Everyone experiences change from time to time. We grow, we age, and we learn. We try something new. We move to a new place. We get a new job. We go back to school. We meet new people. We fall in love. We have our hearts broken. We lose someone we love. We fall down, and we get back up. We try again. We adapt. We gain experience and find out more about ourselves. Some things may never change, while other things evolve with time.
Think about who you were when you were in high school.
I moved across the state between my 9th and 10th grade years. I went from a class size of roughly 300-400 students to around 1,200 students. I was terrified. I was leaving my friends and having to start over in a new town at a new school. What helped with this transition was band. I played the clarinet. During my years with the high school band, we had kids from all walks of life. We weren’t made up of just one group, but every group. I’ve always been pretty reserved and quiet, but in band, I learned a lot about leadership, teamwork, and responsibility. I was the section leader and library staff manager in 11th grade, and then, I tried out and became the drum major (student conductor) for the marching band during my 12th grade year. I learned how to project confidence when giving commands, and I felt like I had a responsibility to be someone the students in my band could depend on. I was the first person on the field before our shows started, and I was the one the entire band looked to for direction.
Think about who you were in college.
I continued band in college and was moved up to section leader after my first year. Again, we had students from all over campus from every type of degree program. I started working on my mechanical engineering degree and math minor. We focused a lot on teamwork and using new technology to solve problems. I decided to try my luck and applied for an internship at NASA. I was accepted and had one of the best summer experiences ever. In fact, I had so much fun that I went back three more times. Twice as a research associate and then I was promoted to Operations Manager for the last two summers. I took several honors classes throughout college and graduated with a 3.29/4.0.
Think about who you were during your early career.
I immediately got a job as a mechanical engineer quoting, designing, and fabricating steel tanks and pressure vessels. Over seven years, I went from mechanical engineer to project engineer to project manager to lead engineering business analyst. I implemented the accounting software which I knew inside and out. I even had to do all accounting manager responsibilities for six months before the company transitioned to a new owner.
Think about who you are now.
Now, I work in project financials. I’ve been with this company for just over a year. I’ve been trying to bring new ideas to the table and implement improvements on all of our current processes. I had an excellent one year evaluation which led to a promotion and a raise.
What have we not talked about? I’ve told you about who the outside world sees. This is the person you would meet at a conference or out in public.
Okay, so who are you when you can relax and be you?
Well, the previous posts on this blog take you through a lot of my intimate experiences with sex and spanking. Tom was the first person who tried to understand what I was yearning for. To his credit, he read every blog entry before I gave up blogging. He also read a private journal where I endeavored to be as open as possible with him. For a couple of years, he tried. And then, he didn’t.
For the time when he was trying, I discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed. I wasn’t just this confident, strong, responsible, and independent young woman who could solve problems. I was also someone who needed a break from the stress of being the one who was always depended on. I needed someone else to take over for a while. I needed to know someone cared about me. I needed to be held. needed to be able to let go.
When Tom’s dad passed away, I started losing him. I stepped up and went above and beyond because that’s who I am. I am a fixer. I am a giver. I am dependable and loyal. I was more than capable of handling whatever life threw at us because I had to be. I could get us through this. I just had to be strong enough, caring enough, loving enough, and want it enough.
As it got harder and Tom gradually pulled away from me, I pulled away from who I was and what I wanted. I stopped blogging, stopped keeping up with others, and wasn’t even available for my friends anymore. My entire world revolved around Tom, his addiction, and the daily shit he put me through. After I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I told him, “It’s me or all of this (referring to his drug use and the house his drug addict friends were in – he was at another addict’s house in the middle of a work night in my damn car that I needed to get to work in the morning).” He chose, “All of this.” “You need to move out.” (He didn’t make it back home in time to take me to work the next morning. I ended up having to call my dad, so I could be fucking responsible and go to work.)
In August of last year, I wrote something that I considered posting here. But, I was not ready. Instead, I shared it with a dear friend who encouraged me to also share it with my therapist. I’m choosing to bring it up now because I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. In fact, I still struggle with it every day.
I am the person who has done everything my résumé says I’ve done, but what I can’t seem to reconcile is how is that the same person who wrote the following.
