Category Archives: Life
First, I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to leave a comment and provide support. Believe me, it helps and means a lot to know that you all are out there reading, sympathizing, and providing emotional and spiritual support where you can. I am not alone. We are not alone.
I’m still kind of at a loss as to what I want to share and talk about. I’ll think about sitting down and starting a post, but I’ll start to think about everything that happened before and what’s going on now. Then, I’ll decide I don’t want to deal with thinking too much so I’ll stop and won’t even begin the post. I don’t want to shutdown and honestly I don’t feel like I am totally withdrawn because I am talking to Tom. I am asking questions about the past and trying to better understand what’s happened. I am afraid of what we can’t control about the future, but I have this sense of hope and I feel like everything will work out. If I didn’t have that hope, then I think I would probably fall to pieces and not be able to function. I know that what we can control of the future looks pretty damn bright to me, so I want so desperately for things to just please work out. It doesn’t even have to be the easiest way possible…all I am asking for is to find a road in the right direction.
I took Tom to the doctor last week so that we could get a recommendation on a counselor because I really believe that he needs to work through issues from childhood, grieve for his father, and find a way to cope with the rougher days of ADHD. Then, we can also focus on our relationship together.
This week, I’m trying to find out if Tom’s medical insurance accepts the recommended counselor and set up the first appointment. So far, I think that this one may be out of network which means we might have to try someone else if we can’t afford it.
Last night, Tom asked me why I haven’t posted anything and wondered if I had given up on blogging. I told him I haven’t given up but that I didn’t know what to say or what to share. He knows that normally I would write about recent spankings, but I haven’t done that in a while…not that there haven’t been recent spankings around here. I got spanked for both my birthday on the 31st and his birthday on the 13th. I’ve also been spanked for fun and had few 3-lick consequences come my way. The desire to write is there, but the will and motivation to get started is not.
Yesterday, I really wanted a long, sound spanking but since I didn’t know how I wanted it or for what reason I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about it until we were cuddling after we had tried something new to me.
(NOTE: Anal play ahead…if it’s not your cup o’ tea, then skip the next four paragraphs.)
He said early on that he wanted to help give me something to write about, so he decided to pull out a few implements and our Ziploc bag of anal plugs of various sizes. This wasn’t totally out of the ordinary and we have used the two smallest plugs before so I wasn’t really worried. He started out spanking me while I pleasured him orally. It’s strange how I used to hate giving blow jobs, but I actually do not mind giving Tom pleasure in that way and he certainly enjoys them.
As my level of sexual excitement increased, he picked up the lube and inserted the second to smallest plug. Since it didn’t bother me at all, he switched it for the next size up which also slid in without much resistance. Because we hadn’t tried this size before, he let me get used to it before pumping it in and out. He then asked if I was ready for the next one. I think on a normal day I probably would have told him no, but for some reason, I offered no resistance. I wanted to trust him completely again, so I let go of control. He picked up the largest one and very slowly eased it in place. This one felt a bit uncomfortable, but I was willing myself to get used to it and it helped when he admitted to me that he was actually smaller around than this one. He made me even more aroused by spanking me a few times as he played with it. Then, he pulled it out and slid a condom on while I grabbed my vibrator.
I placed the vibrator against my clit, put my ass in the air and laid my head on the bed. He lubed up and very gently eased his cock into my ass. I was rather surprised (and relieved, LOL) when his hips made contact with my butt. After a few moments, he started to slowly pull out and push back in. The sensations were definitely different. With the help of my vibrator, it didn’t take long before I was close to an orgasm. Tom ramped up to a hard and fast pace and we were both thrown over the edge into orgasmic bliss.
It took us both a few minutes to recover and roll off the bed to clean up. He asked me what I thought about it and I said that I had enjoyed it, but definitely would not want to do it very often. It is still very much awkward, although I do like the smallest plugs.
When we got back into bed, I finally mentioned that I would like to get a longer spanking. I can’t remember if I tried to explain it much, but after thinking about it more I believe I know what I’m looking for now. I’m wanting the intimacy of being over his knee. I want to be reassured as my bottom is warmed with his hand. I want to feel cherished as the leather kisses my cheeks. I want to cry and start letting go of the stress as the paddle smacks away the pain from the past. I want to feel relief and calm down as he holds me close because, after all we’ve been through, I am his.
