Wow…it’s been three months since my last post. I guess I sort of ended up taking a break from blogging. I even dropped off from lurking for a while too. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be back yet, but I decided to take the first step and post something again.
I feel like I’ve been pretty busy at work lately. They are reorganizing and giving some people new titles. I am now a Project Engineer and Mechanical Engineer…fancy title I suppose. On December 1st, I will have been with the company for four years…and I still don’t have any confidence in my abilities, nor do I have the desire to go above and beyond. I do feel that I have at least gotten better in the last few weeks and the days don’t seem as long anymore.
At home, we have set a goal. We are working on cleaning our house up in time for Thanksgiving. One of my best friends has a birthday at the end of the month, so I’m planning a day for the four of us (her boyfriend and Tom included). I think we’ll go see the final Hunger Games movie on the 22nd of Nov. and then come home for dinner. Then, we can play cards or darts. Tom and I haven’t played darts in forever. During the summer, it is too hot in the game room and I don’t want to cut on the little portable AC because I want to save money…not to mention, we need to clean out the room so we can actually move in there. We have already cleaned what used to be the boys’ room and his daughter’s room. I started on our room a few days ago, so we are definitely making progress.
Because of the events from earlier this year (written about on this blog), we are still dealing with legal proceedings. These things always put a damper on my mood when they come around. It is a scary unknown…something that can still affect our future. I know we will be dealing with it for some time to come but it doesn’t make it any easier or less scary.
Tom and I are still working on us. Some times I still feel that he chooses other people over us…over me. I’ve even felt like I’ve been replaced by guy friends. He tells me that isn’t true. I guess a lot of it is that I’m still dealing with feelings from what happened before. It’s not easy to turn back time and take it all away. He is also still dealing with his feelings and so he and I will both react poorly to situations. It is tough – I can’t deny that. But, we are moving forward together.
In other news, I haven’t been spanked in a while. It’s not his fault. It’s actually all my fault. I’m usually too tired when it comes down to it. Even now, my eyes are slowly closing as I type this and the time change hasn’t made me want to stay awake either. Today, I was really missing it…but I don’t want any expectations from it. I’m not sure what I want. …maybe just a good, progressive spanking and that’s it. …maybe have sex or not…maybe talk or not…maybe cry or not. I don’t know if I’d even be very interactive, and right now, I’m just really sleepy. I want it…but I think it’ll be too much effort. I also don’t want to feel bad for not reacting like I usually do. I just want to be…if that makes any sense at all. (sigh)
The weekend before last, Tom and I decided to spend some time with Tom’s step-family. We drove for about 3.5 hours to meet up with his step-sister and step-mom to camp for the night near a river. We paid for a site at a nearby campground with a bathroom – that’s the only thing I can’t seem to give up, LOL. While they started cooking hamburgers, sausages, and vegetables over the campfire, we walked along the river’s edge and then came back. Dinner turned out great and we ended up eating way too much. Tom started to get tired, so we headed off to our campsite to pitch our tent and set up the cots. That night wasn’t too bad, but neither of us liked sleeping on separate cots so next time we will have to find our air bed.
We woke up before my alarm and started packing up so we could meet the others for breakfast at their site. Then, we met up with Tom’s step-brothers to rent kayaks and set out on the river. I had only ever been white water rafting before, so I was nervous at first because I know I wouldn’t want to take a kayak into white water rapids but Tom told me we would be fine. He even let me rent a tandem kayak so I wouldn’t be afraid. He was definitely right – we had a calm float down the river. We stopped a few times to get out and swim. We even tipped over once and almost got knocked out by a tree that had recently fallen…or rather I would have been knocked out and he probably would have been fine. 😛 My poor guy did end up losing his hat and his sun glasses when we fell out, though. The kayaking company picked us up at some point down river and took us back to our cars where we all said farewell and headed back home.
This small outdoor adventure went really well. I made sure to use a lot of sunscreen and bug spray so I didn’t get burned or eaten alive. The only downside was that we saw a ton of spiders, but luckily they left us alone.
Kayaking was a lot of fun, but it actually made me miss white water rafting. I think next time Tom’s step-sister and I will plan that kind of trip for next time!
OH, I almost forgot! When we parked to rent the kayaks, we saw a sign that looked a lot like this.
I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.
The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.
Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.
