Recently, I’ve been talking a lot about what I’m currently going through because that’s where I am. In my last post, I opened up and shared what happened a year ago. What I’ve been through takes up a lot of my time as I try to focus on recovering from the past, being okay with the present, and moving forward.
Today, I want to remember some good things. Looking back, May 2014 was a big month for me. On May 1st, I had worked up the courage to email Bonnie from the My Bottom Smarts blog. I had just finished reading her entire archive and it was the first time I reached out to anyone who talked about spanking as much as I wanted to talk about it. From her blog, I found links to several others. As I started exploring, I found a whole community of people who talked about everything from personal relationships to every day life to how they felt about and incorporated TTWD into their lives. A whole new world started to open up.
On May 5th, I wrote my first kink-related blog entry to introduce myself. I had no idea who would read it or what would happen. I just knew that I wanted to share my experiences and maybe find some friends out there. I had fun with it. I shared stories or books that I came across. I shared the fun kinky sex experiences. I shared things that I was hoping would happen. I shared the death of Tom’s dad and his resulting relapse into drug addiction. Then, I disappeared for four years, came back, and have been sharing some of what it’s like to slowly recover from being in love with an addict. I continue to share because I miss this community and because I hope sharing might help others.
On May 23, 2014, I reached out to someone who would end up helping me through some of the darkest times I’ve had in my life so far. At the time, she had already found my blog and commented on some of my first posts! (Talk about being really excited to be noticed by someone so amazing!) I had just finished reading her autobiography and was working through her blog archive when I sent my first email to Erica. I had no idea how important this first correspondence would be. Last year, I only texted two friends the day after I told Tom to move out – Erica was one of them. As my anxiety and depression grew into something I could no longer control and keep bottled up, she was there to virtually hold my hand, calm me down, and walk in circles repeatedly through the things that were consuming me. She encouraged my switch to weekly therapy and helped me open up. She knows everything about me. And would you believe it? She has never left my side. She was there and is still there every day. Our friendship means the world to me.
Going forward, these are the memories that I want to hold on to as I start to find myself again and let go of the past. As this month closes, I am ready for new experiences and new memories. It is time.
Tom's youngest brother and his family moved out of our house on Saturday. The kids were both sad and excited. After they left, the house was unnaturally quiet. We wandered into the living room where Tom had me bend over a backless barstool. He proceeded to use the double strap and then the thinner paddle. He said that he was spanking me for moping. I was moping because we weren't even going to get an entire night alone yet...at least not for another 2+ weeks. His other brother was on his way and was supposed to arrive around 3AM.
As the spanking progressed, I started getting pretty excited and we even considered making love (conveniently forgoing the doctor's orders), but then we couldn't find any condoms...apparently he had given the ones we had left to his youngest brother. Of course, I ended up getting spanked for that too. 🙂
We got a phone call from his brother and he said he should be in at around 4AM, so Tom decided he was going to stay up and he tucked me in at around 2AM. I woke up close to 6:30AM to find out that he hadn't arrived yet, but that he had called Tom to say he was stopping at a rest stop for 30 mins. I figured he had fallen asleep and couldn't hear his phone. Tom was worried and went to work outside before the sun was up. It turns out that I was right, he finally called by 11AM and said that he had fallen asleep but was back on the road. He didn't end up making it in until almost 1PM.
On his way from California, Tom's brother stopped in New Mexico to pick up their father's motorcycle. Over the last few weeks, I received the medical examiner's report, Tom talked to the officer on the scene, and now we have the motorcycle. We will look at photos that his brother took of where the accident happened sometime this week and we will be able to piece together what happened after he left the highway. We will never know what caused him to veer off to the shoulder in the first place, but we will know what happened afterward. ...We also need to go through his belonging that were collected from the scene...the teddy bear that I gave him might be in the box.
We are all still grieving. I've read up on the five stages of grief. You really don't experience just one stage at a time. I'll usually experience several of them one after another when I'm alone or when we talk about him. We can never really go back to what was normal...we just have to steadily make a new normal. We are doing our best to get everyone down to our house during the next couple of weeks. Although it might be a stressful having so many people around, it will be good for all of us not to be alone during the holidays. We are all going to work through this together by sharing old memories and creating new memories...one day at a time.
I found the following on Facebook back in October. Although I am not religious (to each their own), this brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.
I end this post with a challenge to remember the good times. Share at least one fond memory of someone who has passed either in a comment below or on your own blog. I will add my own comment later. If you would like to add more than one memory or memories of more than one person, please feel free to do so.
Our loved ones are not lost - they live on in us and in the memories we share of them.
I took a break from blogging because I didn't know what I did or did not want to share with the online world. One of the things I love about Erica's blog is how real she is. She doesn't hide much about who she is or how she feels. I've taken a leaf out of her book and tried to do that here. I want my readers to know me. I want to share my experiences and talk about life (and when life includes spanking, I like to share that too). I do keep names out of my blog to protect my family, friends, and professional life, but even my nickname, Jay, is real. So, that's why I don't only talk about spanking and create exciting stories. Some days, it's just about reality...
Last Tuesday, we received a message from the boys' father and stepmother. They would be arriving that evening and needed a place to stay for at least a week. We had no idea what their plan was but we said that they could stay for a little while. All week they have been dropping of applications for jobs all over town with hopes of getting a job local to us. They want to start renting in town and then eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) settle down enough to take the boys back. We have been going over routines and they can see how much the boys have changed. The older one can still be a bit hyper, but overall he has grown a lot over the time we've had him.
The issues now?