I know I am asking a lot and I know everything won’t magically be better, but it’s a start.
Sorry, all. I realize this post seems very disjointed (or at least it does to me), but I’m glad to finally have a post put together enough to publish.
For two weeks, I have been stuck. I haven’t known what to say or do. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share what was going on, but I’ve needed support and didn’t know how to ask for it. My trust had been broken. I’m not talking about an affair or abuse. I’m talking about how someone else’s choice of a coping mechanism turned into an addiction, into poor decisions, into taking risks that were never worth the possibility of losing everything.
I am and have been broken, terrified, sad, lost, angry, upset, hurt…and yet still a glimmer of hope exists. Belief that trust can be rebuilt exists. Love beyond measure still exists.
On March 24th, I had the rug pulled out from under my feet. I knew something wasn’t right and hadn’t been right for a while. Things between us had been going downhill fast since his dad passed away back in September. I couldn’t figure out why. We started arguing more. He was spending less time with the kids that we were taking care of, so I had to step up with the cleaning, homework, food, etc. He was spending less time with me and more time with his brothers when they were here. He would be up all night with them. When they weren’t here, he started working more and stay up late by himself. We started arguing more…about the kids, the money, and his brothers.
I never could place my finger on it. I just knew it got worse when other people were here. I tried to talk about it and explain to him what I saw or what I thought was happening, but it was easy to make excuses. He hadn’t talked to his brothers in thirteen years. Their dad had just died. We had kids who weren’t ours to raise. They are family.
…but in the mean time, we didn’t invite my family down from 150-200 feet away. Why? Because my parents are nosy and I didn’t want them to notice that anything was wrong. I didn’t want them to judge Tom and his family too harshly. But, they were starting to notice things from afar. They could look down from their home and see that lights were on all through the night. They could see that the brothers were up a lot and sleeping at odd hours. Despite what I said, they could tell Tom was pulling away from me just from the amount he worked or the amount of time it looked like they were all awake at night.
On the 24th, he got his rude awakening – his wake up call. Right now, I hope beyond hope that we can overcome the legal issues that have arisen, in whatever way they turn out. Against all odds, I see a silver lining through my tears. I finally see the man I fell in love with again – the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. All this time, I was lost, but so was he.
We both know this cannot be fixed overnight. It took the course of six months to get to where we are. Six months of being kept in the dark, of secrets, and of lies. It is going to take a lot to earn back trust. I was hurt because I thought he was getting tired of me. I felt guilty because I thought I was being selfish. I was angry because I thought he wasn’t listening. I felt like he was just pushing me away and I couldn’t figure out why I was losing him.
Now, I worry that this might happen again. I feel guilty because I feel I could have done more to notice the signs earlier or prevent it from occurring. I’m angry because I feel like he let this happen. I feel like he took a risk and could have lost everything. Was it worth it? Was it worth the pain that I know he could see in my eyes? Was it worth allowing me to believe it was me?
Among my turmoil of emotions, I also feel an odd sense of strength. I feel vindicated that I knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure what and that I had been right in knowing his judgement had been altered. I knew that it couldn’t all be me. I know that I am not a selfish person.
For some reason, I feel it is worth to note what I was thinking the moment I got the phone call that yanked the rug out from under me. Stupid things crossed my mind…like “but my birthday is next week and yours is two weeks later, but we just bought the wedding ring, but we’re supposed to get married in December, but I just paid the bill, but we haven’t even had a vacation alone together, but we are finally alone again in our house, but what if I want to have a baby,” and it goes on…right down to the question of, “was it worth it?”
I do believe addiction is a disease, but I also believe that you have an initial choice that you are in control of and what you choose is entirely up to you. What are you willing to risk, and ultimately, is it worth it?
Despite all that has happened, I have also experienced periods of being wonderfully happy again in the last two weeks. We’ve worked together putting flooring down in a house. We went on a picnic. We’ve watched movies together. I’ve even been spanked a few times for fun.
