Category Archives: Acceptance
This is a fictional story continued from last week’s post.
My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can’t help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home…not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.
I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to…because you are right – I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt – my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.
In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.
Those moments where I can’t look at you…aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me…because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now…why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.
I have no doubt that I will be that person again…maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.
You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing…only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?
You often ask me what’s wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don’t want to sound like I’m always nagging and complaining. I don’t want you to get defensive. I don’t want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don’t like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don’t think we can control others…you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.
I don’t want to look back with regret and say, “That’s the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That’s the day we found us again. That’s when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”
I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don’t feel like it, I don’t know, or I’m afraid.”
So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do…I’ll type up a blog entry, then you’ll read it and we’ll talk about it.
From the corner, I call out, “Honey?”
“May I go publish a blog post? I think it’ll help me gather my thoughts.”
After a pause, “Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories.”
As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. “Before you go, why don’t you bend over so I can make sure you’re sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type.”
Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.
He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.
The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.
…to be continued.
Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I’m feeling.
I used to write stories of events that actually haven’t happened outside of my head. These were usually stories of things that I might have liked to have happened…for instance, if I wanted a conversation to go a certain way between Tom and myself, then I would make up a dialogue and scene to go with it. After reading it, Tom would understand where I’m coming from a little better and then we could have a conversation about it. This is one of those stories.
“Come with me.” Your expression tells me I shouldn’t argue, and you hold out your hand expectantly.
I’m not exactly sure what to think. Slowly, I reach out and you take my hand. You turn and you pull me toward our bedroom. You take me to the bench at the end of our bed and sit down before pulling me over your lap. Lots of emotions are running through my head – anxiety, excitement, slight confusion, and yes, even a little fear.
You rest your left hand on my waist and your other hand starts caressing my bottom. “I think it’s time for a change. You haven’t had quality time over my knee in a while, so I’m going to change that.”
“Umm…” You pop my bottom hard three times, but they don’t really make much of an impression as my jeans are still on.
“All I want to hear from you right now is, ‘Yes, Sir.’”
“Yes, Sir,” I reply quietly.
“Stand up for a minute.” You unbuckle my belt and undo the button on my jeans. Then, you slide them down to my ankles and tip me back over.
You start spanking in a light and playful manner at first. A couple of minutes go by before you say, “I know you miss this.” I nod even though it wasn’t a question. “Lift up a bit, My Love.” He slides my panties down and massages my cheeks. “You aren’t even pink, yet. Let’s try to fix that.”
You start spanking again but harder this time. Another minute or two passes.
“You don’t blog or talk about this as much anymore. Why do you think that is?”
I just shrug my shoulders. The next volley comes hard and fast from your strong hand. “Yes, you do know.”
You pause to grab something behind you. I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling that I’m about to find out. Smack! “Oh!” It’s definitely made of wood.
Smack! “I think you’re afraid, but I’m just not sure what you are afraid of… Are you afraid of me?”
Smack “No! Ow!”
Smack! “Then, what are you afraid of?”
Smack! “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.” You pause and I can tell you are wondering if you are hurting me now.
Rubbing my lower back, you ask, “Does that mean you don’t trust me anymore? That you don’t trust me not to hurt you?”
“I do trust you…I just feel that it’s been so long since we’ve played that maybe my pain tolerance isn’t what it was and you may not remember that I’ll need a warm up. Also, I don’t always want to put any expectations on either of us when it comes to playing. And, I really don’t know how to tell you exactly what I want when I’m not sure myself.”
You start rubbing my bottom again which is starting to feel really good. “I guess it’s just become easier to not say anything whether it’s online, in a journal, or when we’re talking. I know I don’t want this to become repetitive to where either of us get bored….and I don’t want it to always be predictable.”
“Like this?” My rear is met with a quick few swats.
“Mhm… Sometimes I would like a spanking to be for fun or be more serious or be for naughty reasons. Sometimes I’d like more of a warm-up and/or more aftercare.” You throw in three hard and fast swats for each cheek.
“Guilt! Guilt is another reason. I feel guilty for wanting all of this in the first place. I know it isn’t easy for you. I think about spanking a lot and see lots of opportunities for it, but I know you mainly associate it with love making. I don’t want to burden you with something that I think I want…it’s not a need after all.”
You pause again, “Do you like giving blow jobs?”
“You know I told you that I used to hate giving them.”
“But you give me head and do it quite well for someone who can’t stand it. Why do you do that for me?”
“Because I love you and because I know you enjoy it.” You pick up the brush or paddle, again. “Oh! Ouch!”
“Exactly, so what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you and for the same reasons?”
“Yikes! Because… I know I’m not worth the effort!” My eyes start watering.
“That’s it. Stand up and look at me.” With tears in my eyes, I slowly look up at you. You hold my face in your hands as you look back at me. “I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself.” You pull me in close for a firm hug that makes me feel protected.
“I want you to spend a few minutes in the corner in the hallway by our bedroom door. Put your hands behind your back holding your elbows, feet apart, and forehead against the corner. I’m going to fix the bed and then I’ll come get you. I am sorry that this year has been so rough on us and especially on you. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be here to love, cherish, and protect you forever and always. Use this time to think about what I’ve said.”