“Outer You vs Inner You”
Are the versions of you drastically different? Do you act differently? Do you hide behind a façade?
The versions of me are very different. I do act differently depending on the situation, and I do hide behind a much more outwardly acceptable personality.
At work, by some miracle, I’ve been able to hide what’s going on inside. Instead, I appear confident, ask questions, present ideas, work well by myself and with others, and strive to change things for the better for everyone. Before a meeting where I know I have to speak, I’ll get nervous, but I push through and am not afraid to throw out ideas. I am very mindful of others and how they do their jobs, and I do everything I can to make all of our work days a little easier.
When I’m around family and friends, they know I have some self-confidence issues. However, other than that being all in my head, I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need to rely on anyone. I own my house, I am about to buy a new vehicle, and I have a decent job where I am making more than paycheck to paycheck.
Underneath the Wonder Woman façade, I feel everything. I am free, lost, relieved, sad, excited, hurt, broken, happy, angry, and frustrated. I am dealing with imposter syndrome. I am dealing with a break up after years of living together. I am excited by new possibilities, but I am afraid of rejection. I am vulnerable and full of insecurities. I am hopeful yet still struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I know it is no one else’s responsibility to help me. I know only I can learn to cope and walk this road. I know it takes time. But, knowing all of that just makes me feel so much more alone. I feel guilty for reaching out to people who understand – I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I don’t want to sound like a broken record – same shit, different day. I don’t want to bring someone else down because I feel like hell. I feel stupid for even talking about what I’m going through because I feel like it really is no big deal especially when I know other people are going through so much worse than my little first world problems. Also, I’m confused because what I feel doesn’t align with how I think I should feel or how I think I should handle how I feel. If I remove myself from the situation, I could tell you exactly what’s wrong, what to try, and how to start working through it. So, what’s the problem?
Avoidant behavior. I am acting like nothing has happened. I do things to prevent myself from thinking too much, and I spend time with people who I do trust but not enough to completely let go around. I am ignoring the desperate need to breakdown and let go. Why? Because it’s easier than dealing with everything. I don’t want to fall apart alone because I miss being held and comforted, which only emphasizes the loneliness and spirals me down even further.
But, you know what? Life goes on and stops for no one. So, if I don’t have time for this – for me feeling sorry for myself, how can I expect anyone else to have time for it – for me.
Who are you today?
I’m not sure. Would you believe things got worse in the time since writing that. I feel like I’ve lost so much self-confidence and self-acceptance that I find it incredibly difficult to trust myself. I have fallen into periods of being depressed and painfully numb. I’ve gone through many anxiety and panic attacks. I still haven’t been able to really focus consistently at work, and I feel like I’m barely doing the minimum to get by. I hit a point where I felt like I lost everything about me. I haven’t even been able to cry in months, and I want so desperately to experience what’s in my pinned tweet with someone I can really trust – “What I wouldn’t give for a wall-breaking spanking, the cathartic release kind of crying, and some “it’s okay – I’ve got you” aftercare, followed by some restful sleep…”
Last week was the first time in a long time where I felt a little hope in the darkness. I held on to that hope and wrote my first blog entry in four years. It’s time to start sharing my story, to try new things, and to continue recovering.
I want to take a moment to thank many of you for the encouragement you have given me since I took these small steps both here and on Twitter. Your support and kindness mean so much to me. ❤️
I’ve been browsing through old photos and notes on my iPhone recently. I have photos dating back to 2011 and notes back to 2013. I thought that maybe it was time to start deleting and/or archiving things – things I didn’t want to accidentally come across that would remind me of my ex.
I guess now is as good a time as any to inform my returning readers that Tom and I broke up on May 8, 2019 after being together since February 27, 2013. A glimpse of some happier days from our time together is captured in the posts on this blog from 2014-2016. You are welcome to revisit or browse through the archive. You might be asking why I don’t just download and delete these old reminders of the past. Well, I guess that’s because the posts do hold a lot of good memories and feelings that I don’t want to forget. In addition to real experiences, I also have a fair amount of stories and scenarios that I wished could have happened. I think I owe it to myself to remember what I wanted then and what I still might want now.