It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)
This is from a post I started on June 26th but never got around to finishing…
The last five days have been pretty busy. Tom’s brother and his family are in the process of moving back to the city because he got a job that starts this Thursday. The lights at their current place were turned off on Friday so everyone temporarily moved into our house again. We spent all weekend taking loads of stuff to a storage building close to where they will be. Today is their last day with us before we take one last load that way. Hopefully, they will be able to work things out for the better. Tom’s daughter is probably going to spend a couple of nights with them.
We did end up getting Wednesday to Saturday alone. Tom and I went to a local festival and enjoyed browsing the different vendor tables. On Sunday, we spent time outside while I put together one of those swinging loveseat things and Tom put a temporary carport together that we will eventually reinforce, both of these are for my mom so she was pretty happy. This was actually a lot of fun for me because I like putting stuff together!
I have been so exhausted lately. I don’t think I’m getting any less sleep, but I wake up tired. Maybe it’s because we have been driving an hour away often in the last couple of weeks to help with the move and it’s really starting to wear me down.
I’ve also taken to playing solitaire on my phone a lot. I used to spend my extra time browsing blogs, writing posts, or reading…now I seem to be sticking to a mindless game in my down time. I like it because it requires just enough thought that my mind feels occupied but not stressing about anything.
This coming weekend we are planning to go through half of my mom’s storage shed. Apparently, the roof has been leaking and about 1/3 of the boxes have gotten soaked so I need to see what is salveagable and what needs to be tossed. I am hoping to have some fun going through it…it’ll suck to throw things out, but maybe we’ll find some cool stuff!
In other news, I think I seem to be going through a phase. I know I created this blog to share my life – my story, my experiences, my journey – and a lot my posts have revolved around spanking. My recent posts don’t really talk about it much anymore and I feel I owe my readers a small explanation since many of you enjoy reading about it. It’s not that I don’t think about it or that I don’t get spanked anymore. It’s just not as high up on my priority list at the moment. I definitely still think about it and I have definitely had some feel-good spanking sessions followed by some really hot, mind-blowing sex with the love of my life.
I think I’d like to start exercising. The last time I exercised consistently was while I was in college taking a karate course. Now, four years later, I am about 40 pounds over what I’d like to weigh. I’m just not sure how to make it routine…and I would like to do it with Tom. I don’t like running, but I do or used to enjoy walking, skating, biking, and swimming. This sitting behind a desk all day sucks. I don’t have my bike or skates anymore and swimming is $140/month. I think because I can’t decide what I want to do, I end not doing anything at all which is horribly circular thinking. And, these 95-105 degree days are not helping my motivation any. (sigh) I would like for Tom to help motivate me…but I’m not really sure how exactly I want him to do that. LOL.
And this concludes my post of randomness.
Well, it’s been a while. Let’s see…we took a mini-vacation the weekend before last. We enjoyed visiting the other side of Tom’s family – his step-mom, step-sister, and two step-brothers. It was good to catch up and relax. Tom and I were able to spend some time together on the long drive and wandering around a flea market.
My mom’s birthday was last Saturday. I bought her a new sink faucet with a pull-out sprayer. I managed to completely uninstall the old one and install the new one with one trip to Lowe’s and with a little guidance from Tom. I was pretty proud of myself and am happy to report that so far nothing is leaking! 🙂
This weekend, we are going to pick up Tom’s daughter for her summer visit. She will be here for a little over a month which will be her longest visit so far. We will need to plan a couple of trips to the movies and see what else there is to do around here that’ll be fun for a sixteen year-old. We live in a small town, so we’ll have to be creative.
I guess that about sums up the last three weeks.
I am afraid…
that I was/am not enough.
that I have failed.
that I won’t be able to help.
I am afraid…
of being lied to again.
of being hurt emotionally.
of losing him and not being able to do anything about it.
A few months ago, he told me I was being co-dependent. I’m sure we were arguing at the time, but he also told me I was being too needy, too clingy, and that I wanted too much. In hindsight, I think he was just trying to alleviate his guilt and make me feel bad. It definitely made me feel bad, but was what he said true? Sure, we all experience some minor co-dependent behaviors. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t feel good when they give someone a gift and the receiver lights up like it was best present ever. Also, in hindsight, I now understand what was going on outside of the argument. He was trying to juggle his time among his brother, getting high, and me. I had started to feel like he was choosing his brothers over me when that was only partially true. They were all busy trying not to feel the death of their father by getting high. In doing so, they spent lots of time together both day and night. There were many nights that I went to bed alone, even on nights when we had sex. He may or may not have joined me hours later. I don’t think I ever thought that I was truly losing him, but I did feel like he was pulling away from me. Sex was beginning to feel like a moment of elation followed by a lonely crash. I missed him. I started to feel like the only time he was there emotionally was when we were having sex or when we were both crying because I finally broke down and tried to explain what I was feeling.