“Yes, Sir,” as I turn to obey, he smacks my retreating rear.
…to be continued.
I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.
The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.
Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.
It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)
I am afraid…
that I was/am not enough.
that I have failed.
that I won’t be able to help.
I am afraid…
of being lied to again.
of being hurt emotionally.
of losing him and not being able to do anything about it.
A few months ago, he told me I was being co-dependent. I’m sure we were arguing at the time, but he also told me I was being too needy, too clingy, and that I wanted too much. In hindsight, I think he was just trying to alleviate his guilt and make me feel bad. It definitely made me feel bad, but was what he said true? Sure, we all experience some minor co-dependent behaviors. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel good when they give someone a gift and the receiver lights up like it was best present ever. Also, in hindsight, I now understand what was going on outside of the argument. He was trying to juggle his time among his brother, getting high, and me. I had started to feel like he was choosing his brothers over me when that was only partially true. They were all busy trying not to feel the death of their father by getting high. In doing so, they spent lots of time together both day and night. There were many nights that I went to bed alone, even on nights when we had sex. He may or may not have joined me hours later. I don’t think I ever thought that I was truly losing him, but I did feel like he was pulling away from me. Sex was beginning to feel like a moment of elation followed by a lonely crash. I missed him. I started to feel like the only time he was there emotionally was when we were having sex or when we were both crying because I finally broke down and tried to explain what I was feeling.
I think that on some level most of us experience co-dependent behaviors when we are trying to get to and are in a submissive mindset. The desire to please, attuned to what he wants, feeling self-conscious, and any guilty feelings if something goes awry. All of these feelings are normal. However, when I started feeling like I had moved down on the list of his priorities, when I started feeling like I was the only one taking care of the boys, when I found out he was lying to me, when I thought he no longer wanted to spend time with me, and when I believed what I said and felt no longer mattered,…then all of those co-dependent tendencies intensified.
Then came the feelings of helplessness, anger, fear, and hurt. My self-worth had taken a hit. I felt guilty that I had turned a blind eye towards the signs. I felt that my heart and trust had taken a major blow.
Even though I recognize the signs of co-dependency, I don’t believe that I am truly co-dependent because I can function on my own, and when I am aware of what is going on I do not obsess about where he is or what he’s doing. Yes, I do enjoy spending time with him and doing things together, but there are some things that I don’t jump all into because they aren’t my thing. For instance, he likes playing with audio speakers – I don’t mind messing with them for a while but I tend to get bored with it so I’ll do something else in the same room. A lot of the time when I do feel needy and clingy, it’s because I don’t want to lose him, and honestly what do you expect after what we’ve been through?
I know that what happened wasn’t my fault, but I hate how powerless I feel. When I choose to let go of control when we play or have sex, it’s because I feel safe, cared for, and I trust him. But feeling powerless when it comes to an addiction is absolutely terrifying. I hate feeling like I’m not enough, like I’m going to lose him. I hate watching him walk out of the door because I don’t know if he’s coming back and not because he doesn’t want to come home, but because he won’t be able to.
He has been sober for almost 7 weeks, and I am very proud of him. Even though drinking isn’t the problem, he started going to AA meetings this week and it is helping him gain perspective and let’s him remember he isn’t alone in his addiction. I am considering attending an Al-anon meeting, but I’m afraid it’ll be full of stories of abuse and people trying to let go and back off of their loved ones for their own safety or for tough love. My story isn’t one of abuse and trying to get out. I want to stay and support him. I want him to see what he has right in front of him. I realize I have no control over what someone else does, but how do you deal with it when what he does affects you? Step back? Stop caring? Don’t get upset? In my mind if I pull the focus from him, then all I am doing is learning to live without him. How does that help us?
Honestly, I believe that he won’t do it again, and I know he feels terrible about what he did. In addition to the legal issues that are still looming, he also lost his job on March 24th. We mostly finished one of his side jobs but we are still waiting on payment – the guy owes us $2,400. His second side job has gone over the original estimated one week of work by two weeks due to rain and working by himself. He also reduced his quote because he was concerned he wouldn’t get work, but when you do the math…that means he is making significantly less than minimum wage because of gas (job location is an hour out) and time lost. He has made some headway with things around the house – fixed lawnmower, fixed weedeater, built lean-to for dad, finished most of the siding work on a large shed, fixed leak in roof, etc. There are still things on the list that even I get overwhelmed thinking about it all. We have things that we can sell, but even they need to be fixed first – two vehicles and a camper.
Today, he went to quote a job and apply for a job. I definitely do not want him to get depressed or lose hope. I want him to get better, deal with the past, and learn how to cope. I am feeling the emotions of the past in triggered spurts, but I need to work on figuring out how to let it go and overcome the fear. It is hard when an action or a word reminds me or makes me question. He is doing very well at letting me know his plans for the day and calling me if things change or he is going to be late. Those simple things help alleviate so much stress, worry, and fear. I do trust him…but trusting without fear will have to come back in time. I hope you understand that I am not afraid of him nor am I afraid that he will do anything to purposely hurt me in any way. I am not afraid of relapse but I am afraid he will be taken from me because of a relapse.