Anyway, on a much lighter note, I wanted to share something I came across that actually has nothing to do with me, except for the part where I saved this particular blog post in my Notes app. It was posted back in 2015. I honestly didn’t remember saving this at all, until I went back and read it. And, wow, I definitely remembered why I saved it! This post has one of my favorite stories in it! So, now, I absolutely must give a shout-out to my wonderful friend Erica and encourage all of you to take a break and go read this. Erica Scott’s “Just Ask Me”
It’s been four long years since I last posted anything here. I am truly sorry that I pulled away from this part of my life. I stopped blogging, I stopped reading, and I stopped engaging. I’ve been wondering if any of the links that once brought you here are even still available. I cannot promise that I am back with any consistency. I cannot promise that what I do post will always be on that specific topic that connects all of us together in this online community. My self-confidence is in slow recovery mode, and I just don’t know if I’m really ready to be back.
So, what am I doing? Nervously peeking through the crack in the door to see if anyone is still here after all this time.
Why now? I’ve thought about coming back many times, but ultimately anxiety would get the better of me. The desire to reach out was in constant battle with the fear of rejection. Home life became emotionally and psychologically unmanageable, unbearable, and all-consuming. I have been using what little willpower I could muster to continue being responsible by going to work every day. I have been going through most of my days fully dependent on autopilot. I think, I hope that I am finally strong enough to try to do more and to try to find me again.
What happened? To quote what I told a friend back in October after helping her through a particularly rough day, “One of these days, I’ll catch you up on my end. It’ll be a hell of a story.” I have not decided how much I should really share on such a public space. I have a feeling I will inevitably share some things because I am still broken, but I am also healing. Perhaps, by sharing some of my personal experiences, there is a possibility that I will help others. Maybe we can help each other move forward together.
So, for those of you who have been here before, I truly thank you for returning. For those of you who are new, I thank you for stopping by and hope to see you again.
As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments, on Twitter, or through email.
It seems I’ve come down with a sinus infection and a severe inner ear infection (very painful) so I’m taking a break from my storytelling to let everyone know that Livia Grant’s Protecting It All was released last Saturday.
This is the fourth book in the Passion Series. This book focuses on bringing Brianna’s ex-boyfriend Jake Davenport to justice. We saw how he terrorized Brianna physically and how he could scare the hell out of Tiffany emotionally without even touching her. Now, we dive into his House of Pain and get to see Lukus and his security team at Titan Security rally to take Davenport down. Can they get him before he has the chance to hurt anyone else we care about?
This is a fictional story continued from last week’s post.
My forehead is pressed against the hallway corner and my ass is still warm from the spanking you gave me a few minutes ago. You told me that you never stopped loving me. I do believe you, but I can’t help wondering how you could put me through so much heartache. I was in so much emotional pain when I thought you had been taken away from me. It scares me still to know that you could do something without thinking of the possible consequences and not come home…not come back to me. Why? There’s just no way it could have been worth it to you. I don’t want to go through that again. I want to move passed it and I’m working on it, but you are going to have to help me. I can’t do it alone.
I know why I’m tired a lot and I know why I don’t want to do the things I used to…because you are right – I am afraid. I’m afraid of caring too much and afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of getting hurt – my heart was broken and I’m not back to normal, yet. I still get anxious, angry, and depressed at times.
In hindsight, I stopped doing my normal things (like video games, darts, blogging, etc.) because in my mind they just aren’t worth my time when I could be in your arms where I can still feel protected and like you aren’t going anywhere. That’s where I feel safe. I’m not ready to do other things yet. We are moving slowly and I need that right now. I just wish I knew how to tell you all of this so that you’d understand where I’m coming from, because I’ve never stopped loving you either.
Those moments where I can’t look at you…aren’t because I don’t love you or have stopped loving you or have given up. I can’t look at you because of me…because I truly believe that I am not worth the trouble. My heart, mind, and soul are so fragile right now…why would anyone bother, why would anyone want to take care of, to love, to cherish, to protect me? It’s too much hassle, too much work, too much to ask. So, I look down and cry….broken, weak, and worthless….so much for that strong, independent young woman.
I have no doubt that I will be that person again…maybe not as young and maybe a little stronger, but I do know that it’s going to take time.