1) The parents have helped take care of the kids and clean around the house since they arrived, but they absolutely have to get jobs. When it was just the two of us, we had to budget but we could afford to go to the movies and eat out every now and then while still catching up on bills. When the kids moved in, we had to cut out everything extra. I have very little in emergency savings and everything else that comes in goes out immediately. My fiancé took an hourly job so he could be guaranteed a check every week and so that he could be home to help me with the kids, but we still have business debts that we are slowly paying off. Plus, I'm still paying off student loans and bills from remodeling our house. Now throw in feeding the kids, school expenses, and extra curriculars. We were only just getting by with help from the other brother. Now that it seems the parents are ready to settle down, maybe things will work themselves out and money will come from where it is supposed to...not to mention, we CANNOT afford to keep feeding the parents in addition to everyone else.
2) Our game room is now being used as a makeshift bedroom/storage room for all of their things. This was where we could play darts and I could get spanked with something other than a cane because sound doesn't travel well through brick walls. Now, however, there is barely any room to move because when the parents arrived they brought everything they had carry in the vehicle that dropped them off. As long as it's temporary, it's really not that big of deal.
3) My parents are driving me nuts because they want to know what's going on all the time. We understand their concern...but damn, calm down!
4) Spanking greatly decreased in the last few weeks especially with relatives visiting and two more people in the house, which makes for relieving any of my stress impossible. Last night, we tried to get in a little play time with the cane, but it's honestly just too much for me because we don't have the privacy, time, or energy to put in the effort to do a nice warm up and build up to the harder play that I need right now.
5) "What's wrong? Talk to me." I've been hearing that a lot lately. My fiancé can tell there is something up but isn't sure what. It makes it really hard to talk to him when I can't even put what I'm feeling into words. I think I finally figured it out last night while talking to him, but realizing what is bothering me doesn't make me feel any better about it. In fact, knowing what's up just makes me feel guilty. So what is it? I am jealous, but not in the way you would normally think. I'm not jealous of another woman. I am jealous of the time that he has to give others. We do not get to spend nearly as much time together anymore which is causing me to feel like something is missing, that I'm being left out, and that he doesn't care about me as much as he used to. I didn't notice it at first and when I finally realized something was bothering me I just couldn't figure out what it was. I love the boys even though they are handfuls. I love my fiancé's family, so why was I feeling so dreadfully down? It's simply because we went from just you and me to you, the boys, random visits from relatives on both sides, the boys' parents, and me. We end up spending all our energy and efforts on other people so that when we finally have time for us, our nerves are frayed and we have little to no patience with each other. As a result of all the stress and hurt feelings, I've been depressed, more emotional, can't concentrate, and am easily irritated. But, I put on a pretty good front and only my fiancé has been very aware that I seemed depressed...or as he put it, "It looks like you hate your life." No, I don't hate my life. I love my life and all its craziness. We have just been through a ridiculous amount of stuff in a very short period of time...I mean who wouldn't get edgy?
6) I have to have minor surgery during the Thanksgiving break. It's an out-patient procedure, and I will have to be knocked out. I've never been knocked out before and even though I'm glad I will be (because I definitely do not want to be awake for this), I'm scared. I'm refusing to think about it because every time I do I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Irrational? Of course, I'm being irrational which is why I won't think about it. Actually, reading about Erica's recent surgery has made me feel a lot better about mine. Not because the surgeries are at all similar (mine is pretty simple - LEEP treatment to remove precancerous cells)...but it's because she had a surgery and is OK, so I will be too.
(I will add links later when I have access to my computer.)
I had many false starts when it came to writing a post this week. At first, I wanted to write about my father-in-law and get out how much we all miss him, then I changed my mind and wanted to write about how wildly life can change from week to week. But how I feel right now really sums up to the following sentiment which I found by wandering through Google images with the search phrase "it will be okay."
Last night, my fiancé held me while I had a small meltdown and cried. I tend to focus so much on taking care of others that I don't allow myself time to deal with my own emotions, so that when I finally breakdown or blowup, it seems that I'm really upset about nothing at all when it's really a bunch of things. That's just who I am. I can handle being thrown into a crisis by taking control, getting stuff done, and planning things out because I am levelheaded and can think clearly by pushing my emotions down. But in doing so, I stretch myself thin and wear myself out.
When the dust finally starts to settle, I begin to feel and that's when I need someone there to help brush the dust off of me. My fiancé has been that someone, and I am very thankful that we have been able to be there for each other. I know it has been extremely rough on us - both as individuals and as a couple, but I do not regret going through any of it together.
In the last week, life has changed drastically for us. My fiancé and I stepped up and were given provisional custody of his two nephews, ages 7 and 3. Last month, his brother started working a job that takes him away from home a majority of the time and his brother's new wife wasn't ready for the responisbility of raising two extremely rambunctious boys, so we picked them up last Tuesday and enrolled the older one in our local public school. We have been trying to provide stability and get them into a normal routine. It has definitely been exhausting as they can totally wear me out. It is very difficult to split your time between two kids who both need your attention, especially when their age difference makes it near impossible to try to spend time all together. *sigh*
Want to know the irony of the situation? We had just decided we probably weren't going to have any children of our own and just enjoy life together. Now, all of our time at home is consumed with raising the boys. Last week was rough and stressful, but the weekend did show me that we can handle them together.
Even with everything going all topsy-turvy on us, we did manage to have some very limited private time after the boys went to sleep. Lucky for me, we acquired those canes from Cane-iac last month. With the need to be quiet and all, they really are the only implements we can try to use right now.
Anyway, there are a TON of things I miss terribly and even some things I regret not doing yet now that we have kids, but I know that we are doing the right thing in taking them in. I do hope that the parents will be able to pull themselves together and figure things out in time for next school year, but in the mean time, we will do our best and take one day at a time.
Positive thoughts, comments, smoke signals, etc. are all welcome and greatly appreciated!