I know this post will sound crazy to some, but maybe there are some out there who will be able to relate.
Tom and I had a couple of disagreements on Saturday night and one of them got rather heated. It was the mean and ugly kind of argument where something I said hurt him and then in retaliation he said something that hurt me. For the life of me, I can't remember exactly what I said that hurt him so much, and oddly enough, he also can't remember what I said either...which in hindsight might mean that it couldn't have been as detrimental as it appeared to be at the time. Regardless of whatever it was this time, when he said something back that hurt my feelings, I started to silently cry. Then, he made a comment about how I had hurt his feelings first yet for some reason I'm the one who is crying. This dig made my silent tears progress to full blown wracking sobs...the kind where you are extremely close to hyperventilating. What happened after I got to this point is what made all the difference in the rest of the evening.
It is very rare that I get to the point where my crying has gotten so intense that my chest is heaving and hyperventilation is a real possibility. Upon reflection, I realize now that at moments like this, I feel completely out of control, spiraling down into a pit of overwhelming despair. This loss of control is entirely different from willingly giving up control and is in no way fun. Tom was angry and upset with me. He had gotten off the bed and said menacingly, "You will be spanked for this, but not right now, I'm too angry." Then, he walked out of the room to cool off.
Unbelievingly, as soon as he finished his threat of a spanking, I started to calm down. His words implied two things to me. One, this argument had gotten out of hand and he is going to end it. Two, he cares about me and does not want to risk actually hurting me because he is angry, so he will handle it, but it'll be later.
The calming effect was immediate. I know vanilla folks would roll their eyes and try to convince me that I have a psychological problem and need help, but I can't help it. His implications let me know he was regaining control of the situation and instead of us continuing to take pot shots at each other, he was putting a stop to it.
When he returned a couple of minutes later, I still had few tears that were leaking onto my pillow, but I was in a better state. He said very calmly, "I do love you, but I am still angry with you." He still loved me even though we were arguing. He doesn't hate me, but he is upset. This was the reassurance I needed to pull myself back together. I sat up and we talked. He needed me to clear up something for him because he is still knew to understanding how I think with regard to wanting to be spanked. He wanted to know whether I was arguing because I wanted a spanking like the one from the other night or if I was arguing because I genuinely thought I was right. I shook my head and said that it was because I thought I was right and that I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him. I thought it was a fair question. He never grew up thinking about spanking the way I do. He hasn't read all of the stories or done as much research as I have on the subject. He wanted to know whether I was bratting and took it entirely too far, or if I had genuine concerns and he was overreacting. By the time we were finished talking (at 5AM the next morning!), we were both in much better places emotionally.
We have noticed that a majority of our disagreements are because of the differences in how we were raised. I think it should be this way, and he thinks it should be that way. We each believe passionately in where we stand and unfortunately that usually leads to a heated argument. After we both cool off, we tend to see each other's views and are in a better mindset to compromise.
Usually, the only reason that I will continue to argue at all is because I don't think he is listening to my thoughts and opinions. More often than not, he will either do what I suggested or come back and tell my that I was right after the fact. But, what he doesn't like and what is the bigger problem is that I will continue to argue the same point over and over thinking that he will change his mind instantly.
We understand that disagreements are going to happen, but what can we do so that they don't escalate to the point where we tear each other down? To answer this question, I want to refer to something I've read written by Brenna titled, Domestic Discipline in Relationships, and reposted by Bethany at Bethany's Woodshed.
Part 3 refers to several possible things that the husband can do in this type of relationship. I had printed this several months ago, but a lot has happened since then. Tom wanted to know what I wanted to try, so I dug this article out of my drawer and handed it to him. We talked for a bit more and then I had to go to bed because it was 2AM and I had to go to work at 6AM. When I woke up, I found out that he ended up having to stay awake because one of the boys broke out in hives yesterday and the itchiness woke him up, so Tom stayed up. While the boy took a bath and watched TV, Tom read the article three times! He also told me he wanted to read Part 1 and 2 which I hadn't printed yet.
This is very promising to me. He is trying to learn more about what I want. I know I don't know for certain, but what is mentioned in this article is definitely something I want to try. I do know that this didn't start out as his kink, but he is willing to learn and try something different which means the world to me.
So, about the spanking threat that I mentioned at the beginning of this post...something else that he is also working on is following through. Even though, I didn't agree at the time that I was in the wrong, I have agreed to submit to the spanking that he had threatened to give me because I do want him to follow through and because I really did hurt his feelings. As a result of neither of us remembering why (go ahead and laugh - even I know that sounds ridiculous - you want to get spanked when neither of you can remember what for), I have an as needed assignment. It is now my responsibility to always write down why I am supposed to be spanked if we have to take care of it at a later date. If I forget to write it down and as a result forget why he needs to spank me, then he will break out the thicker paddle. Yikes! See, he has a legitimate excuse for forgetting...his ADHD tends to make him forgetful. Anyway, we are waiting to carry this one out until some time after Wednesday's follow-up appt. with the doctor.