You once compared addiction to something like cancer. You asked, “If I got cancer, does that mean you’d stop loving me?” The answer is no. I would still love you if you had cancer. Just like I still love you today. I believe we will get through today for a better tomorrow, but I ask you the same thing…only I’ll compare being broken and afraid to being really sick. Would you leave my bedside and stop loving me?
You often ask me what’s wrong and want me to talk to you, but I don’t want to sound like I’m always nagging and complaining. I don’t want you to get defensive. I don’t want you to think that you’re not doing anything right. I see you trying and I even see you adjusting. The things that I don’t like or would like to change are things that would ultimately protect you, protect us from things that could go wrong and be out of our control. You don’t think we can control others…you’re right, but we can control enough of what we say and do to make a difference.
I don’t want to look back with regret and say, “That’s the day I lost you,” I want to look back with pride and say, “That’s the day we found us again. That’s when we put ourselves and our relationship on the top of our priority list.”
I guess the answer to your question of, “Why have you stopped…?” is so much more than, “I just don’t feel like it, I don’t know, or I’m afraid.”
So, how do I explain this to you? Maybe I need to do something I used to do…I’ll type up a blog entry, then you’ll read it and we’ll talk about it.
From the corner, I call out, “Honey?”
“May I go publish a blog post? I think it’ll help me gather my thoughts.”
After a pause, “Yes, you may, but I better not catch you reading other stories.”
As I turn around to head to the computer desk and start to pass our bedroom door, you arrive with our new leather paddle in hand. “Before you go, why don’t you bend over so I can make sure you’re sitting on a freshly warmed behind while you type.”
Yikes! I bend over with my hands on my knees and he places his hand on my lower back.
He delivers nine solid whacks. Then, he sends me on my way with a kiss.
The cool leather computer chair is actually quite soothing while I start putting together my thoughts.
…to be continued.
Wow, this story that I’ve created with it’s made up corner time actually worked very well for figuring out how to share what I’m feeling.
I used to write stories of events that actually haven’t happened outside of my head. These were usually stories of things that I might have liked to have happened…for instance, if I wanted a conversation to go a certain way between Tom and myself, then I would make up a dialogue and scene to go with it. After reading it, Tom would understand where I’m coming from a little better and then we could have a conversation about it. This is one of those stories.
“Come with me.” Your expression tells me I shouldn’t argue, and you hold out your hand expectantly.
I’m not exactly sure what to think. Slowly, I reach out and you take my hand. You turn and you pull me toward our bedroom. You take me to the bench at the end of our bed and sit down before pulling me over your lap. Lots of emotions are running through my head – anxiety, excitement, slight confusion, and yes, even a little fear.
You rest your left hand on my waist and your other hand starts caressing my bottom. “I think it’s time for a change. You haven’t had quality time over my knee in a while, so I’m going to change that.”
“Umm…” You pop my bottom hard three times, but they don’t really make much of an impression as my jeans are still on.
“All I want to hear from you right now is, ‘Yes, Sir.’”
“Yes, Sir,” I reply quietly.
“Stand up for a minute.” You unbuckle my belt and undo the button on my jeans. Then, you slide them down to my ankles and tip me back over.
You start spanking in a light and playful manner at first. A couple of minutes go by before you say, “I know you miss this.” I nod even though it wasn’t a question. “Lift up a bit, My Love.” He slides my panties down and massages my cheeks. “You aren’t even pink, yet. Let’s try to fix that.”
You start spanking again but harder this time. Another minute or two passes.
“You don’t blog or talk about this as much anymore. Why do you think that is?”
I just shrug my shoulders. The next volley comes hard and fast from your strong hand. “Yes, you do know.”
You pause to grab something behind you. I don’t know what it is, but I have a feeling that I’m about to find out. Smack! “Oh!” It’s definitely made of wood.
Smack! “I think you’re afraid, but I’m just not sure what you are afraid of… Are you afraid of me?”
Smack “No! Ow!”
Smack! “Then, what are you afraid of?”
Smack! “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.” You pause and I can tell you are wondering if you are hurting me now.
Rubbing my lower back, you ask, “Does that mean you don’t trust me anymore? That you don’t trust me not to hurt you?”
