more aftercare.” You throw in three hard and fast swats for each cheek.
“Guilt! Guilt is another reason. I feel guilty for wanting all of this in the first place. I know it isn’t easy for you. I think about spanking a lot and see lots of opportunities for it, but I know you mainly associate it with love making. I don’t want to burden you with something that I think I want…it’s not a need after all.”
You pause again, “Do you like giving blow jobs?”
“You know I told you that I used to hate giving them.”
“But you give me head and do it quite well for someone who can’t stand it. Why do you do that for me?”
“Because I love you and because I know you enjoy it.” You pick up the brush or paddle, again. “Oh! Ouch!”
“Exactly, so what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you and for the same reasons?”
“Yikes! Because… I know I’m not worth the effort!” My eyes start watering.
“That’s it. Stand up and look at me.” With tears in my eyes, I slowly look up at you. You hold my face in your hands as you look back at me. “I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself.” You pull me in close for a firm hug that makes me feel protected.
“I want you to spend a few minutes in the corner in the hallway by our bedroom door. Put your hands behind your back holding your elbows, feet apart, and forehead against the corner. I’m going to fix the bed and then I’ll come get you. I am sorry that this year has been so rough on us and especially on you. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be here to love, cherish, and protect you forever and always. Use this time to think about what I’ve said.”
“Yes, Sir,” as I turn to obey, he smacks my retreating rear.
…to be continued.
I’m really not sure why it is so difficult to sit down and come up with a post these days. This time last year I was posting about once a week. How can I go from once a week to once a month or less?
Honestly, I think it’s become difficult to share things…to open up. I don’t want to complain about things because it sounds like I’m nagging. I also don’t want to make a huge deal out of good things because …maybe, I’m just afraid that they won’t happen again if I mention it a lot. So, I end up not saying or sharing anything.
Where’s the middle ground?
Why have I pulled away from blogging?
I do think about it at least once a week, but it’s like I’m afraid to jump back in. (sigh) I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record. Sometimes I’ll read some of my older posts and think, “I still feel that way,” or “that hasn’t changed.” Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost something…like I’m missing a good friend that’s moved away.
I don’t know how to talk about it because I don’t know what it is.
I sound really bummed out, but actually things are going pretty well right now. Work isn’t bad…a little busy at the moment, but I think I can handle it. Our families seem to be doing well or at least getting better. I think Tom and I are going to try to hang out more with one of my old friends and her boy friend. We got together a couple of weeks ago for her birthday and had a good time. I think we will plan another date night in a week or so.
I’ve started reading Livia Grant’s the Passion Series again…I really don’t know what it is about this series. I feel so connected to it, so emotionally involved, that the characters just come to life for me. The next book in the series will hopefully be released soon. I know I can’t wait!
This post sounds ridiculously random to me, so I think I’ll stop here and get some sleep.
It’s that time of year again where we want to reach out to our readers and invite them to leave a comment to let us bloggers know you are out there!
I honestly thought I’d missed the event. I quite literally hopped out of the shower and came straight to the computer to check. I know I haven’t been around much lately and I see that I may have lost a lot of lurkers over the last year, but I do want to thank all of you for stopping by when you could!
Comments from people like you really do provide a lot of support and encouragement for those of us who blog. It helps to know we are not alone no matter where we are in life. So please, take a moment and drop a line in the comment box below. 🙂
Wow…it’s been three months since my last post. I guess I sort of ended up taking a break from blogging. I even dropped off from lurking for a while too. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be back yet, but I decided to take the first step and post something again.
I feel like I’ve been pretty busy at work lately. They are reorganizing and giving some people new titles. I am now a Project Engineer and Mechanical Engineer…fancy title I suppose. On December 1st, I will have been with the company for four years…and I still don’t have any confidence in my abilities, nor do I have the desire to go above and beyond. I do feel that I have at least gotten better in the last few weeks and the days don’t seem as long anymore.
At home, we have set a goal. We are working on cleaning our house up in time for Thanksgiving. One of my best friends has a birthday at the end of the month, so I’m planning a day for the four of us (her boyfriend and Tom included). I think we’ll go see the final Hunger Games movie on the 22nd of Nov. and then come home for dinner. Then, we can play cards or darts. Tom and I haven’t played darts in forever. During the summer, it is too hot in the game room and I don’t want to cut on the little portable AC because I want to save money…not to mention, we need to clean out the room so we can actually move in there. We have already cleaned what used to be the boys’ room and his daughter’s room. I started on our room a few days ago, so we are definitely making progress.
Because of the events from earlier this year (written about on this blog), we are still dealing with legal proceedings. These things always put a damper on my mood when they come around. It is a scary unknown…something that can still affect our future. I know we will be dealing with it for some time to come but it doesn’t make it any easier or less scary.
Tom and I are still working on us. Some times I still feel that he chooses other people over us…over me. I’ve even felt like I’ve been replaced by guy friends. He tells me that isn’t true. I guess a lot of it is that I’m still dealing with feelings from what happened before. It’s not easy to turn back time and take it all away. He is also still dealing with his feelings and so he and I will both react poorly to situations. It is tough – I can’t deny that. But, we are moving forward together.