I do not want you to judge Tom because I have not shared everything with you. You do not know about his past or all of the circumstances. I do know about his past and I can sympathize with the situation because hindsight is 20/20. That does not mean I agree with everything that has happened, and I am certainly feeling all kinds of emotions that I need to deal with. He absolutely needed the rude awakening. He is ashamed and has regret for what he has put us through…what he has put me through. He is human and he made a mistake that snowballed out of control. He realizes he should have been honest from the beginning and has agreed to certain rules that we must live by in order for me to begin trusting again. We have to help each other through this because neither of us is ready to throw in the towel and walk away.
We have a long and difficult road ahead of us and unfortunately it will probably be peppered with events where we cannot be sure of the outcome nor how it will affect our future, but…we will try to do everything we can to make the best of it.
Two weeks ago, I felt light-hearted and hopeful.
Last week, I felt the weight of the world.
I can’t explain it, but it was definitely hard to get and stay out of bed. I want to say I feel a little lost…like I’ve wandered into a fog and have lost my sense of direction, not in a spiritual sense…more in an emotional sense.
This week, I don’t have any answers yet, but I am cautiously optimistic. Also, I do have some questions for you, dear readers, and I hope you will take a moment to answer them either in a comment here or on your own blog. If you choose to write your own post, please leave a comment and let me know where to look.
- What made you happy when you were younger?
- What makes you happy now?
- What do you think will make you happy in the future?
- Do any of these answers change if you get married? If you have children?
You do not have to, but please respond with your age or the age range in which you fall…(18-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 60+). I would like to see how our answers vary with respect to where we are in age. I understand that maturity and experience can vary with the individual, but I wanted to see if there were any noticeable patterns.
I was never one of those normal girls who spent most of her childhood dreaming of her wedding day. I definitely never spent any time browsing through wedding rings or looking through wedding dress catalogues. And now, that the time has come to start doing all those things I wasn’t sure where to start, but I’ve decided that the easiest thing to do would be to try to tackle one thing at a time. So, the first thing to get mostly taken care of is the wedding ring set.
On Friday, we went to an in-store event at Kay Jewelers to browse their travelling Dana Augustine selection of settings. We brought my mother’s wedding ring set because there was a good chance that if I found what I wanted, then the heart-shaped center diamond could be moved into a new setting and given back within a couple of hours of paying for the ring. The same sales ladies that were there last time came over to help us look for rings similar to the photos in my last post. Of course, there weren’t any exactly like those, so I started to look for a ring that fell under my general requirements and go from there.
I wanted simple yet elegant. Something with a smooth look and feel. I definitely did not want too many prongs to worry about snagging on things or getting knocked open…I am a mechanical engineer after all. Luckily, it didn’t take long for me to find something that had the style I wanted, but there weren’t any that had sapphires. The sales ladies then mentioned that maybe I should think about keeping the white diamond look for the main ring and using the alternating sapphires and white diamonds for the band. That way the main ring would always match whatever I was wearing whereas there is always a chance that a gemstone could clash with other jewelry and attire.
While I was looking at the setting, I decided they were probably right. I held the old ring next to the new ring to try to visualize what it would look like after we moved the center diamond over. I kept thinking that this was the one. The setting was even already in my size. The gemologist asked if she could pop out the heart and clean it up since I told her it had been in storage for about 20 years. She came back a couple of minutes later and all of us were amazed at how beautiful it was. Tom and I were both mesmerized by how it sparkled.
After about 1.5 hours of searching and talking, I finally decided that this was the setting I wanted. We paid for the ring and they told us it would be ready in two hours, so Tom and I went shopping at a few other stores while we waited.
At around 6:30 pm, we got a call that the ring was waiting for us. We returned to the store and the saleswoman handed me the box. I opened it and was simply amazed. I pulled it out of the box and tried it on. Tom said, “Wow, it looks amazing.”
This picture focuses on the heart.
This one focuses more on the channel set diamonds.
In the end, we decided that we will buy the secondary/wedding band that will alternate blue sapphires and white diamonds to complete the wedding set so that I can still have my favorite color whenever I want to wear it, but we are going to wait for a couple of months for when the Dana Augestine collection comes back around. I’m very happy and excited about all of it!
We are going back to the jewelry store today for a diamond event to meet with someone who might be able to put together a wedding ring very quickly if they happen to have the pieces to what I’d like. I have a heart center diamond from my mom’s wedding set, so I just need a setting and accents. Fingers crossed, this may go very smoothly and ridiculously fast…otherwise, it’ll be the normal lengthy process.