“I do trust you…I just feel that it’s been so long since we’ve played that maybe my pain tolerance isn’t what it was and you may not remember that I’ll need a warm up. Also, I don’t always want to put any expectations on either of us when it comes to playing. And, I really don’t know how to tell you exactly what I want when I’m not sure myself.”
You start rubbing my bottom again which is starting to feel really good. “I guess it’s just become easier to not say anything whether it’s online, in a journal, or when we’re talking. I know I don’t want this to become repetitive to where either of us get bored….and I don’t want it to always be predictable.”
“Like this?” My rear is met with a quick few swats.
“Mhm… Sometimes I would like a spanking to be for fun or be more serious or be for naughty reasons. Sometimes I’d like more of a warm-up and/or more aftercare.” You throw in three hard and fast swats for each cheek.
“Guilt! Guilt is another reason. I feel guilty for wanting all of this in the first place. I know it isn’t easy for you. I think about spanking a lot and see lots of opportunities for it, but I know you mainly associate it with love making. I don’t want to burden you with something that I think I want…it’s not a need after all.”
You pause again, “Do you like giving blow jobs?”
“You know I told you that I used to hate giving them.”
“But you give me head and do it quite well for someone who can’t stand it. Why do you do that for me?”
“Because I love you and because I know you enjoy it.” You pick up the brush or paddle, again. “Oh! Ouch!”
“Exactly, so what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you and for the same reasons?”
“Yikes! Because… I know I’m not worth the effort!” My eyes start watering.
“That’s it. Stand up and look at me.” With tears in my eyes, I slowly look up at you. You hold my face in your hands as you look back at me. “I love you with all my heart. You mean the world to me. You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself.” You pull me in close for a firm hug that makes me feel protected.
“I want you to spend a few minutes in the corner in the hallway by our bedroom door. Put your hands behind your back holding your elbows, feet apart, and forehead against the corner. I’m going to fix the bed and then I’ll come get you. I am sorry that this year has been so rough on us and especially on you. I know it may not have seemed like it, but I need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I want to be here to love, cherish, and protect you forever and always. Use this time to think about what I’ve said.”
“Yes, Sir,” as I turn to obey, he smacks my retreating rear.
…to be continued.
I’m really not sure why it is so difficult to sit down and come up with a post these days. This time last year I was posting about once a week. How can I go from once a week to once a month or less?
Honestly, I think it’s become difficult to share things…to open up. I don’t want to complain about things because it sounds like I’m nagging. I also don’t want to make a huge deal out of good things because …maybe, I’m just afraid that they won’t happen again if I mention it a lot. So, I end up not saying or sharing anything.
Where’s the middle ground?
Why have I pulled away from blogging?
I do think about it at least once a week, but it’s like I’m afraid to jump back in. (sigh) I’m afraid of sounding like a broken record. Sometimes I’ll read some of my older posts and think, “I still feel that way,” or “that hasn’t changed.” Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost something…like I’m missing a good friend that’s moved away.
I don’t know how to talk about it because I don’t know what it is.
I sound really bummed out, but actually things are going pretty well right now. Work isn’t bad…a little busy at the moment, but I think I can handle it. Our families seem to be doing well or at least getting better. I think Tom and I are going to try to hang out more with one of my old friends and her boy friend. We got together a couple of weeks ago for her birthday and had a good time. I think we will plan another date night in a week or so.
I’ve started reading Livia Grant’s the Passion Series again…I really don’t know what it is about this series. I feel so connected to it, so emotionally involved, that the characters just come to life for me. The next book in the series will hopefully be released soon. I know I can’t wait!
This post sounds ridiculously random to me, so I think I’ll stop here and get some sleep.
It’s that time of year again where we want to reach out to our readers and invite them to leave a comment to let us bloggers know you are out there!
I honestly thought I’d missed the event. I quite literally hopped out of the shower and came straight to the computer to check. I know I haven’t been around much lately and I see that I may have lost a lot of lurkers over the last year, but I do want to thank all of you for stopping by when you could!
Comments from people like you really do provide a lot of support and encouragement for those of us who blog. It helps to know we are not alone no matter where we are in life. So please, take a moment and drop a line in the comment box below. 🙂
Wow…it’s been three months since my last post. I guess I sort of ended up taking a break from blogging. I even dropped off from lurking for a while too. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be back yet, but I decided to take the first step and post something again.