In other news, I haven’t been spanked in a while. It’s not his fault. It’s actually all my fault. I’m usually too tired when it comes down to it. Even now, my eyes are slowly closing as I type this and the time change hasn’t made me want to stay awake either. Today, I was really missing it…but I don’t want any expectations from it. I’m not sure what I want. …maybe just a good, progressive spanking and that’s it. …maybe have sex or not…maybe talk or not…maybe cry or not. I don’t know if I’d even be very interactive, and right now, I’m just really sleepy. I want it…but I think it’ll be too much effort. I also don’t want to feel bad for not reacting like I usually do. I just want to be…if that makes any sense at all. (sigh)
The weekend before last, Tom and I decided to spend some time with Tom’s step-family. We drove for about 3.5 hours to meet up with his step-sister and step-mom to camp for the night near a river. We paid for a site at a nearby campground with a bathroom – that’s the only thing I can’t seem to give up, LOL. While they started cooking hamburgers, sausages, and vegetables over the campfire, we walked along the river’s edge and then came back. Dinner turned out great and we ended up eating way too much. Tom started to get tired, so we headed off to our campsite to pitch our tent and set up the cots. That night wasn’t too bad, but neither of us liked sleeping on separate cots so next time we will have to find our air bed.
We woke up before my alarm and started packing up so we could meet the others for breakfast at their site. Then, we met up with Tom’s step-brothers to rent kayaks and set out on the river. I had only ever been white water rafting before, so I was nervous at first because I know I wouldn’t want to take a kayak into white water rapids but Tom told me we would be fine. He even let me rent a tandem kayak so I wouldn’t be afraid. He was definitely right – we had a calm float down the river. We stopped a few times to get out and swim. We even tipped over once and almost got knocked out by a tree that had recently fallen…or rather I would have been knocked out and he probably would have been fine. 😛 My poor guy did end up losing his hat and his sun glasses when we fell out, though. The kayaking company picked us up at some point down river and took us back to our cars where we all said farewell and headed back home.
This small outdoor adventure went really well. I made sure to use a lot of sunscreen and bug spray so I didn’t get burned or eaten alive. The only downside was that we saw a ton of spiders, but luckily they left us alone.
Kayaking was a lot of fun, but it actually made me miss white water rafting. I think next time Tom’s step-sister and I will plan that kind of trip for next time!
OH, I almost forgot! When we parked to rent the kayaks, we saw a sign that looked a lot like this.
I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.
The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.
Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.
It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)
This is from a post I started on June 26th but never got around to finishing…
The last five days have been pretty busy. Tom’s brother and his family are in the process of moving back to the city because he got a job that starts this Thursday. The lights at their current place were turned off on Friday so everyone temporarily moved into our house again. We spent all weekend taking loads of stuff to a storage building close to where they will be. Today is their last day with us before we take one last load that way. Hopefully, they will be able to work things out for the better. Tom’s daughter is probably going to spend a couple of nights with them.
We did end up getting Wednesday to Saturday alone. Tom and I went to a local festival and enjoyed browsing the different vendor tables. On Sunday, we spent time outside while I put together one of those swinging loveseat things and Tom put a temporary carport together that we will eventually reinforce, both of these are for my mom so she was pretty happy. This was actually a lot of fun for me because I like putting stuff together!
I have been so exhausted lately. I don’t think I’m getting any less sleep, but I wake up tired. Maybe it’s because we have been driving an hour away often in the last couple of weeks to help with the move and it’s really starting to wear me down.
I’ve also taken to playing solitaire on my phone a lot. I used to spend my extra time browsing blogs, writing posts, or reading…now I seem to be sticking to a mindless game in my down time. I like it because it requires just enough thought that my mind feels occupied but not stressing about anything.
This coming weekend we are planning to go through half of my mom’s storage shed. Apparently, the roof has been leaking and about 1/3 of the boxes have gotten soaked so I need to see what is salveagable and what needs to be tossed. I am hoping to have some fun going through it…it’ll suck to throw things out, but maybe we’ll find some cool stuff!
In other news, I think I seem to be going through a phase. I know I created this blog to share my life – my story, my experiences, my journey – and a lot my posts have revolved around spanking. My recent posts don’t really talk about it much anymore and I feel I owe my readers a small explanation since many of you enjoy reading about it. It’s not that I don’t think about it or that I don’t get spanked anymore. It’s just not as high up on my priority list at the moment. I definitely still think about it and I have definitely had some feel-good spanking sessions followed by some really hot, mind-blowing sex with the love of my life.
I think I’d like to start exercising. The last time I exercised consistently was while I was in college taking a karate course. Now, four years later, I am about 40 pounds over what I’d like to weigh. I’m just not sure how to make it routine…and I would like to do it with Tom. I don’t like running, but I do or used to enjoy walking, skating, biking, and swimming. This sitting behind a desk all day sucks. I don’t have my bike or skates anymore and swimming is $140/month. I think because I can’t decide what I want to do, I end not doing anything at all which is horribly circular thinking. And, these 95-105 degree days are not helping my motivation any. (sigh) I would like for Tom to help motivate me…but I’m not really sure how exactly I want him to do that. LOL.
And this concludes my post of randomness.
Well, it’s been a while. Let’s see…we took a mini-vacation the weekend before last. We enjoyed visiting the other side of Tom’s family – his step-mom, step-sister, and two step-brothers. It was good to catch up and relax. Tom and I were able to spend some time together on the long drive and wandering around a flea market.
My mom’s birthday was last Saturday. I bought her a new sink faucet with a pull-out sprayer. I managed to completely uninstall the old one and install the new one with one trip to Lowe’s and with a little guidance from Tom. I was pretty proud of myself and am happy to report that so far nothing is leaking! 🙂
This weekend, we are going to pick up Tom’s daughter for her summer visit. She will be here for a little over a month which will be her longest visit so far. We will need to plan a couple of trips to the movies and see what else there is to do around here that’ll be fun for a sixteen year-old. We live in a small town, so we’ll have to be creative.
I guess that about sums up the last three weeks.