While I was browsing the internet for ring ideas, I came across three designs that I really liked. The first one I found many years ago.
I like the white gold one. It has little holes cut out on the sides in the shape of hearts which I thought were really cute.
The second wedding set is really pretty.
I like the way it looks and it seems like it has a low profile and is sturdy. I definitely don’t want something that’ll catch on things or will break easily.
My favorite color is blue, so I love the sapphires. It is simple yet elegant and I really like the smooth style. I only want to add a secondary band with a channel set that matches so that it looks more like a wedding set.
We had a misunderstanding that spiraled into ridiculousness yesterday, but we did talk about how to avoid or at least talk it through next time.
It all started because we each took something I said differently. He saw it his way and I saw it mine, but at the time neither of us was willing to even explore the possibility that we might have just misunderstood and that maybe what we saw wasn’t really what the other person felt or saw. I know I’m being vague.
We stayed in the kitchen and started arguing without much regard for how the other was feeling. Eventually, we did end up in the bedroom and after a brief interruption (his brother came back inside with a question about a car stereo), we had both calmed down enough to say this is what I meant versus this is what I saw. We were also able to each see it from the other’s point of view which allowed us to see where the other person was coming from in the thought process.
Upon reflection, we discussed how we might be able to avoid the messy, hurtful part in between the misunderstanding and the calm disucssion. From now on, we will try to take the other’s hand and walk to the bedroom to talk about it out of earshot of anyone who might be around and that way we can calmly work through the misunderstanding.
I also admitted to him that I have an unnecessary fear of speaking in public which includes anyone who is not in my very small circle of immediate family and friends. This does not mean that I failed technical presentations and royally suck at speaking in front of an audience. On the contrary, I actually do pretty well, but I am a nervous wreck beforehand. I worry about making a fool of myself and being embarrassed – which is exactly what happened when I attempted to switch gears while I was thinking and talking all at the same time. So, because people think I’m relatively intelligent, calm, collected, and confident, when I do accidentally stumble over my words and attempt to laugh it off, I sometimes come across as though I intentionally said something inappropriate. This is probably the number one reason why I am very quiet and reserved when someone first meets me. It takes a lot to make me feel comfortable enough to know that who I’m with will not make me feel any less if I embarrass myself. It’s the same reason it takes me FOREVER to write a comment or an e-mail to someone. I worry about how someone will take what I say. I worry about spelling and grammar. In all, it can be damned stressful for me when it shouldn’t be, but the end result – the speech, e-mail, post, or comment – usually comes out pretty well and I can be proud of what I said or wrote.
Anyway, the point is we did communicate and will hopefully do better when it comes to handling misunderstandings in the future. We live and we learn. 🙂
It rained and got really cold as the day progressed yesterday. I was at work and as it continued to rain, I started thinking about after work. With it being so wet, Tom won't work outside on building the storage shed, and since it is getting colder, it won't be likely that he'll want to freeze to death in his workshop. That only means one thing - we get to spend the evening together!
My work day ended on a good note, and I left to visit with Mom while I waited for Tom to get home from work. When he called to say he was on his way, I headed home. Tom walked in and I greeted him with a kiss. He unloaded the vehicle and started to say that he wanted to go out to his workshop to load up his new tool bag that I had just bought him. I pouted, "But it's too cold outside!"
He thought for a moment, "Well, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I thought since it was cold and rainy that you'd stay inside and we'd spend time together. We've been too tired lately to do much together. We could play darts, watch a movie, play cards...?"
He smiled, "OK." I smiled in return, YAY!
So, we decided to cook steak, fries, and beans for dinner. While the steaks thawed in the sink, I put his wet work clothes in the wash and put away the dishes in the dishwasher.
"The steaks are ready to season," Tom announced after checking on them.
"Does that mean you want me to season them or are you going to?"
He said, "You are going to season them." You know you must be doing something right when your man trusts you to season the meat! 😀
After I was done with the meat, I went to the A/V Receiver and plugged in my phone. I pulled up my playlist of music we used to listen to all the time and set it to shuffle. Tom went out to get firewood and I started getting old bills ready to burn in the fireplace. It didn't take long for it to catch - old bills, receipts, and spam snail-mail are good for something. Then, we started dinner.
