What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?
I don’t mean when someone else has called you out or is making you feel that way. I’m talking about feeling embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed before you even open your mouth. I went into last weekend thinking that I was probably going to breakdown and cry at some point. I was feeling emotional (PMS) and felt like I just needed to cry. Well, we went to drop off my step-daughter and had a pretty good weekend which means I never actually had the opportunity or catalyst to cry. We are by ourselves again, so we’ve been taking advantage of the alone time by getting in some fun spankings and making love. We’ve also been taking turns playing a video game which has also been fun, but for some reason I’ve been feeling pretty bummed out since yesterday.
The birth control pill I take usually has me wanting sex more often than normal during the week after my period. That has been me this week. For some reason the combination of wanting more sex and still feeling like I need to cry has me thinking about spanking, or rather being spanked, a lot right now. In recent weeks, I have unconsciously backed off of reading blogs and stories as often as I was because we’ve been busy. We helped Tom’s brother move, we had his daughter with us, and I’ve had to change my hours at work to something more normal (was 6am-2pm and I ate while working, now it’s 7am-4pm with an hour for lunch). I’m still trying to get used to the new routine which is proving a little difficult as it is a change. Also, my attention span or concentration ability isn’t what it used to be especially during the last hour of the work day.
Anyway, you may be wondering how any of this relates to my original topic in the header, “What do you do when you feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed of what you want?” It seems with my sudden increase in thinking about spanking, I am also feeling all those things that we tell each other not to feel. I feel embarrassed to talk about being spanked because I don’t know how to explain it. I feel guilty because on top of everything else on Tom’s plate, I want him to take me over his knee if I do or don’t do certain things. I feel ashamed because I’m a damned adult and shouldn’t want to be spanked in the first place.
It’s funny. I thought I had accepted myself. I was even beginning feel like I didn’t need spankings at all. It’s just so frustrating when you can’t explain what you are feeling and why you feel that way. I also don’t want Tom to feel like I’m complaining and that what he is doing isn’t good enough because he loves me and is stepping out of his comfort zone to spank me. I am definitely grateful for what he does and the effort he puts into trying something different for me. And, I don’t blame him when I feel out of whack. After all, I’m the one with the odd kink, not him. Even I think I’m crazy for wanting to be spanked sometimes. (sigh)