I went to bed before Tom did last night but I can be a pretty light sleeper when he isn't in bed with me. I left my iPad on his side of the bed and left the TV on so that he could read my updated version of yesterday's post and watch a little TV if he wanted. When he finally came in, he caressed my back as he read and I kept my eyes shut while enjoying the rough touch of his fingers.
When he finished reading, he held me close and whispered, "Are you okay?" To which, I shook my head. He asked, "What's wrong?"
With some hesitation, I replied, "I don't know."
He said, "You just went through the effort of letting me know that you aren't okay, but now won't tell me why. That's just ridiculous...and you are lying to me when you say that you don't know what's wrong."
I paused and then whispered back, "I just wish we didn't have to wait so long to deal with it."
He sat up and said, "Let's go into our bathroom and handle it there." He got off the bed and started rummaging around for implements.
I rolled over and watched him. "The kids are in their beds across the hall. We would wake them up. We used to be able to go into the gameroom, but your brother and his wife are in there."
"Are you making excuses? I'm deciding we're handling this now. Now, where is the paddle?" As my heart rate skyrocketed, he rifled through stuff until he found the double leather strap and the wooden paddle (both from Cane-iac). He looked at me and said, "Come on." I waited for him to move away from his side of the bed and then slid off the bed to follow him to the bathroom. I walked passed him and turned the shower and overhead vent on so that there would be more background noise than just the TV. He thought that was a very good idea and we exchanged a smile.
We took a look around the bathroom which is long and narrow...not exactly and ideal place to do this. He said that he wished he had something to sit on and walked back into the bedroom to look for something suitable. He came back with a miniature ottoman, placed it down, and sat on it. Patting his lap, he said, "Come here." He was awfully close to the ground which looked kind of funny, but I wasn't about to laugh at him at the moment. I draped myself over his knees thinking that at least it wasn't too uncomfortable.
"I’m going to punish you for lying to me." He pulled my pajama pants and panties down. He picked up the double strap and started smacking my bare bottom. Aware that I needed to be warmed up, he held back at first. Instead of ending the warm-up and giving me hard hits from then on, he decided to intermix the strength of the swats so that he was emphasizing points. With one of the harder swats, he asked, "Do you like lying to me?"
"No," I choked and he layed into me with a few really hard strokes. He started switching back and forth between the implements. I felt like I was on the verge of tears, but just wasn't there yet.
At some point he said, "Man, my dick is getting harder the harder I spank you." Then, I giggled and he said, "You think that's funny?" I nodded, so he aimed another set of harder strokes at my rear to remind me that this isn't supposed to be funny.
After that, he had me get up and lay over the ottoman so he could position himself beside me. This was actually really comfortable and I could rest my head on my hands on the floor. He started spanking again and asked, "Can you trust a liar?" I miserably shook my head and he worked me over with the wooden paddle mixing really hard and slow swats with quick and in the same place less hard swats.
Then, he said, "It’s ok, Baby. I do trust you." That did it - the damn broke. The tears that were on the verge from the moment I went over his knees finally spilled over. He spanked a few more times then knelt beside me and rubbed my back and said, "I love you. Are you okay?" I couldn't say anything and just nodded my head. It really didn't take long for my tears to stop falling...actually it felt more like I was still crying but without tears. He asked me, "Do you want more?" I nodded imediately. I may have been done with the tears, but I didn't feel I was done being punished yet.
So, he picked up one of the implements again. I had stopped trying to keep track of which one he was using. I could definitely feel the difference, but he was in control of everything and I simply concentrated on feeling, letting go, and taking anything he wanted to give me. With each smack, I felt better. The guilt was being spanked out of me. A few minutes later, he said, "I think we should stop."
I said, "Okay." I know my bottom had taken a lot and any busted capilaries or brusing needs to be able to heal before next Wednesday's doctor's appointment.
I stood up and we hugged each other. I squeezed him and said, "I'm sorry for lying to you."
He replied, "I know you are. I love you."
"I love you, too."
At around 2AM, I got into bed while Tom decided to go make a late night snack. I felt emotionally better and could easily fall asleep. I rolled onto my back and immediately changed my mind before falling asleep on my side.
This morning, I told Tom, "I am still tired, but I feel better."
He laughed and said, "That's because your ass is still warm."
I smiled back, "Yes, yes, it is." In fact, I have been sitting gingerly all morning.
Thoughts on punishment spankings versus my other spankings:
Since this is the first time that I have been punished, I figured I should write down some initial thoughts and feelings. First, I feel that I was in a completely different headspace. During a spanking for pleasure or foreplay, I am focusing on wanting to feel good so if it hurts too much I prefer Tom to dial down the strength. For my first punishment spanking, I wanted to release the guilt I was drowning in above and before anything else.
As I took my place over his knees, I was nervous because we had never tried this before, but I trust him and I knew that I deserved whatever was coming. This was real and when it hurt more, I whimpered, wiggled, and accepted it. I needed to be punished for this, and I needed both of us to be emotionally involved to let go, to release my guilt, and to reconnect.
Tom, My Love,
You were there with me every step of the way. You took control, held me accountable, followed through, lectured more, and made me feel loved all throughout the punishment. I needed everything about this, and I am very inexplicably grateful that you decided not to wait any longer. Thank you for being the man I need, the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
All my love,