I think that on some level most of us experience co-dependent behaviors when we are trying to get to and are in a submissive mindset. The desire to please, attuned to what he wants, feeling self-conscious, and any guilty feelings if something goes awry. All of these feelings are normal. However, when I started feeling like I had moved down on the list of his priorities, when I started feeling like I was the only one taking care of the boys, when I found out he was lying to me, when I thought he no longer wanted to spend time with me, and when I believed what I said and felt no longer mattered,…then all of those co-dependent tendencies intensified.
Then came the feelings of helplessness, anger, fear, and hurt. My self-worth had taken a hit. I felt guilty that I had turned a blind eye towards the signs. I felt that my heart and trust had taken a major blow.
Even though I recognize the signs of co-dependency, I don’t believe that I am truly co-dependent because I can function on my own, and when I am aware of what is going on I do not obsess about where he is or what he’s doing. Yes, I do enjoy spending time with him and doing things together, but there are some things that I don’t jump all into because they aren’t my thing. For instance, he likes playing with audio speakers – I don’t mind messing with them for a while but I tend to get bored with it so I’ll do something else in the same room. A lot of the time when I do feel needy and clingy, it’s because I don’t want to lose him, and honestly what do you expect after what we’ve been through?
I know that what happened wasn’t my fault, but I hate how powerless I feel. When I choose to let go of control when we play or have sex, it’s because I feel safe, cared for, and I trust him. But feeling powerless when it comes to an addiction is absolutely terrifying. I hate feeling like I’m not enough, like I’m going to lose him. I hate watching him walk out of the door because I don’t know if he’s coming back and not because he doesn’t want to come home, but because he won’t be able to.
He has been sober for almost 7 weeks, and I am very proud of him. Even though drinking isn’t the problem, he started going to AA meetings this week and it is helping him gain perspective and let’s him remember he isn’t alone in his addiction. I am considering attending an Al-anon meeting, but I’m afraid it’ll be full of stories of abuse and people trying to let go and back off of their loved ones for their own safety or for tough love. My story isn’t one of abuse and trying to get out. I want to stay and support him. I want him to see what he has right in front of him. I realize I have no control over what someone else does, but how do you deal with it when what he does affects you? Step back? Stop caring? Don’t get upset? In my mind if I pull the focus from him, then all I am doing is learning to live without him. How does that help us?
Honestly, I believe that he won’t do it again, and I know he feels terrible about what he did. In addition to the legal issues that are still looming, he also lost his job on March 24th. We mostly finished one of his side jobs but we are still waiting on payment – the guy owes us $2,400. His second side job has gone over the original estimated one week of work by two weeks due to rain and working by himself. He also reduced his quote because he was concerned he wouldn’t get work, but when you do the math…that means he is making significantly less than minimum wage because of gas (job location is an hour out) and time lost. He has made some headway with things around the house – fixed lawnmower, fixed weedeater, built lean-to for dad, finished most of the siding work on a large shed, fixed leak in roof, etc. There are still things on the list that even I get overwhelmed thinking about it all. We have things that we can sell, but even they need to be fixed first – two vehicles and a camper.
Today, he went to quote a job and apply for a job. I definitely do not want him to get depressed or lose hope. I want him to get better, deal with the past, and learn how to cope. I am feeling the emotions of the past in triggered spurts, but I need to work on figuring out how to let it go and overcome the fear. It is hard when an action or a word reminds me or makes me question. He is doing very well at letting me know his plans for the day and calling me if things change or he is going to be late. Those simple things help alleviate so much stress, worry, and fear. I do trust him…but trusting without fear will have to come back in time. I hope you understand that I am not afraid of him nor am I afraid that he will do anything to purposely hurt me in any way. I am not afraid of relapse but I am afraid he will be taken from me because of a relapse.
Posting is so hard these days. I want to share what I’m feeling, because I need to get it out and not avoid my own emotions. I also hope that maybe others will have their own story to share even if it’s anonymously.
I’m sorry this isn’t a spanking related post. Erotic spankings definitely still occur and are thoroughly enjoyable, but this post is just about life and what’s on my mind right now.
Please feel free to leave comments (anonymously or not) about your experiences with addictions, AA or Al-anon meetings, other group meetings, or just general support. Every little bit helps and maybe you’ll even be helping someone else who wanders on to this post.