Posting is so hard these days. I want to share what I’m feeling, because I need to get it out and not avoid my own emotions. I also hope that maybe others will have their own story to share even if it’s anonymously.
I’m sorry this isn’t a spanking related post. Erotic spankings definitely still occur and are thoroughly enjoyable, but this post is just about life and what’s on my mind right now.
Please feel free to leave comments (anonymously or not) about your experiences with addictions, AA or Al-anon meetings, other group meetings, or just general support. Every little bit helps and maybe you’ll even be helping someone else who wanders on to this post.
I’ve been aimlessly wandering through blogland recently. I’ll click on a link, usually through Bonnie’s MBS blog, and read about someone else’s experiences. I might stick around for a few minutes reading recent posts and then I’ll click on the next one and repeat the process. So, what am I doing? What am I looking for? I guess I’m just trying to gain perspective. I want to see what might or what might not be working for other couples in TTWD. I’m looking for things I might want to discuss, but maybe most of all…I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not alone in how I think, how I feel, and what I want.
I’m finding that not only do a lot of us share this desire to be spanked, but we also share a lot of other things that come with TTWD. We have the same relationship caveats, the same fears, doubts, and confusion regarding roles and expectations. I see the lulls in relationships where nothing happens and the highs where everything is perfect. I see the fear and doubt bubble up into an overwhelming sense of being lost when things are confusing – am I doing something wrong? is it enough? maybe I’m expecting too much?
Each person feels at fault when things don’t go as expected, when you both aren’t on the same page. It’s amazing that the feelings are the same whether you are the Top or the bottom – only the perspective is different. It’s all there – fear, doubt, loss of self-confidence, not being enough, general confusion. It seems that relationships in TTWD are indeed stronger and more open, but with the extreme highs, we can also experience extreme lows. It all sounds like a terrifying roller coaster of trust. So, the questions are…what do you want? Can we compromise when we don’t agree? Is it worth it?
How will you know any of those answers if you don’t communicate?
I know it’s easier said than done. I’m not writing/typing this for all of you because I magically know all the answers. I’m actually talking about this for me because I don’t have all the answers. I still don’t know what exactly it is that I want, I’m not sure what it is that I need, and I have no idea what the difference is between what I want vs. what I need or how to communicate any of it effectively.
It all works so seamlessly in my fantasies, but even I’m not the same person in my fantasies as I am in reality. Role playing doesn’t work for me because I have never been able to act like someone I’m not. I’m not the college student with bad behavior problems, I’m not the secretary who makes an abundance of typos, and I’m not the naughty wife who pays bills late or flirts with random guys. Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I know I am far from being perfect.
At home, I can think things to death before coming up with an answer. I am the type of person who will drop everything to help someone else. I lack self-confidence in many things I do. I’m shy about what I want and unsure about what I need. I fear the unknown and too much change makes me nervous. At work, it’s another story. I project confidence and do what’s needed to get the job done. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll ask someone. If they don’t know, then I’ll research and discuss any issues with the customer.
How can I be these two very different people? I don’t even know when the switch occurs. When I get home, the change isn’t immediate, but it definitely leaves me feeling lost and confused. I just don’t know what to expect.
Am I submissive? I know I act like I am, but it really depends on the situation. Do I want him to be the only one in control? Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I want to have fun. Sometimes I want to be punished (for what I have no clue). Mostly I want him to know what I want and to be able to give it to me.
Here are a few things I’ve observed about relationships.
- Communication is number one. You must have open communication for any relationship to work. You have to be willing to discuss expectations, goals, wants, needs, desires, limits, etc. Not only must you be willing to talk, but you must also be willing to listen. You have to be willing to understand what is being said, take time to think about it, and then formulate a response. Communication is the key. If you find it difficult to talk, then collect your thoughts and try writing letters or sending e-mails. You’ve now used the key and opened the door. If you are receiving these notes, then take time to read them, think about them beforehand, and then walk through the open door of communication together.
- Mutual acceptance is a part of any relationship. That doesn’t mean the person you are today will be the same person you are tomorrow – that we won’t learn, change, and grow. What it does mean is that you need to talk to each other about each other. No one is perfect. If we were all perfect, this world would be awfully boring. Take the time to learn about each other. Talk about your experiences and share your dreams. Discuss your fears and share your fantasies. When things change, talk some more. Communicating with each other leads to understanding and acceptance.
- In any relationship, it is inevitable to have both big and small expectations. Unfortunately, when your expectations are not met, no matter how small, you can be dreadfully disappointed. Does that mean you should lower the bar? That depends…did you ever actually communicate your expectations? How on earth do you expect to meet them together if only one of you understands the expectations? And, what’s worse is you feel like the other person isn’t trying or doesn’t care at all when that’s probably not the case. The number one reason people fail to meet expectations is because they were never aware of what was expected in the first place! Both parties should communicate his/her expectations and openly discuss how they are going to meet them together. This won’t cure all disappointment, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.