I feel like I’ve been pretty busy at work lately. They are reorganizing and giving some people new titles. I am now a Project Engineer and Mechanical Engineer…fancy title I suppose. On December 1st, I will have been with the company for four years…and I still don’t have any confidence in my abilities, nor do I have the desire to go above and beyond. I do feel that I have at least gotten better in the last few weeks and the days don’t seem as long anymore.
At home, we have set a goal. We are working on cleaning our house up in time for Thanksgiving. One of my best friends has a birthday at the end of the month, so I’m planning a day for the four of us (her boyfriend and Tom included). I think we’ll go see the final Hunger Games movie on the 22nd of Nov. and then come home for dinner. Then, we can play cards or darts. Tom and I haven’t played darts in forever. During the summer, it is too hot in the game room and I don’t want to cut on the little portable AC because I want to save money…not to mention, we need to clean out the room so we can actually move in there. We have already cleaned what used to be the boys’ room and his daughter’s room. I started on our room a few days ago, so we are definitely making progress.
Because of the events from earlier this year (written about on this blog), we are still dealing with legal proceedings. These things always put a damper on my mood when they come around. It is a scary unknown…something that can still affect our future. I know we will be dealing with it for some time to come but it doesn’t make it any easier or less scary.
Tom and I are still working on us. Some times I still feel that he chooses other people over us…over me. I’ve even felt like I’ve been replaced by guy friends. He tells me that isn’t true. I guess a lot of it is that I’m still dealing with feelings from what happened before. It’s not easy to turn back time and take it all away. He is also still dealing with his feelings and so he and I will both react poorly to situations. It is tough – I can’t deny that. But, we are moving forward together.
In other news, I haven’t been spanked in a while. It’s not his fault. It’s actually all my fault. I’m usually too tired when it comes down to it. Even now, my eyes are slowly closing as I type this and the time change hasn’t made me want to stay awake either. Today, I was really missing it…but I don’t want any expectations from it. I’m not sure what I want. …maybe just a good, progressive spanking and that’s it. …maybe have sex or not…maybe talk or not…maybe cry or not. I don’t know if I’d even be very interactive, and right now, I’m just really sleepy. I want it…but I think it’ll be too much effort. I also don’t want to feel bad for not reacting like I usually do. I just want to be…if that makes any sense at all. (sigh)
The weekend before last, Tom and I decided to spend some time with Tom’s step-family. We drove for about 3.5 hours to meet up with his step-sister and step-mom to camp for the night near a river. We paid for a site at a nearby campground with a bathroom – that’s the only thing I can’t seem to give up, LOL. While they started cooking hamburgers, sausages, and vegetables over the campfire, we walked along the river’s edge and then came back. Dinner turned out great and we ended up eating way too much. Tom started to get tired, so we headed off to our campsite to pitch our tent and set up the cots. That night wasn’t too bad, but neither of us liked sleeping on separate cots so next time we will have to find our air bed.
We woke up before my alarm and started packing up so we could meet the others for breakfast at their site. Then, we met up with Tom’s step-brothers to rent kayaks and set out on the river. I had only ever been white water rafting before, so I was nervous at first because I know I wouldn’t want to take a kayak into white water rapids but Tom told me we would be fine. He even let me rent a tandem kayak so I wouldn’t be afraid. He was definitely right – we had a calm float down the river. We stopped a few times to get out and swim. We even tipped over once and almost got knocked out by a tree that had recently fallen…or rather I would have been knocked out and he probably would have been fine. 😛 My poor guy did end up losing his hat and his sun glasses when we fell out, though. The kayaking company picked us up at some point down river and took us back to our cars where we all said farewell and headed back home.
This small outdoor adventure went really well. I made sure to use a lot of sunscreen and bug spray so I didn’t get burned or eaten alive. The only downside was that we saw a ton of spiders, but luckily they left us alone.
Kayaking was a lot of fun, but it actually made me miss white water rafting. I think next time Tom’s step-sister and I will plan that kind of trip for next time!
OH, I almost forgot! When we parked to rent the kayaks, we saw a sign that looked a lot like this.