First, I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to leave a comment and provide support. Believe me, it helps and means a lot to know that you all are out there reading, sympathizing, and providing emotional and spiritual support where you can. I am not alone. We are not alone.
I’m still kind of at a loss as to what I want to share and talk about. I’ll think about sitting down and starting a post, but I’ll start to think about everything that happened before and what’s going on now. Then, I’ll decide I don’t want to deal with thinking too much so I’ll stop and won’t even begin the post. I don’t want to shutdown and honestly I don’t feel like I am totally withdrawn because I am talking to Tom. I am asking questions about the past and trying to better understand what’s happened. I am afraid of what we can’t control about the future, but I have this sense of hope and I feel like everything will work out. If I didn’t have that hope, then I think I would probably fall to pieces and not be able to function. I know that what we can control of the future looks pretty damn bright to me, so I want so desperately for things to just please work out. It doesn’t even have to be the easiest way possible…all I am asking for is to find a road in the right direction.
I took Tom to the doctor last week so that we could get a recommendation on a counselor because I really believe that he needs to work through issues from childhood, grieve for his father, and find a way to cope with the rougher days of ADHD. Then, we can also focus on our relationship together.
This week, I’m trying to find out if Tom’s medical insurance accepts the recommended counselor and set up the first appointment. So far, I think that this one may be out of network which means we might have to try someone else if we can’t afford it.
Last night, Tom asked me why I haven’t posted anything and wondered if I had given up on blogging. I told him I haven’t given up but that I didn’t know what to say or what to share. He knows that normally I would write about recent spankings, but I haven’t done that in a while…not that there haven’t been recent spankings around here. I got spanked for both my birthday on the 31st and his birthday on the 13th. I’ve also been spanked for fun and had few 3-lick consequences come my way. The desire to write is there, but the will and motivation to get started is not.
Yesterday, I really wanted a long, sound spanking but since I didn’t know how I wanted it or for what reason I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about it until we were cuddling after we had tried something new to me.
(NOTE: Anal play ahead…if it’s not your cup o’ tea, then skip the next four paragraphs.)
He said early on that he wanted to help give me something to write about, so he decided to pull out a few implements and our Ziploc bag of anal plugs of various sizes. This wasn’t totally out of the ordinary and we have used the two smallest plugs before so I wasn’t really worried. He started out spanking me while I pleasured him orally. It’s strange how I used to hate giving blow jobs, but I actually do not mind giving Tom pleasure in that way and he certainly enjoys them.
As my level of sexual excitement increased, he picked up the lube and inserted the second to smallest plug. Since it didn’t bother me at all, he switched it for the next size up which also slid in without much resistance. Because we hadn’t tried this size before, he let me get used to it before pumping it in and out. He then asked if I was ready for the next one. I think on a normal day I probably would have told him no, but for some reason, I offered no resistance. I wanted to trust him completely again, so I let go of control. He picked up the largest one and very slowly eased it in place. This one felt a bit uncomfortable, but I was willing myself to get used to it and it helped when he admitted to me that he was actually smaller around than this one. He made me even more aroused by spanking me a few times as he played with it. Then, he pulled it out and slid a condom on while I grabbed my vibrator.
I placed the vibrator against my clit, put my ass in the air and laid my head on the bed. He lubed up and very gently eased his cock into my ass. I was rather surprised (and relieved, LOL) when his hips made contact with my butt. After a few moments, he started to slowly pull out and push back in. The sensations were definitely different. With the help of my vibrator, it didn’t take long before I was close to an orgasm. Tom ramped up to a hard and fast pace and we were both thrown over the edge into orgasmic bliss.
It took us both a few minutes to recover and roll off the bed to clean up. He asked me what I thought about it and I said that I had enjoyed it, but definitely would not want to do it very often. It is still very much awkward, although I do like the smallest plugs.
When we got back into bed, I finally mentioned that I would like to get a longer spanking. I can’t remember if I tried to explain it much, but after thinking about it more I believe I know what I’m looking for now. I’m wanting the intimacy of being over his knee. I want to be reassured as my bottom is warmed with his hand. I want to feel cherished as the leather kisses my cheeks. I want to cry and start letting go of the stress as the paddle smacks away the pain from the past. I want to feel relief and calm down as he holds me close because, after all we’ve been through, I am his.
I know I am asking a lot and I know everything won’t magically be better, but it’s a start.
Sorry, all. I realize this post seems very disjointed (or at least it does to me), but I’m glad to finally have a post put together enough to publish.