- You, Me, Us – Until now, you’ve done your thing and I’ve done my thing. Now we’re together, what should change and what should not? Maybe both of you start doing everything together, maybe both of you want to keep things independent. However, the only way you’re going to find out how to move forward in a relationship is through communication. I want to have a girls’ night and you want to have a guys’ night, but on this night we always have our night. Also keep in mind major decisions need to be made together – it isn’t just about you or me anymore; it’s about us.
- The relationship isn’t new anymore. In the beginning, he would send flowers to your office and you would buy him his favorite video game. He would call you during the day just to tell you he loves you, and you would drop by his work to bring him lunch. Now, it’s been months since he’s bought you a card and the last thing you picked up for him was a pair of odor-eaters for his work boots. Do you even remember when you last went out to dinner together? But don’t be disappointed, just remember to step back and take a moment to smell the roses and make time for each other. It’s not that you don’t love each other anymore; it’s that life has a tendency to get in the way from time to time. Try something new together and enjoy each other’s company.
- My Fantasy vs. Our Reality – Trying to live out a fantasy is a lot like trying to meet an expectation. You must communicate what you want and how you want it. Discuss limits and what might happen if something goes awry. Be prepared that in reality things might not go exactly as what you planned from your fantasy. When (not if) the need arises, pause and talk. It’s also important to not be judgmental as this may be new to both of you and you are therefore both vulnerable to criticism. Accept that although things may vary between fantasy and reality, you can still have a great time as long as you keep that open line of communication.
- Respect and trust are requirements (at least for me) especially in intimate relationships. You must be willing and able to respect and trust each other, only then can you be truly open with each other. Even when you don’t agree, both should be respectful of the other’s opinions. If you don’t respect each other enough to listen, then all you are doing is breaking trust. If limits are set, they must be observed so that both people feel safe. When a person submits/turns over control in any way, he/she is vulnerable – he/she trusts you to respect the boundaries that you both have established.
- A relationship is a journey you travel together, so have fun making the most of it.
-- Just so everyone is on the same page. A majority of the dialogue from the following story has come directly from discussions my fiancé and I have had, however, the actual scene and how it plays out with spanking involved has not happened. Maybe it will eventually and I really hope it does. At the moment, we still have a couple of guests so we aren't back to normal just yet. --
With a sigh, I slump down on the couch. I'm feeling restless. I want to get up and do something, but then again, I don't feel like doing anything at all. I turn on the TV and start channel surfing hoping to find something, anything to distract me. Alas, over a 150 channels and nothing has even remotely piqued my interest, so I just randomly pick a channel. I stare at whatever is playing but I'm no longer paying attention. I drag myself off the couch and decide to start a load of laundry and do the dishes...I might as well be constructive while I mope.
When I'm done with the dishes, I return to the couch feeling just as restless as I had earlier. At that moment, I hear the love of my life open the door. As he rounds the corner into the living room, I quickly put on a smile after all he's not why I'm in a mood and I am happy to see him. He returns the smile and asks, "How was your day?"
I reply, "Mm, all right I guess." I mean nothing unusual happened. It was just a normal day, except for this depressing cloud that seems to hovering around my head. "What about your day?"
He sets his paperwork down on the countertop and joins me on the couch. He starts to show me photos on his phone of the progress he is making at his current remodeling job. After a few moments, it becomes apparent to him that I seem distracted. He asks, "What's the matter?"
With a shrug, I reply, "I don't know. Just feeling restless...and depressed."
"Not a clue," I sigh. It's just the same old worries and fears but a different day. Why bother mentioning it again?
He looks at me carefully and says, "You cannot look this gloomy and not know what's wrong." Jokingly, he adds, "Don't lie to me."
Suddenly defensive, I argue, "I'm not lying to you." Then, knowing full well what I'm about to do, I scathingly add, "If I knew, I'd damn well tell you!"
As soon as I shut my mouth, guilt (from lashing out) and doubt (from being unsure if I really wanted to go where this was inevitably heading) join the mix of emotions running through my head. I used to just not say anything at all and keep everything inside, but that would lead to me shutting down and not talking about it ever. Now, I find myself reacting verbally first without thinking so that we can try to deal with things (attitude and all) in the moment. Why can't I just talk?
I look away and try to calm down while he watches me. He can see I'm frustrated and upset. His demeanor changes. He takes control of the situation. "Before we let this conversation turn into another pointless argument, I think I owe you a long and thorough spanking."
Long and thorough? I figured on a spanking for my current attitude, but somehow I don't think we're on the same page. I voice my confusion, "What for?"
"For what we talked about the other day after our last disagreement and what you have blogged about a few times. You have repeatedly mentioned a fear of rejection and a fear that I'll just get up and leave. I've decided to start handling those concerns right now. I intend to do my best to make you realize that 1) I will not reject you and 2) I'm not going anywhere. I've tried telling you, but that just doesn't seem to get through to you."
My heart starts pounding. After a pause and no response from me, he adds, "Bring me the spanking buddy and the hairbrush."
