What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?

I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.

The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.

Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.

It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)

Advertisements

About Jay

I am an independent, levelheaded young woman who enjoys being spanked by my loving fiancé.

Posted on July 15, 2015, in Acceptance, Life, Vulnerability and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Maybe you’re trying too hard, hon. I’ve watched people tying themselves in knots trying to figure out the why and the wherefore of this thing we do. Perhaps there is no explanation — it just is. It’s part of our makeup. And we should be no more ashamed of it than any of of our other innate traits and desires, as long as we’re hurting/harming no one.

    Like

    • It’s just so difficult to explain to someone who can’t read my mind. Then, it’s made even more difficult as I change my mind about what I want during the day. One minute I can’t wait to get home and ask to be put over his knee, then by the time we get home, I’ll get tired and convince myself I didn’t need it anyway.

      Like

  2. It would appear you are making it to difficult. If you and your partner have an upfront relationship so you can discuss your needs and desires then do so. As long as what you do is within the realm of what you are both comfortable with then enjoy what you have. A solution to you wanting to be spanked and then later not pursuing it has many different solutions. For example you could set it that if during the day you decide that is what you need then text your desire. You could also indicate your need by setting out a favorite implement before leaving home or as soon as you get there.The main thought is to relax and enjoy what you have possible. Consider that in a good relationship each partner tries to support the other in any way that they can. As you note we can’t read minds so open honest discussion is the baseline for an enduring relationship.

    Like

    • Pat – I think I’ve tried sending a text during the day while we’ve both been at work, but then as the day goes on and it gets pretty late I just get sleepy and lose the enthusiasm. Right now, I feel that it’s even more difficult because we are getting home later so dinner is later and then I tend to rush any other activities because it’s already so late. (sigh) I’m sure things will settle down again and maybe then we can focus on it more.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  3. life is like a sine wave so just try to relax and if you get knocked down get back up and dust yourself off 🙂 If you can see my email off this comment and feel a need to talk via email I will listen and respond.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: