Monthly Archives: October 2014
I had many false starts when it came to writing a post this week. At first, I wanted to write about my father-in-law and get out how much we all miss him, then I changed my mind and wanted to write about how wildly life can change from week to week. But how I feel right now really sums up to the following sentiment which I found by wandering through Google images with the search phrase "it will be okay."
Last night, my fiancé held me while I had a small meltdown and cried. I tend to focus so much on taking care of others that I don't allow myself time to deal with my own emotions, so that when I finally breakdown or blowup, it seems that I'm really upset about nothing at all when it's really a bunch of things. That's just who I am. I can handle being thrown into a crisis by taking control, getting stuff done, and planning things out because I am levelheaded and can think clearly by pushing my emotions down. But in doing so, I stretch myself thin and wear myself out.
When the dust finally starts to settle, I begin to feel and that's when I need someone there to help brush the dust off of me. My fiancé has been that someone, and I am very thankful that we have been able to be there for each other. I know it has been extremely rough on us - both as individuals and as a couple, but I do not regret going through any of it together.
About a week ago, we tried playing a game of darts but found out that I had lost most of my ability to accurately control the darts. We hadn't played in about three months because we haven't had time to finish adjusting to all the changes yet. In the past when we would play, I would get spanked for the difference in our scores, but that night we didn't do anything extra because we had a guest sleeping in the next room. So, I ended up getting irritated and not really wanting to play.
Last night, my fiancé decided that I didn't have a choice and had to play a few dart games with him. We were going to spend some time together and this time when we played the Cane-iac paddle and double leather strap would be close at hand. Before the game even started, he picked up the paddle and "warmed" my backside up with his "nine" and then three harder punishment licks for giving him attitude earlier. I could feel myself start to release a tiny fraction of the pent up stress I've been carrying around. That's when I realized I really did need this.
I stood back up and we started our game. We were both a little distracted because we had moved a lot of Dad's things into the game room so we kept randomly going through boxes all while trying to play. I guess it worked it my favor because I won the game by 6 points. It was back over the large kitchen stool to receive 6 rather hard swats with the paddle. It hurt, but I definitely missed the feel of being spanked with something other than a cane.
We jumped into the next game and continued to try to put some of Dad's stuff away. Before my fiancé knew it, I was ahead in points and closing down any opportunity for him to catch up. Strangely enough, I can't remember what the score difference was but I'm guessing it was somewhere in the 50s. This paddling, I do recall, was delieverd at varying degrees of power and I was certainly feeling it.
The final game was much less interesting for me because I started losing pretty quickly. I guess he was paying more attention this time around. He ended the game with a damn good lead, so I went to drape myself over the stool again while he figured out the score difference. He had won by 92 points. Yikes! On his way over to me, he picked up the double strap. He dished out 62 licks at an even pace, pausing only briefly to switch the direction he was swinging. Oh, it was amazing to feel the kiss of leather again. For the next 30, he switched back to the paddle with the final 12 being harder than any had been yet. When I got up, I could feel a more lasting burning sensation on my rear and also some emotional relief from some of the stress that we've been under.
I know everything isn't back to normal, and I don't expect it to be for a while. Although it is getting easier, I still find it hard to concentrate at work for any length of time. We still have to deal with the stresses of finances and raising the two boys who don't really grasp what has happened. Sometimes we are strong and sometimes we are weak, but no matter what we are here for each other. We will get through this by taking small steps and by taking one day at a time.
Right now, I feel like it isn’t real. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. I feel like I haven’t had enough time to grieve and to accept this. I still have to get up, go to work, and actually function while I’m there. I have to pick up the boys and get homework done. Thankfully, my fiancé and his brother (who is spending a couple of weeks with us) are able to help even though they are also trying to grieve and figure out how to move on.
This is hard. None of us were ready. It’s just not fair. We have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil in the last few months. Things were looking up. We stepped up to help raise our nephews. My fiancé started talking with his two brothers again after years of silence. Life wasn’t perfect, but we were adjusting to the changes we were experiencing and coming out better and stronger. Then all of a sudden, this happens. At least, Dad had a chance to see his grandsons in good hands and his boys communicating with each other again. I know he was happy and he knew he was loved by many people.
The funeral service was nice on Saturday. There were pictures, stories, and a slideshow of memories. My fiancé spoke during the service. He told a story, read a letter from his uncle, and also read a very short eulogy that I typed up. The eulogy was meant to be an example that he could go off of, instead it made him realize that I saw the same person he did in his father so he left it as it was and just shared what I said.
My dad, TF III, was a loving husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend to many people. He was a man who knew he could do anything and if he couldnt do it, then he knew he wasnt trying hard enough. He raised his six kids to be strong and independent. When things got tough, there was always one thing you could count on he was always there. He always had his candid advice readily available…whether we wanted it or not. He let us bump our heads until we figured it out, but he was definitely there in the background watching over us.
Even though the service allowed us all to grieve together in the company of family and friends, I didn’t feel any closure. I think a big part of that is because we didn’t have a chance to have an open-casket and Dad’s cremated remains hadn’t even arrived yet. So, we had a service…but with nothing physically there to say goodbye to. I am not a religious person, so please forgive me if I do not believe or see things the way you do. I do, however, greatly appreciate the support, thoughts, and prayers that many of you have been sending our way. You are helping us get through this by doing what you can and I want to thank you.
The other part of not feeling closure is not knowing what actually happened. This is eating at me. I want the secondary accident report and the autopsy report. There are unanswered questions and I want answers. My fiancé ‘s uncle is attempting to request the reports and hopefully then I can start accepting this. I can feel myself pushing down the emotions and avoiding having to deal with them by busying myself with other things. It’s not like the world has stopped turning so there are plenty of other things that need to be done…like paying the bills, buying costumes for the boys, and checking on other family members. I’ve even started reading blogs again, just not as often.
As a side note, I took a little time to make it through the first chapter of Livia Grant’s second book, Securing It All, which released on September 26th. This book is as amazing as the first one with its ability to keep you engaged with the characters, and it starts off wonderfully with the main characters beginning their journey to rebuild trust. I definitely look forward to when I feel up to reading the rest of the book and will then be not so patiently waiting for the next release in the series.
Also, I was pleasantly suprised to find out that Livia has her own webpage and blog now! You can check it out here (www.liviagrant.com).