I hesitate. He says, "I would hurry up if I were you. Otherwise, I'll go get them and I'll add the big wooden paddle to the list."
I get up from the couch and head to the bedroom to retrieve the items. I feel a slight excitement knowing what's in store. Even though I am hurrying, it takes a moment to find what I'm looking for since we haven't really decided on one place to put everything. From the other room, I hear, "Since it's taking so long, bring the shorter cane, too."
I quickly find everything and return to the living room.
He stands up, takes the implements from me, and places them on the couch. His eyes find mine and after a moment, he pulls me into a hug. "I love you with all my heart."
Squeezing my arms around him, I whisper back, "I love you with all my heart, too."
He pulls out of the hug and sits down on the couch. "Time to lose the jeans."
I pull my jeans down and stand closer to him. Reaching out, he takes my hand and kisses it. Then, he guides me facedown over his lap. He rubs my bottom and tells me to turn my head so he can see my face. I close my eyes and turn my head. He asks me, "Why do you close your eyes?"
After thinking about it, I answer truthfully, "Because I'm hiding."
"Are you hiding from me?"
"What are you hiding from?"
Thinking - from being depressed and vulnerable, from fear and guilt, from doubt and pain, from you and me. Damn, here we go again...why am I so fucking weak?! Eyes still shut, I let out an exasperated sigh and answer, "Everything."
"OK, let's see if I can find you." He starts spanking me with his hand. Slowly and gently, he works his way all over my bottom. It feels good and doesn't hurt yet. I appreciate he decided to start like this. After a couple of minutes, he pauses to rub and then pulls down my panties. The hand spanking resumes and he builds up the intensity over the next few minutes, warming me up nicely.
He decides it's time for the spanking buddy. The first smack is definitely more intense than his hand alone. He mixes slow, deliberate smacks with a few in quick succession. He continues for a while evenly darkening the pink hue of my rearend. He pauses to ask, "How do you feel?"
"Warm..." Spanking harder - Smack, smack, smack, smack.
I know your backside is warm and we certainly aren't done yet. (smack) I meant do you feel how much I love you? Are you beginning to realize that I love you no matter what? Do you understand that I want you to always be able to talk to me? I accept you for who you are."
I don't reply. He pulls off the spanking buddy and picks up the hairbrush. He smacks each cheek a few times to get my attention before asking, "Are you listening to me?" and follows up with two more each.
Stubbornly, I remain silent. So he just steps it up with a flurry of three here then three there and repeat. I start wiggling and I gasp, "Yes, Sir!"
"Good." He finds a steady, but intense rythm and begins talking while spanking. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. You push me to be a better person without even trying. I see how much you love me in the little things you do every day. Why would you ever think that I'm going to just leave and not come back?" My eyes start to water.
"Ouch! I don't know! Ow!" He pauses. "I guess I thought you would just get tired of me one day. That you would decide I was too clingy or too needy or that my parents are too involved in my life for you to handle. That I wouldn't be worth the work involved to keep our relationship strong." I start crying.
He begins spanking again, "You are worth the sun, the moon, and all the stars combined. You are the best thing that's ever happend to me. Also, how could I ever reject someone who is so beautiful inside and out? You are the most giving person I have ever met." I start crying harder.
He pauses to rub my back and bottom, "Let it go, Baby, because, like it or not, I'm not going anywhere." I manage to chuckle a little even through my tears.
He tosses the hairbrush aside and picks up the cane. "I'm going to end with 'my nine' using the cane." I nod and he begins to work his way slowly through the nine from the top of my bottom down to my sit spots adjusting the intensity based on my reactions and making sure it hurts but isn't too much. I can't count so he has to tell me, "That was nine, Honey. Come here." He rubs my bottom while he holds me close. I feel safe.
When my breathing returns to normal, I slowly look up at him. After wiping away what's left of the tears on my face, his eyes find mine and he whispers, "I found you."
Sound familiar? How often do these words actually mean what they say? Why do these phrases seem to be the default answers when we are upset? Come on, I know I’m not the only one who attempts to use them as quick copouts to avoid revealing the answer. Isn’t it just easier to say one of the automatic responses than expose our emotions, our vulnerability, or how needy we really are underneath the facade? Hurry, flip the autopilot switch before you reach the point of no return and fall to pieces!
So, what could be the real answer to “What’s wrong?” or “What’s the matter?”
A possible answer could be something insignificant like I forgot something on the grocery list. OK, so in this instance, I just feel ridiculous for forgetting whatever it was especially if it was on the list and after spending a crazy amount of time in the store. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that I’m embarrassed; however, this could also be the final straw that broke the camel’s back.
Or, it could be that I simply had a rough day at work. My days can vary. One day I could be managing/programming the company’s internal webpage which is not even remotely related to mechanical engineering, but I do enjoy it. The next day I could be working on two quotes and taking care of two jobs (calculations, drawings, paperwork, etc.). Some days just make me feel frazzled because customers are calling in, things are due, and of course everyone else is out of the office! I know I should learn to step back and breathe. Believe me, I used to be a lot worse when it came to work-related stress. Even though I’ve learned how to let some things go, I can still have my rough days.