He cooked the steaks and seasoned the beans on the stove. I tossed the fries on a baking sheet and put them in the oven. Then, I turned and started rinsing off the dirty dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. It felt so good to be working together in the kitchen again. It's been so long.
As the music continued to play in the background, we ate dinner and cleared off the table. We pulled out a deck of cards and started playing Rummy.
We talked and sang. We were not arguing.
We hugged and kissed. We were enjoying each other's company.
We laughed and cried. We were finding each other again.
We made apple tarts for dessert and wandered off for showers. I brought our music to the bedroom and we listened and talked as I gave the love of my life a full body massage. I watched him relax and enjoy my touch.
Eventually, we turned off the lights and I cuddled into him. We drifted off to sleep feeling more relaxed, more together than we have in months.
We didn't need to go out to dinner. We didn't need some expensive entertainment. We didn't even need spanking or sex.
All we needed last night was time together.
I've really been feeling down off and on lately, and it's got me constantly teetering on an emotional tightrope. A joke can hurt my feelings and bring me to tears. An influx in how something is said or a raised voice can make me breakdown. I feel like I need more attention, more emotional involvement, more physical contact. As a result of all this, I feel needy, yet oddly dettached.
I've thought about distracting myself. There are many things that I like to do such as reading, playing video games, watching movies, getting spanked, and playing darts, but I've found that when it comes time to do any of those things I feel restlessly indecisive and so I'll change my mind, no longer wanting to do anything anymore.
On Sunday, I actually felt very accomplished. I got a lot done last week and over the weekend. I fixed our desktop which had a corrupted user profile. I backed up and updated my cellphone. I backed up my laptop and moved some files off of it. I went up to Mom's and cleaned up her bedroom and put up some things she wanted on her walls.
Yesterday, I felt drained and down, so I ended up overreacting to a financial issue that isn't even a problem yet and probably won't be a problem at all. It's just that it was something unexpected. What I figured out later is that we just need to discuss the bills about once a week so that we are both up-to-date on what is due, when it is due, and how much we have to save/spend/loan out. Money wasn't the problem...it was a minor failure to communicate on both sides.
The rest of the evening went okay. I watched the three year old for a few hours while the rest of them went shopping. After they picked him up, I took a shower and got ready for bed. Tom caressed me for a little while and then I fell asleep when he went looking for a midnight snack.
Today, I'm still tired and don't feel very motivated but I need to go to a little basketball performance for my other nephew (the one I helped raise for five years) later this evening. His mom (my sister) has been pretty ridiculous to our parents for the last two months, but I'm not going to not support my nephew just because his parents have a problem. The same has been true for my other two nephews. (sigh)
(deep breath) I will climb out of this depressed hole that I've fallen into...why? Because I just don't have time for it.
On Wednesday, we spent all day getting really excited about being alone together. After work, we planned to organize Tom's workshop area together...but his brother and the boys showed up so they could get out of their house for a little while and come visit........neither of us were too happy, but they are family. So, the kids ate McDonad's chicken nuggets while Tom and his brother organized the tools that were on the floor. I just sat on the floor while the little one got into everything and the older one was trying to not freeze to death - it was in the 20's and the workshop only has a small electric heater. At some point, they finally decided to go home and we went inside to shower.
We went into the living room where Tom decided to have me bend over facing the couch with my hands on the seat cushions. He used the double strap just a little too hard at first but adjusted quickly. In no time at all, I could take the harder swings and relax into them while he could let out some frustration. The change of scenery was nice, but we soon found ourselves back in the bedroom for some hard and fast loving. By the end of the evening, I know I was seeing stars. 😀
We have been talking about going out to dinner recently, so last night (before receiving a hand spanking for teasing him which of course led to some wonderfully exciting sex), we decided we would have a date night this Friday (today). Our plan is to have dinner at Logan's Roadhouse and then go to the movies to see Taken 3.
...and then I just got a phone call about us babysitting the boys after our movie so that the parents can go out to a movie as well. (sigh) Now, I just need to figure out if we want the kids to come over or if we want to go over to their place. I think my preference would be for the kids to come over since we have TV and internet. Honestly, I think I'd rather move our date night, but it'll work out whatever we decide...
Anyway, as you can see, it's never a dull moment around here. 😛