For two weeks, I have been stuck. I haven’t known what to say or do. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share what was going on, but I’ve needed support and didn’t know how to ask for it. My trust had been broken. I’m not talking about an affair or abuse. I’m talking about how someone else’s choice of a coping mechanism turned into an addiction, into poor decisions, into taking risks that were never worth the possibility of losing everything.
I am and have been broken, terrified, sad, lost, angry, upset, hurt…and yet still a glimmer of hope exists. Belief that trust can be rebuilt exists. Love beyond measure still exists.
On March 24th, I had the rug pulled out from under my feet. I knew something wasn’t right and hadn’t been right for a while. Things between us had been going downhill fast since his dad passed away back in September. I couldn’t figure out why. We started arguing more. He was spending less time with the kids that we were taking care of, so I had to step up with the cleaning, homework, food, etc. He was spending less time with me and more time with his brothers when they were here. He would be up all night with them. When they weren’t here, he started working more and stay up late by himself. We started arguing more…about the kids, the money, and his brothers.
I never could place my finger on it. I just knew it got worse when other people were here. I tried to talk about it and explain to him what I saw or what I thought was happening, but it was easy to make excuses. He hadn’t talked to his brothers in thirteen years. Their dad had just died. We had kids who weren’t ours to raise. They are family.
…but in the mean time, we didn’t invite my family down from 150-200 feet away. Why? Because my parents are nosy and I didn’t want them to notice that anything was wrong. I didn’t want them to judge Tom and his family too harshly. But, they were starting to notice things from afar. They could look down from their home and see that lights were on all through the night. They could see that the brothers were up a lot and sleeping at odd hours. Despite what I said, they could tell Tom was pulling away from me just from the amount he worked or the amount of time it looked like they were all awake at night.
On the 24th, he got his rude awakening – his wake up call. Right now, I hope beyond hope that we can overcome the legal issues that have arisen, in whatever way they turn out. Against all odds, I see a silver lining through my tears. I finally see the man I fell in love with again – the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. All this time, I was lost, but so was he.
We both know this cannot be fixed overnight. It took the course of six months to get to where we are. Six months of being kept in the dark, of secrets, and of lies. It is going to take a lot to earn back trust. I was hurt because I thought he was getting tired of me. I felt guilty because I thought I was being selfish. I was angry because I thought he wasn’t listening. I felt like he was just pushing me away and I couldn’t figure out why I was losing him.
Now, I worry that this might happen again. I feel guilty because I feel I could have done more to notice the signs earlier or prevent it from occurring. I’m angry because I feel like he let this happen. I feel like he took a risk and could have lost everything. Was it worth it? Was it worth the pain that I know he could see in my eyes? Was it worth allowing me to believe it was me?
Among my turmoil of emotions, I also feel an odd sense of strength. I feel vindicated that I knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure what and that I had been right in knowing his judgement had been altered. I knew that it couldn’t all be me. I know that I am not a selfish person.
For some reason, I feel it is worth to note what I was thinking the moment I got the phone call that yanked the rug out from under me. Stupid things crossed my mind…like “but my birthday is next week and yours is two weeks later, but we just bought the wedding ring, but we’re supposed to get married in December, but I just paid the bill, but we haven’t even had a vacation alone together, but we are finally alone again in our house, but what if I want to have a baby,” and it goes on…right down to the question of, “was it worth it?”
I do believe addiction is a disease, but I also believe that you have an initial choice that you are in control of and what you choose is entirely up to you. What are you willing to risk, and ultimately, is it worth it?
Despite all that has happened, I have also experienced periods of being wonderfully happy again in the last two weeks. We’ve worked together putting flooring down in a house. We went on a picnic. We’ve watched movies together. I’ve even been spanked a few times for fun.
I do not want you to judge Tom because I have not shared everything with you. You do not know about his past or all of the circumstances. I do know about his past and I can sympathize with the situation because hindsight is 20/20. That does not mean I agree with everything that has happened, and I am certainly feeling all kinds of emotions that I need to deal with. He absolutely needed the rude awakening. He is ashamed and has regret for what he has put us through…what he has put me through. He is human and he made a mistake that snowballed out of control. He realizes he should have been honest from the beginning and has agreed to certain rules that we must live by in order for me to begin trusting again. We have to help each other through this because neither of us is ready to throw in the towel and walk away.
We have a long and difficult road ahead of us and unfortunately it will probably be peppered with events where we cannot be sure of the outcome nor how it will affect our future, but…we will try to do everything we can to make the best of it.