It could also be more complex like someone saying something and because of a combination of the way it was said and how I took it, now I feel very insecure and hurt. Maybe it’s one scenario or maybe it’s just adding one more thing to the list of things that could be bugging me. Suddenly, all those annoying little things, which might have been manageable individually, are now wrecking havoc in my head.
So, how could this play out in conversation and how could you get passed the brick wall that has been erected in an attempt to save yourself from possible rejection? The dialogue of the automated response conversation can happen any number of ways. Here’s one version that might help me.
At the end of one of those long days…
Me: (you and I make eye contact and I look away quickly, eyes beginning to water) Maybe he won’t notice. After all, I’m fine, right?
Him: (with concern) Honey, what’s wrong?
Me: (on the verge of tears – the dam won’t hold for long) I shake my head as if to say, “Nothing,” but don’t utter a word.
Him: Baby, I can see it all over your face. Now, what’s the matter?
Me: (a tear travels silently down my cheek) He actually cares about me – I can hear it in his voice. I can’t hide because he can see right through me. Breaking down, I reply, “I don’t know!” (insecurities kick in) It doesn’t matter. He’s just going to think I’m being foolish. My heart feels heavy. Why can’t I be strong enough? Why am I so needy? I feel so childish, raw, and vulnerable. What happened to the strong, independent woman? Damn, I guess I left her at work.
Me, cont.: (glancing up at him, mind buzzing with irrational, fear-induced rambling – no, not fear of him or anything he’ll do, but fear of rejection and fear of not being worth the trouble) Please don’t leave me! I need you…to be my rock, to pick up the pieces, to take control for a little while. (He hasn’t moved yet. He’s just patiently watching me.)
Him: (His hand reaches out to caress my face.) Do you need a spanking?
Me: (not looking at him) I nod.
Him: Sweetheart, come here. I’ve got you. Let me take care of you. (He reaches for my hand and gently pulls me facedown over his lap.) It’s OK. I’m here. (His hand caresses my bottom.) This isn’t a punishment – it’s because I love you and I want to help you. We will deal with this together.
Me: (whispered) I love you, too.
With his hand and maybe some implements, he slowly tears down the wall, watches me relax, and whispers sweet encouragement. He is there to pick up the pieces. When it’s over, I’ll feel loved, cared for, protected, and cherished. Maybe now, we can talk about what was bothering me, significant or not. I no longer fear being rejected. For the time being, the weight of the world is no longer resting on my shoulders. Soon, I’ll be able to stand strong and take on the world again.
Q: But wait, did you ever answer? What was such a big deal?
A: (shrugs with a shy smile) I don’t know…maybe I just needed to cry…
Please bear with me while I follow this line of Q&A-type thinking. This is more or less a conversation between the love of my life and myself that we actually haven’t had. No, I’m not crazy…or maybe no crazier than the next person, and if we’re both/all crazy, then I consider myself in excellent company. 🙂 Also, I apologize in advance for foregoing some things, like quotation marks and such.
What do you want?
That is a question I have heard fairly often. Simple enough, right? What do you want to eat, what do you want to do, what do you want out of life? Apparently, I am a pretty indecisive person because most of the time I just don’t know the answers to any of that. My response is usually in the form of an indifferent, indecisive shrug of the shoulders and a glance at the floor. Let me guess – it looks like I don’t care, right? So of course, you feel frustrated, confused, impatient?
Now, you may think I’m purposefully being unhelpful or defiant in not answering. Perhaps I’m just being a woman or maybe it’s my time of the month? But how do you think I really feel when I can’t provide you with an answer? Embarrassed, shy, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, vulnerable. Okay, so I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers in life.
Let’s try narrowing the topic…what do you want out of being spanked? Is that specific enough for you, Jay? Can you answer that?
What? Why are we still talking about me?
Aha! And, that is the root of our problem. You clam up when we try to talk about what you want/desire/need. Why is it so hard for you to talk about the real you? What’s the matter?
I don’t know.
All right then, what do you know?
I know I like walking in the park, going to the movies, and playing video games. I know I’m in love with you, and I know I trust you. I know I enjoy thinking about being spanked, writing about being spanked, and actually being spanked.
What do I want out of being spanked? I want to hand over control to you. I do not want to make any decisions. I do not want to think. I want to let go. I want you to love me and take care of me when I am weak and vulnerable. I want to be accepted as I am, flaws and all. I want to release, to cry if the need arises. Sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I don’t. I want to be held and comforted. I want to feel that you’ve got me and be reassured that you aren’t going anywhere. I want to feel like I’m worthwhile.
What do I want out of life? I don’t want to be rich, but I’d like to live comfortably. I don’t want to forget to pause and enjoy the moment every once in a while. I want us to always be open with each other. I want us to not only be lovers but also best friends. I want to experience life together and grow old with you, hand-in-hand.
What do I want to do? I want to do a lot of things, however, time and money are not always on my side.
What do I want to eat? A chicken strip combo from Bojangle’s (too bad the nearest one is 276 miles away)
So, what do I want? I want it all. Is that too much to ask? Maybe now you know why I’m so indecisive.
Heck, even in my mind, I sound too needy. Am I being too hard on myself? How do I know if I’m worth it? You’d swear that I had parents, an ex, or some crazy event that royally messed with my self-image, but I didn’t…this is all me.
Just to clarify again. My fiancé and I haven’t actually had this conversation to this extent and we are doing just fine. 🙂 He did ask the initial question the other day and so it’s taken me a while to think about it. Unfortunately, I’ve done all the communicating in my own head, but never fear, my love will read this and I’m sure we will talk about it soon.
In the mean time, feel free to comment and/or provide your own answer to any of the questions presented in this post.
When you think of acceptance, usually what comes to mind is the act of either being accepted by others or you accepting others who may or may not be different from yourself.
Suddenly I’m not sure if I’ve made the right choice. A wave of fear washes over me and I’m about to get up and tell him to forget about the whole thing when his hand moves to my back, pushing gently but firmly and keeping me in position over his knee.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you.”
It should be illegal to have a voice that sexy. That was my first thought on meeting Mr Matthew Holder four and a half years ago. Actually that’s a lie, my first thought was ‘What an arrogant, pompous ass!’. To be fair to him I had arrived in the middle of a rant against the state of British tennis, a sore topic for a man who once dreamed of Grand Slam finals. I later discovered him to be one of the humblest, kindest men I’ve ever met and the love of my life, a far cry from my first impression but at least I was right about the voice.
I still can’t quite believe my luck. It’s hard to comprehend how I, indecisive, disorganised and ever so slightly loopy, managed to ensnare this beautiful man, but I guess the world works in mysterious ways. Two and half years into marriage and I’m still crazy in love with him, to the point where it’s almost embarassing and as far I can tell he feels the same about me. Wonders will never cease.
However, there is one rotten apple in our basket of bliss.
The sex is ok. Just ok.
Now, I know you can’t have everything in life but I just don’t understand it. It’s not like he’s awful or inexperienced or anything and he usually makes sure that I cum, but it’s like something’s missing. It’s almost as though he’s holding himself back. If I’m honest so am I but I’d hoped that I would be able to please him without needing to express the part of me that I try so hard to pretend doesn’t even exist. I love him too much to risk losing him because of something stupid like a fantasy.
That used to be my mantra anyway. I don’t really know how I got to this point, I think the champagne cocktails Matt kept ordering for me last night may have had something to do with it. It was my birthday and he took me out on the town to celebrate, stating that I deserved a bit of glamour and fun. There was plenty of both up until the moment he started asking about my fantasies. I’d been sober every other time we’d had this conversation and I’d managed to fob him off with some creative bullshit about candles and rose petals. I thought I’d convinced him until I saw the look in his eyes, clear as day even through my champagne induced haze. He was using my inebriation to get his own way and if I hadn’t been so impressed by his plotting I might have been angry.
As it was I simply assured him that I knew his game and that no matter how drunk he got me I wasn’t going to tell him anything about the spanking thing.
Yes, bring me all your secrets everybody, I’m unbreakable. Except when a little tipsy and confused, in which instance I crack like an egg. So much for my pride.
I don’t really remember much about the rest of the night, but I do know that, unfortunately, it wasn’t a dream. After a long morning in bed recovering and lots of tea and nurofen, Matt brought up my drunken confession. I tried to brush it of as a joke but he just stared me down and eventually I quietened.
“It’s ok. Look at me. Do I look like someone who’s freaking out because his wife’s confessed she’s a little kinky?”
I rolled my eyes but then couldn’t resist sneaking a peak at him. He actually looked radiant, can you say that about men? He looked calm and excited all at once and in a split second it occurred to me that this might turn out to be a good thing. A moment later my self doubt was back but I felt brave enough to at least talk about it and maybe even be a little honest.
“No, but you’re so nice you would probably be ok with anything I said and I couldn’t bear it if you did something just because you thought I would like it” I was proud at how mature I sounded and expected him to be blown away by my clear thinking logic and selflessness.
“Ok, first of all what the hell is wrong with wanting to do something just because it would make my wife happy, and secondly, how do you know you’d be the only one enjoying it?”
Pardon the cliche, but my jaw literally fell open.
His eyes twinkled knowingly at my reaction but he carried on regardless. “How do you know it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping you’d say? You have to stop making assumptions about me and what I think, you know me pretty well but sometimes you can hit completely off the mark.”
My mind was so thrown by this new development that self-censure went out the proverbial window, “You mean you want to spank me?!”, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted him to say yes or no. Luckily I didn’t have too much time to ponder.
“And much more besides.”
Well, this was a turn up for the books!
After even more tea and a long, agonisingly frank discussion about the finer details of our mutual desires and fantasies, I suddenly found myself bent over Matt’s knee with my knickers round my ankles and my arse naked and exposed. I was a little shocked at how simultaneously embarassed and turned on I was, I didn’t know whether to laugh or start humping his leg, but in the end I just lay there, waiting to see what would happen next.
As I waited my mind went into overdrive. Would he regret this afterwards? Would I regret it? How much would it hurt? Was I just being ridiculous, did I really want to be spanked for God’s sake, I wasn’t a child! Would he know when to stop? Would I want him to?
I was suddenly overwhelmed by all my fears and doubts and I went to stand up. It wasn’t too late, we could still brush the whole thing off and get back to our happy, normal, safe life and everything would be ok.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you.”
While still the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard (bar perhaps Johnny Depp) there was a strength and confidence in it that I would have sworn wasn’t there before and somehow it did feel ok. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I trusted him with my heart, but the warmth and comfort coming from his hand on my back, the hard, solid feel of his legs beneath my body and the calm assurance and control in his voice gave me the courage to trust him with my body and maybe even with my soul.
My acceptance must have shown itself in the release of tension in my body as Matt reacted as though I’d spoken my thoughts out loud.
“Well done, you know I’ve got you. Just relax and open yourself up to me. I promise I won’t go further than you can take, you just have to trust me.”
“I do trust you”
“Good, now I’m going to start slowly and build up so be prepared. You may cry out if you need to and in fact I want you to, I don’t want you to try and hide your emotions, ok?”
“I want you to think of a word and if you really want me to stop for any reason I want you to say it. You will be punished if you use it prematurely but equally you will be punished if you don’t say it when you should. Do you understand?”
“I understand.”, I had no idea what he meant by ‘punished’ but my pussy was certainly intrigued and I couldn’t stop the frisson of excitement his words caused from making me shiver with desire. I forced my mind back to the serious issue of a safe word. I’d read about such things but had never really believed that I’d ever have to come up with one myself. I knew it had to be memorable and completely innocuous so as not to be misunderstood, but I also wanted it to be meaningful and unique to us.
It was almost too obvious but I knew he would get the double meaning.
There was a pause in which my heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest, and then I felt the palm of his hand make contact with my ass for the first time. It was surprisingly real. I’m not entirely sure what I’d imagined but somehow the difference between fantasy and reality is the physicality of it, every sense alive with excitement and expectancy.
As promised he build up the spanks steadily, increasing the speed and intensity until I was gasping with every hit. It didn’t hurt exactly, at least not at first. It more like an overload of sensation, and the intimacy of the moment almost overwhelmed me. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable that I was surprised to realise that I was close to using my safe word. I had assumed that it would be the pain that would be my weakness, but I enjoyed the physical sensations of the spankings. The emotions it brought up in me were much harder to take.
As it went on the feelings of self doubt and fear seemed to bubble up inside me and I couldn’t keep them down. I was shaking as the spanks got harder and harder. I welcomed the pain but I feared the emotions, I daren’t let them free or he would see it all and that would be too much to bear. So I kept my mouth shut and tried my hardest to fight it, to fight the serenity of release that was beckoning me. I had wanted this for so long but now I was here I couldn’t do it. I hadn’t understood how much it would cost me or how much I would risk and I wished I could take it all back.
I fought and fought and fought until I had nothing left to give and I broke. If I could have spoken I would have said my safe word, but I couldn’t get my mouth to work. There was nothing left for me to do except to wait for the rejection that I knew would come.
Through all of my inner turmoil the spanks continued and now that I’d stopped fighting it I embraced the rhythm, the steady beat of his hand on my arse. I let myself sink into it and I found a peace that I’m not sure I’d ever felt before. I seemed to float on a sea of sensation and I allowed myself a moment of calm before the inevitable storm.
Suddenly it stopped. It took me a second to realise that something had changed. Keeping me on his lap Matt tilted my head up towards him, allowing my body to shift round slightly. I tried to avoid his eyes, unwilling to share this one last part of myself. As usual though his patience won out and I couldn’t resist looking up at him. I have never felt so exposed, so known. I waited for the blow, the cutting remark or mocking word that would slice through my heart like a knife, not knowing how I would ever recover from this and swearing never to drink again, I clearly needed to be sober to keep myself safe.
“I love you.”
What? I must have looked confused as Matt chuckled gently. “Why is it always so hard for you to believe? I’d think you had a hard childhood but your parents are wonderful and I know they always told you they loved you.”
“Do you know what, I thinks it’s because you don’t love yourself.”
“What? What are you talking about?” love myself, what on earth did he mean? I’m not arrogant, I know my own failings.
“You don’t think anyone could see you, really see you, see into your very soul, see you at your must vulnerable, when you hate yourself the most and still love you. But I do. I see you, all of you and I love it. I love you.”
I’m not usually good at emotional moments, I do my best to diffuse them with humour, but looking up at him from his lap, his hand resting comfortingly on my bare ass, I just couldn’t do it.
My voice broke as I replied, “Thank you, thank you so much. I love you too. And I’m sorry.” Suddenly all the emotion that I couldn’t release during the spanking broke free and Matt pulled me up into his arms, holding me close. I felt exposed, and vulnerable and known and my ass was going to be sore for a few days but I was loved and that made it all ok. I held on tighter as I imagined what my life would be like if I hadn’t met him, and I sobbed into his chest.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you.”
And he did, he had all of me, for as long as he wanted.